I apologize for the cheesy intro and very long post. This was the only way I felt like I could accurately put what I am feeling into words... How I appear to the world: When my family, friends, or peers think of me, they see an 18-year-old young adult who graduated high school top of his class as a valedictorian along with many other accolades as a scholar, musician, and athlete. Not only do they see that, but they see someone who is part of a family who is devoutly committed to their religious and political beliefs. Many look up to this young man as he has taken leadership roles as a drum major of marching band and a team captain of the cross country and track teams. He has one close female friend and many close male friends who confide in him and trust his advice and judgement. This young man has a future ahead of him. He has free tuition to a competitive, conservative, and highly respected liberal arts college where he will start his journey in the field of physics and engineering. He is sure to find someone he loves while at college and following college, get married to his lover who he will have the perfect family with. How do his parents feel about him? Proud. How do his peers think of him? With highest respect. How does his friends see him? An honest friend who is there to support others. How do other parents see him? A fine young man with a bright future. How I appear to myself: I, however, use a different set of words to describe the condition of this young man. Overwhelmed, confused, scared, discontented… Trapped. I am proud of all my past accomplishments because I worked so hard for them. In fact, I am happy with just about everything going on in my life except for one small thing—my sexual orientation. I am gay. It has not been until that past year that I have fully accepted this as an unchangeable fact of life that I am somehow going to have to adapt to. Looking back on my life and past situation, it is hard to believe I remained oblivious to the fact for so long. Or maybe it wasn’t that I was oblivious but rather I wanted so bad for it not be true. I first came to accept this after breaking up with my girlfriend of 1 year. She has since been my biggest supporter and continues to be the only person I have opened up to. I have remained in the closet partially out of being too stressed with school and extracurriculars but mostly out of fear. Here is what I fear most: My parents: They have always been supportive of everything I do. However, they are both very conservative and religious. Whenever something “gay” comes up like a gay couple in a TV series they are disgusted. They scrunch their faces, make childlike noises even, and then continue to rant about how “ridiculous” it is that mainstream television feels the need to be so inclusive. They are active in our church and most of their friends are from our church. I fear that if I come out to them they will insist I talk to one of our pastors about it, or that I pray about (which I have spent the last 3 or 4 years of my life doing). Beyond that, I am afraid of losing their support. My mom is a professor at the college I am going to and so my free tuition rides on her signing off on it. If I lose that, there is no way I can pay for my education besides going miles into debt. Beyond the money, their support has been the one thing that has pushed me to achieve and strive to do better. I fear that if I lose their support it will be so devastating to me that I will not be able to hold myself to the standard that I have previously. My church: Our church is a very fundamentalist, literal bible interpretation church. There have been multiple sermons where homosexuality has been brought up and condoned as sin. I will not be accepted for who I am there and will ding my family’s reputation at the church and be seen as someone who has “fallen away”. My future college: My college is probably the most conservative republican college that exists. I picked it hastily in the fall because I was promised money for playing music and it was financially the cheapest option. I made the mistake of putting my orientation on the back burner while looking for my college of choice. No resources exist for LGBT students and the only thing that shows up when you search “[college name] LGBT” is news articles about a nasty email that was sent around campus asking to pray the horrible threat to our nation and families away. I fear that if I am open at college I risk being ostracized from my peers, harassed, punished, or worse. I also do not want to ruin my mom’s reputation at the college because I my actions might reflect on her. I try to tell myself “well someone has to trailblaze and set the path for others” but I don’t feel capable of that. I am not the typical flamboyant, feminine gay male. Obviously since it has taken this long for me to come out, I am not out there like other people in the LGBT community. I am tired of lying and I am ready to be open about myself, but I feel like this is not possible where I am heading to. My friends: I fear telling my friends because I will damage their view of me as a person. At my old school in rural Midwest USA, there was one openly gay kid. That was it. All my friends don’t really have exposure to it and I don’t know how they will react to me. I’ve also seen most of my friend make jokes about gays or a few who have talked about how wrong those people are. I’m not going to lie, I have had crushes on a lot of my friends, all of which I’ve had to ignore, but I do not want them getting the wrong idea and thinking I was a creep this whole time I’ve slept over at their houses. Overall, I feel like I am stuck in a box where all four sides are slowly closing in on me and I have nowhere to run or hide. I know I need to come out to my parents at some point this summer because I do not want this crushing feeling of having this weight on my shoulders while I am trying to focus on my studies. I can’t keep a consistent sleep schedule because my brain is constantly fearing the little things that might happen. I just want out of this box so bad, but I am afraid that if I try to escape, the box is only going to get smaller. That or I am going to discover that only abandonment from my friends and family, ostracization from everyone around me, and false hope lie outside the box.
