Hello everyone. As a title says, I’m desperate for some advice. This is going to be a long post, so I apologize if that's against the rules. For the first time in my life, I fell in love with another girl. Since I'm straight (or was, until now), I think it’s best if I give some backstory about our relationship so here it goes. The girl in question started working in my department a few months ago. At first, I didn’t even notice her. We didn’t talk but we did say ‘hi’ or something when we come across each other in the cafeteria or hallways. But something happened, I think it was the day I heard her laugh and I remember thinking how beautiful her smile is. At the time, I didn’t think much about it, but now, a few months later, the image is still fresh in my mind. As the weeks passed, we started to talk more. Then, one day I walked to the office kitchen to get some coffee. She was there, sitting with some of our coworkers. As I walked past them to sit at the free table, she approached me and asked if she could sit with me. I was like, sure why not. It was a bit weird that she abandoned her previous company just to sit with me but deep down I was glad she did. Then she started doing things that made my, at the time unrealized, feelings come closer to the surface. She started to touch me more. A hand on my shoulder or back. Or when we sat close to each other, she would put her hand on my knee as we talked. When I got a new haircut (nothing major, just trimmed the edges) she touched it and commented how good it looks. Things like that, but nothing inappropriate. I didn’t think much about it, because she is one of those touchy-feely people, which by the way, I don’t really prefer, but it was different with her. I didn’t mind it that much. There were times where I would feel as someone was watching me as I sit at my desk or as I walked across the room only to find her looking at me. There were other small things that happened, but I should keep this as short as possible. I started to crave her company more and more, but then my brain kicked in and I realized what was happening. I started to feel nervous around her and often say stupid or awkward things. If she noticed, she was polite enough not to say anything about my sudden stupidity. I decided to back off a bit, and reduce contact with her. Thinking about it now, I realize how much of a shitty move that was, because she distanced herself too, probably thinking she was boring or something. We still talked and joked but less often. After a few weeks, she got transferred to another department. At first, selfishly, I was glad because I thought how my feelings would go away and how everything will return back to normal. Boy, was I wrong. I miss her and can’t stop thinking about her. The last time we saw each other was about a month back, on a night out with some other coworkers. We talked a bit, with me being awkward again. And some of my comments may come out as sarcastic even though that was not my intention at all, I was just really nervous. But she did smile a few times, and every time she did my heart beat faster. She even suggested I should join her and some of her friends on a night out sometimes. Since then we didn’t really talk. I guess a reason for that is me being an idiot. I’m pretty sure she is straight and that everything I described is just her being friendly and that I see what I want to see. I thought it would get easier but I still miss her and think about her every day. I’m confused and scared and this is taking a great toll on my emotional health. Some kind strangers on another site suggested I send her a message or something. I can’t do that because I’m afraid she would figure out how I really feel. I’m sorry for a long post, but this is torturing me for some time now, and I can’t talk to any of my friends or family about it since they are not really lgbt friendly. So please, if anyone has any advice please write it down. How should I deal with this? Should I keep avoiding her? How can I make this situation easier until my feelings for her die out? Sorry for the ramble.
I mean, would you really want your feelings for her to die out? I’d say take a chance and go for it. Send her a message and see where that leads. You’ll never really know unless you try.
Would her figuring out how you really feel be worse than letting the friendship fade and never knowing what might have been? It sounds like she made an effort to be close to you and still wants to be friends. You could simply tell her you miss her company, you don't have to go into more detail, and see what happens. If you fear her finding out how you feel and that making things awkward, she works in another department now so you're less likely to interact with her, and it sounds like you are pushing her away regardless. So to me at least, it seems like you have little to lose and a lot to gain. Also, if you're questioning and don't have friends and family who would be supportive, would you be able to talk to a therapist? This crush could be just a one time thing, or it could be the catalyst to realizing your true orientation. Regardless, it helps to have a supportive professional to sort it all out with you. I wish you well
Do you have any way to confirm that she’s straight? Mutual friends who might know? It sounds like a really hard situation. I sure wish there was a way to tell!
Hey it's definitely a difficult situation. Let's just impatient for a split second I had a magic wand. If I allowed you to make the story end anyway you like what would you chose?
Well, the thing is, since I live in a homophobic country, her finding out could potentially have a negative impact on my life (it really depends on how she would react to it). On the other hand, I don't want to lose her. I would really love to be her friend if nothing else but I'm afraid that my feelings won't go away and that I will only torture myself or do something stupid. And with me pushing her away, it really hurts because I don't want her to think I find her boring or something. I went to a few therapists a few years ago (for different reasons) and it didn't really help me. Guess I'm not really the type for therapy. But you have a point about my orientation, and yeah I will definitely think about it and try to get some conclusions.
If I have to be perfectly honest with myself, no. I don't want them to die. I want to send her a message but I have a feeling that even a simple 'hi, how are you?' would put a giant display of my true feelings in front of her. I'm such a coward lol. Thanks for the reply.
Well, she did mention her ex-boyfriend... I know that doesn't mean anything but still. I wish there were certain signs. I don't know, I have a feeling that I imagined most of the things or give them meaning where there is none. But maybe it just self-doubt. It's really confusing. Definitely a happy ending. Me being with her. Nobody judging. Just being happy I guess.
Well, success in therapy depends a lot on the actual therapist-their specialty, even their personality. It's gotta be someone that works for you, if you feel like you can't get on the same page with them, they may just not be right for you. If you can find one who specializes in LGBT that could be good. Maybe online therapy would be an option for you, if you can't find one who's LGBT supportive in your area? If you live in a homophobic country then that can change things, I certainly wouldn't want it to affect your safety. But what makes you think a simple message would give you away? (also you're not a coward! It's not easy to go against the norms like this)
Hey then I think you should try to get to know her a bit better. I know it is difficult with the feelings that you are having towards her but as long as you stay within the boundaries of a normal friendship there is no reason that she would be aware of your feelings. If you get to know her better I think it would be easier to get an idea of whether there is any chance she is anything other than straight. You can always try and organise group outings if you think that would be easier.
She invited you out for a night out a month back why don't you message her say hey so this night out you was talking about when is it happening? Take her up on the offer it's a perfect opportunity to see her outside work you use the excuse that January is a long month so a night out would be fun
Oh and if it's her friends you could meet them and do a bit of digging to see if she's with anyone or is straight
The thing with therapy is that I'm not a very open person, it's hard for me to talk about things. But maybe I didn't click with the previous therapists as you said. As for messaging her and my fear, I don't really know to be honest. I'm really confused right now so I can't really say why I'm afraid. Maybe it's something basic, maybe I fear that she wouldn't even want to get some coffee or something. But like I sad, I'm really confused and I don't really know. Thank you for your kind words. I fear that I would see only what I want to see, you know, every friendly gesture as a sign of her being attracted to me. Hell, the things I mentioned in my original post I'm not sure if I gave them more meaning or if they are signs of anything more than friendship. And we are different a lot in some ways, she is definitely more social than me for example. But, I have some free time next week so I will try to have a group outing like you suggested with a mutual friend to go and get some coffee or something. Well, since we live in a not so LGBT friendly environment, I don't think she would tell anyone. I know she had a boyfriend in the past. Thanks everyone for giving advice! It really means a lot.
Let us know how it goes. It isn't you, the things you have mentioned could or could not mean something and that is what makes these situations so difficult. Just take it one step at a time and we will figure it out.
