Hello. Women in relationships with other women how do you identify an abuser? I've read things online but anything more detailed surounding women to women. Also, how to identify as cisfemale sexual assulter in a relationship with another cisfemale? Thanks.
Should think abusers come in all shapes and sizes might be behaviour characteristics for alarm bells but I don' think there is a stereotype to fall on
Do you mean sexual abuse or emotional abuse? Emotional abuse the same flags can be used. Are they controlling your body, time and making you inferior. Sexual abuse has to do with consent. If you at any point didn't give consent or took away your consent and the person continued, then that is considered sexual abuse. It does not have to include penetration of any kind. If you felt forced, black mailed or coerced into any sexual act then its abuse. Did anything happen to you? Are you okay?
In terms of mental abuse. I think there's things like being sadistic and enjoying causing people discomfort. Usually people less powerful like children. Also saying nasty things in an attempt to knock the persons confidence down and being controlling. I don't think you can identify a female or male sexual assaulter just by looking at them. Of course there's the stereotypes for men of looking a bit like a hobo, in a long dark coat, unshaven, ugly and socially awkward. But remember alot of serial killers were very good looking and charismatic, so they could charm the women to go with them. So the stereotypes are rubbish. I can't even think of a female stereotype for a sexual assaulter. I have put in a couple of links to UK sites which discuss LGBT abusive relationships. The Stonewall link has downloadable PDFs including one for lesbians. http://www.endthefear.co.uk/same-sex-domestic-abuse/ http://www.stonewall.org.uk/help-advice/criminal-law/domestic-violence
I think deliberately trying to cause pain phsyical or emotional to a partner or controlling their life and isolating them counts as abuse. sexual assault is basically forcing someone to do something of a sexual nature when they don't want to or say no. An abuser can be anyone they could be the nicest person in public but horrible in private.
On the stonewall site it says that it is abuse for a non-chronic ill person to threaten to "leave" someone who is chronically-ill. Doesn't somebody have a right to leave a relationship for whatever reason?
Are you referring to the lesbian/bisexual women guide which is linked on the stonewall website? If so I have looked at the guide on pages 20 - 23 where it talks about chronic illness. I think the way you have phrased your comments is very misleading and it does not say what you have typed at all. The guide actually says on page 22 that where a healthy partner is abusive (eg they have abusive traits already) they may use their partners illness as a means to control/manipulate them by threatening to leave and removing support. Threatening/pretending to leave is a very well known tactic that abusers do to make their victims cling to them and to beg them to stay. The guide does not say two people have a relationship, then one gets ill and if the healthy partner chooses to leave it suddenly makes the person who walks away retrospectively abusive. The key difference is the situation in the guide is an empty threat and a means of control, whereas the situation you are describing is someone actually saying this is over, then following through and leaving. I have linked the guide directly for anyone interested: http://www.domesticviolencelondon.n...A_Resource_for_lesbian_and_bisexual_women.pdf
Okay. But let's say my partner gets ill and I want to leave and I would follow through with it but they manipulate me into staying like "it's your (my) fault if I get worse if I leave" ? How do I stay strong and follow through with it, despite anxiety about leaving? Sorry, I wasn't trying to mislead I just wasn't sure what they meant.
I would say its the ill partner being manipulative and it could venture into emotional abuse. With the ill person being the abuser. Its easier said then done, but I would personally start preparing to leave weeks before even informing the other party I was leaving. Simple things such as gathering documents, bank statements, cards, passports and birth certificates (items are so small they won't notice) - I would move them to my parents house or a locker at work. I would secretly find alternative/temporary accommodation. Then once that is done find a gap of a few hours while they are out of the house / at work and pack up as much of your belongings you can carry. Pack them into a car or friends car. Then wait for them to come home and say 'I am leaving, explain reasons if you want. Bye'. Then walk out the door and do not look back. You've made your decision, they can't beg / plead for you to stay or grab hold of your belongings to trap you there as you've already taken your essential documents and clothes. They also can't keep hold of your passport or precious belongings and threaten to destroy them if you do not move back in. I unfortunately know too many people that has happened to, the passport one is truly cruel for a first generation immigrant - I know so many peoples ex-partners or parents who confiscate passports as a means of control.