Red- My heart is broken for you. There are painful decisions ahead no matter which path you take, which doesn’t sound like good news, but you have some time to work things out. I have more to say about this, but for now, I’ll say stay strong and be brave.
TheRedBac.....Well, for starters, welcome to empty closets...and I am very glad that you have founds us at this time. I honestly am unsure of what to say to you...but I feel like we are almost twins, except I am just a little older than you. I was also at the top of my graduating class in high school, as a matter of fact the top ten seniors in my class all had a 4.0. I maintain that G.P.A. through my B.Ed. and my M.A. Ed. I finally got tired of university and decided not to finish my Phd.Ed.dissertation. My family wasn't religious...I was. I had made all the choices concerning my Christian Faith myself, so those were strongly held beliefs. Like you...I was gay and nobody knew. My crisis came latter than yours, but the feeling of being trapped in a box with absolutely no way out was there for me too. In all honesty, I'm not sure what the solution to your situation is right now...but I think you have made a good decision in joining empty closets and posting here. I want you to know that we will stick with you and do our very best to help you work through this...this situation that looks so impossible. I felt that there was no way out for me and I do not want you to get to the place that I did. The people here on EC helped me when I was only minutes away from taking my own life...no one should ever feel forced to feel like that. No matter how hopeless it seems...it is not worth what I almost did. I'm not saying at all that you're thinking that way...but it can happen. So...are you completely convinced that your parents would be totally negative if you came out to them? I have a former student, with whom I was quite close, in a situation similar to yours. He told me that he chose to tell his parents that he was having trouble with his sexuality. Even though he was quite sure that he was gay...he did not say that to his parents. Of course they immediately wanted him to go to counseling. He agreed, after all he felt like he really did need to talk to a counselor or a therapist. However, he insisted that the counselor/therapist be someone who would not instantly tell him that being gay was a terrible sin, etc.. He told them that he knew what the Bible said and that he had been praying about the issue for 3-4 years already. He made it clear that he would not be able to work with someone who was completely negative from the beginning. Out of respect that he had come to them with his problem, his parents agreed and allowed him to chose the therapist. He managed to find a therapist who was LGBTQ Qualified that his parents agreed to. I have no idea if any of this is a possibility in your case, but I thought asking about it could be a starting place. If you would get back to us here on empty closets and let us know what you think about that, we will continue to think through all of your conflicts and work on ideas. In the meantime....we.are.here.for.you. Please keep us updated. Your are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
Thank you, @quebec. As always, your words find a home with me. @TheRedBac - Let me tell you a little about life inside the box. Like you, I was questioning are the same age as you. Unlike you, I didn’t have the words to describe what I was feeling, just that something was “off”. Keep in mind that my story here is with the benefit of 25 years experience (I’m 43 now) with several years in therapy. At about your age, I was already past my first year in college. I sensed something was different about me but didn’t really know what. I did not project anything but “straight” to the world. That was my box. Looking back, I now know I was experiencing some same-sex attraction, but it didn’t really register. I remember becoming obsessed with finding a girlfriend and, when I did, it felt “right”. Physical and emotional attraction. Good. So the “otherness” never really found a voice. We later married and had a child. Around age 27, I started to feel that “otherness” again, except this time, I knew what it was. But, by then, I was too far in. Married with a child and another on the way. I didn’t want to be queer - I was still very attracted to my wife - but I couldn’t deny it anymore. What followed was 16 agonizing years of depression, self-loathing, and suicidal thoughts. ThIs time included an affair with a man that nearly destroyed my family. She never found out, but it turned ugly and he threatened to out me. I’m back in therapy again and am working on myself. I’m recently out as bisexual to my sister and my parents. One of the things I’ve had to learn to do is grieve the loss of a different, more authentic life, stemming from decisions I made when I was your age. I’m getting there. I’m as out as I can be right now and I’m learning to find the balance between being comfortable in my skin and living my life. It’s like I’m walking on the edge of the box. So, what’s my point? You are fully aware of your choices, something I envy you. And I think you know what you need to do, but you seem to wonder if it’s worth it, stepping out of the box. I never did and, while I’m learning to make the box bigger, I’m still in it. My therapist says that coming out is a personal thing. You do it when you are ready and not sooner. If you feel like you need to come out to your parents for them, then it’s not the right time. But, also, you’ll know when it is. I wish you nothing but the best. Come back here and let us know how things are going. I’ve found support here and you can, too.
There are no easy answers. Only more questions it seems. Life will have ups and downs. I wonder if there is a way to connect with groups in a near by college so you can have a place to go while in school. I just hope things go better than you think they will.
I really want to thank everyone for their responses and advice. It honestly made me cry... in a good way. Can't remember the last time I felt so great shedding tears. I am glad to have found a great, supportive community. I plan to stick around as this crazy time in my life plays out. The closest college is probably 30-40 minutes away. Sometimes I just feel like transferring after my first semester might be the best option if I feel like I do not have a place there. I haven't really put much though into it but I could probably find something somewhere.I really do hope things go better than I think too... Quebec, thank you so much. I'm not really sure if I need a counselor honestly. I feel fairly confidant in the way I feel and I want to be outright that way with my parents. If I give them even an inkling of a suggestion that this might be a "phase" they will hound me to talk to our pastors. Also, unfortunately, my parents see the LGBT movement very politically. They associate anyone who supports the LGBT community with the American left or liberals. From what I can tell and from conversations they have had, they see it as a grab for attention or to an attempt to be different, not something you are inherently stuck with. If I were to go to counseling, I am positive they would insist on a conservative counselor who held the same values as them. Thank you so much, IanMkh. I am sorry to hear about your situation. It gives me motivation though to not hide like I have been doing throughout high school. The relationship that I had with a girl for a year was agonizing, especially at the end. I do not want to put myself, or anyone else through that situation again. However, the experience did teach me a lot of things about relationships and allowed me to really solidify my sexuality. I know I want to come out for myself. I am tired of asking "what ifs" for when my parents, family, or friends find the truth out about me. I'm tired of living with this seemingly enormous weight on my shoulders. Even if this means my parents reject me or resent my decisions, this is something that needs to happen if I want to escape from this box that seems to be crushing in on me at the moment. Even if this means I have to transfer schools after the first semester, I will. I want to live an authentic life where I'm not trying to hide my feelings. I also want to be honest about my feelings. I have been through quite a few slumps over the years struggling with my sexuality and when my friends ask "what's up" I blame it on various things from family issues to feeling "sick". I feel as though I am going through another slump an my friends have really noticed. We hung out yesterday on a lake and had lots of fun. About half way through the day one of my guy friends in the group made a gay joke and followed up with something along the lines of "thank God June is over" (insinuating he's thankful pride month is done). I tried to not let it get to me or offend me but it set me into a depressed mood for the rest of the day. My friends hounded me for at least half an hour trying to get "what's wrong with me this time" out of me with no avail. They bugged me for so long because I didn't make any excuses, I just said I did not want to talk about it. Part of me is rejoicing inside over this small as if it is a small victory. For the first time I didn't make up an excuse for my mood. Great, right? Now I am regretting not just telling them right then in there. It was my closest group of friends all in one place and we're not all going to be together again until the end of the month. It would've been the perfect time to drop the news. I feel like whenever the opportunity arises, I am not going to have the courage and strength to tell the truth. I feel so confidant in what I think and what I want to say until I get up to the chopping block. I just choke and hide in my shell. Now thanks to yesterday my best guy friend is breathing down my back trying to get an answer out of me. He has made homophobic comments before and him and I have had some weird encounters I can't really explain, like holding hands, laying on each other, cuddling or being really close during a movie. He's straight up told me "I know sometimes I do gay stuff to you but I promise I'm not gay". He has a girlfriend now and I have been happy for him even though I have to admit it has been devastating to me. I don't want him to get the wrong idea and think I'm a creep if I come out to him and also run the chance of losing my closest friend. I told him I was afraid of losing friends as an explanation as to why I did not answer to them hounding me. I had made this plan to come out to a group of friends with girls who I know are supportive of LGBT people as a way to try to see if he'd at least see other people accept me and do the same himself. Having that opportunity is likely not to come for awhile and I don't want to keep pushing this problem off. Every time I do, it only compounds and gets worse...
TheRedBac.....I have to admit that your posts are hard for me to read. They bring back so much of the exact same emotions that I faced for so many years. Knowing what I eventually went through worries me a lot for you. You see, because I was smart and I knew it (140 IQ), I thought that I could handle the situation. I couldn't. It only got worse. I am not trying at all to paint a dark, ugly picture for you, but in all honesty, that is one of the dangers you face. You described the "box" that you're in quite well. To be far more blunt than I have ever been before on empty closets...you don't have very many options. If you are as convinced as you seem to be about your sexuality (I completely believe you), then the only other things that can give way are your parents or your education. If your parents will not at any level be accepting, then only your education is left. You already seem to be leaning that direction. I really hate putting it this way, but I don't see anything other options. Is there any possibility that you could qualify for a scholarship at another school? Of course working part time to support yourself is common, I did it. Is there any possibility that you parents would keep open lines of communication with you if you did come out to them and changed schools? If you were to change schools and continue your education, would your parents consider still supporting you in any way? Sorry, many questions...that is what a good therapist does...prods you to think about situations by asking questions! I am not any kind of therapist, but that's what Jacob (therapist) does to me every week! I'm going to encourage you again to think about seeing a therapist. This time I'm going to suggest that you try to find one yourself without your parents. I don't know if you can afford that...but if there is any kind of LGBTQ center near you, they will often have counselors/therapists available for little or nothing. Check it out! OK, I have harassed you enough for one post. I'm glad that we've been able to help a little so far...remember...you are part of our family and we do care. .....David
I don't know.... My parents are definitely the biggest obstacle for me. My parents are divorced. My dad lives across the country from me and doesn't keep in contact well. I live with my mom and step dad. I'd probably come out to my mom alone first, not my step dad. I feel like she might be more understanding. My mom is an ex-Mormon and her parents don't include her as a part of their family the same way they include their Mormon children. I have a memory that sticks out in my head from when I was eight or nine years old... I remember my mom being upset about issues with my grandpa being difficult about coming down to see us. She told me "Even if you do become a Mormon, I will still love you the same." While this is different from sexuality, I think of this comment a lot and it gives me hope. I am just afraid that she has become more closed minded about things lately. We did not go to church at all at the time she made that comment to me. We have been going consistently to this one extremely conservative church for five years and they are very active in it. I feel like I'd be a stain on my families reputation in the church. As far as my education goes... It is really important to me, and I have aspirations for my career and life after college. I don't want to jeopardize that. I'm a white male and my parents make good money so scholarship chances are slim. There is a program where I can exchange my free tuition at my current school to various other schools around the country. But my mom would have to agree and sign off on that of course. I'm also afraid if things go completely south and I'm kicked out of the house because I won't do what they want, I have no family in the same state or even within a days drive... I know that is 99% probably not going to happen... but the thought scares the hell out of me. Basically, there's a lot of unknowns in this situation. The only way to figure them out is to dive headfirst in, expect the worst, but hope for the best. I'm going to tell my mom before the end of this month and I will update this thread as things unfold. I appreciate everyone's help so much. It feels so great to be accepted and encouraged for who I am. I can only hope for the best from my parents... I feel like my thoughts are more gathered now and I am ready to make a move when the opportunity arises.
... accidentally hit the post reply option too fast... There's one lgbtq center a 30 minute drive from me. Probably 40 minute drive from my school. They don't have much information online about services they offer. I know I have seen controversy over the place and people attacking the person who runs the place. Nothing in my town or the town my school is in. I live in the rural Midwest... not very progressive or open.
Hi @TheRedBac you aren't alone with how you're feeling about all this. I'm a 22 year old college student from a background almost exactly like yours. In fact everything you mentioned being worried about in your posts, well, that's been my life for the last year. I've gone through all of it already and am still going through some things - so I can answer any questions or concerns you have. I too was raised mostly in the Midwest in an extremely conservative and religious family. My father is a very wealthy, and highly respected physician in the community so of course I and everyone else in the family were expected to be perfect at all times to maintain his reputation and the family's social status, and being gay certainly wasn't a benefit there. I myself am also pre-med hoping to become an orthopedic surgeon. I hate feeling like a show-off so I'm only saying that to match your listed accomplishments, as I have many of the same ones. I started college at an extremely conservative Christian College, after attending mostly christian schools throughout my life. I spent one semester there and then transferred to a nearby public university instead just like you're thinking about doing (highly recommend it). My entire life I grew up surrounded by the evangelical Baptist beliefs of gay people being disgusting and sinners. At one of the schools I went to growing up my friends would joke about shooting gay people because nobody would miss them anyway, and the teachers had the same beliefs. So needless to say when I discovered I'm gay last year I was pretty terrified and hated myself a lot (read some of my past threads on here...you'll be in for quite the roller coaster). I discovered I'm gay when my best friend and college roommate at that public university, who also thought he was straight at the time, told me that he had romantic feelings for me that he didn't understand. Soon I also developed romantic feelings for him which terrified me. I felt like my entire life was ending and I was betraying my family and religion by having those feelings. After a while of working through it with him with the help of this site, we decided to start dating, and he's still my boyfriend now. I'd dated girls my whole life but I can tell you firsthand that it's amazingly different and so much better being with a guy you love - don't deny yourself that happiness. My mom found out about our relationship accidentally and scared me into denying being gay and ending everything desperately trying to prevent my family from hating me. I did some really terrible things to my boyfriend out of the fear of losing my family, including calling the police on him saying he was forcing me into a gay relationship against my will and I was afraid of him physically hurting me. It worked temporarily but I couldn't stand what I had done so asked him to forgive me and we started dating again. My mom found out a second time, and as expected, I was disowned by my entire family for being gay including nearly having my college money taken away which is similar to your situation (if you're going into physics or engineering then taking student loans isn't that big of a deal by the way, you'll be able to pay them back without much trouble in those fields). That was the worst pain I've ever felt in my entire life - I felt worthless and unloved, like a terrible son who betrayed his family and would never be able to hug his mom or see his siblings ever again. A few months later though, despite her extreme religious beliefs, my mom invited my boyfriend and I to spend Memorial Day weekend with my family because she didn't want to lose her son. Now we've slowly been building our family back up and both my parents are attempting to be accepting of me being gay. As it turns out, my younger sister is either a Lesbian or Bisexual too which no one except me knows. She felt safe sharing her secret with me after seeing me stand up to our parents to be with the guy I love. As far as friends, most of my friends have actually been pretty accepting of it overall. The only ones who weren't are the ones I knew from heavily religious communities. Religion - this has been difficult for me. I still consider myself Christian but I couldn't remain a member of my church knowing that I would be hated there if they found out. I don't know if I'll pick a new denomination or just be unaffiliated, but after many tears have realized that I can still uphold the main focus of Christianity while being gay, which is helping and loving other people out of a basic love for humanity itself. I'm not going to lie to you and say it will be easy for you to come out to your parents and be yourself, because it won't be, there will be a lot of pain and a lot of distress. In the end though, you will feel better just like I do. I know it's difficult to see when you're in the middle of all the fear and self-doubt but it's an amazing feeling to be able to live authentically and not have to worry about disappointing other people anymore. I still struggle with some things of course, but I don't regret making these decisions anymore like I used to. I'm reminded of the struggles being worth it every time I get to cuddle with my boyfriend and just feel happy and emotionally fulfilled. I fully understand how scary it is for you to be considering all this since I went through it all too not long ago, and you can always message me whenever you want if you need someone to talk to about these things (my boyfriend posts here too so you actually have both of us). I really wish you the best man *hugs*
It has been great seeing all of these posts and hearing of all of these stories (many which seem worse than mine). It makes me feel less alone and gives me courage. I can only hope that one day I have enough strength to live my life authentically like so many of you are currently doing or working towards. I was really apprehensive joining this community. I thought I wouldn't fit in or agree with anyone because I am not the "gay stereotype". I'm pretty conservative due to my upbringing but am probably more moderate now because of my view of marriage. I am not flamboyant or feminine like most of the gay men I've seen. I've been proved very long. I see that we all have the same or very similar struggles and everyone is supportive of each other because of their experiences. I am glad to have found this place to seek advice from people who have gone through what I have yet to see. I have become quite introspective on where my life is going lately. If I disregard my orientation and pretend that I'm a straight conservative Christian, my life is great. There are brief moments where I can disregard that I am trapped and trick my mind into thinking everything is great and that I am excited for this next step (which I am on some fronts). This false feeling of fulfillment only seems to be followed by me returning to my box that feels even smaller and more confining than before. My life feels like bipolar ups and downs where the downs seem to progressively get worse. My mom is scaring me even more by the day... She told a story of a gay guy she knew who would stay the night at girls houses. She said she thought it was funny because the gay guy would get jealous once the girl they hangout with got a boyfriend. My fear is she is going to view my feelings as illegitimate. She and my step dad were gone one Sunday and my brother and I were supposed to go to church by ourselves. I had planned on going but my brother took too long in the shower and long story short: we didn't go. My mom was next to livid when she got back. I put the blame mostly on my brother when she confronted me about it and her response was "That boy needs to get his but in church. People are going to think things about our family when we don't show up." What are people going to think of our family when their son adopts a "sinful lifestyle" and leaves the church altogether. I am expected to still go to our church while in college and invite friends to come with me-- it's only a 20 minute drive. How am I supposed to pretend like I'm okay bringing myself to a church every week that preaches against homosexuality once or twice a month. When one of those sermons come, I dread it. I leave feeling, empty and like an awful human being. I don't want to subject myself to this while I am under a stressful work load. I had all this confidence for coming out to her but now it seems diminished by the day. The last thing I want to happen is for me to cave while telling her and agree to talking to a pastor about this "sin". I came out to my best guy friend who've I've had past encounters with a couple days ago... He completely accepts me for who I am and says that nothing has changed in our friendship. He even offered to help tell my parents (no idea how'd he do that) and offered up his place to stay if things go south with my parents. I started crying a bit while he was responding and telling me I was going to be fine and he hugged me. I was really happy about this because my worst fear was losing him as a friend. However, I feel more insecure about myself and our friendship. Any small thing that hints he is ignoring me or trying to distance himself catapults me into feelings of self doubt and depression. I feel like this is largely because I am extremely attracted to him. I feel more empty now because he isn't going to initiate anything "gay" with me like he usually would (e.g. calling me cute, brushing up next to me, or anything else that gives me butterflies in my stomach). He asked me if there were any guys I liked but I declined to answer because I didn't want to freak him out. I feel lucky enough to still have him as a friend but it sucks that I still have this intense attraction to him. I don't know what to do with it. I'm sorry my posts seem so scattered with so much detail of different aspects of my life. I have all these feelings and I don't know what to do with them or how to channel them. I try to focus on one thing to keep myself from being overwhelmed but I always drift back to the big picture. For the longest time I've just been pissed about who I am and I was able to focus that emotion into exercise or music. Now I feel depressed and don't have motivation to run, pick up an instrument, or hell, pick up headphones.
