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Feeling sorry for myself

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Butterfly6, Feb 20, 2020.

  1. Butterfly6

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    I'm just feeling really badly again (as usual). I don't even know where to start exactly but I just don't know how to deal anymore. I've even started using drugs because I just can't cope with everything that is happening to me. I started seeing a therapist and its just so much, everyday I want to end my life.

    I knew there was something off about me when I was a teenager and I used a lot of alcohol to help with the pain, then I realized I was bisexual and that made me worse....then at 20 I started to feel off with my gender. I identify as a fluid bisexual, I have years where I am more straight and feel more girly, then I have years of feeling more gay and more male (I'm biologically female).

    I was seeing a therapist for 10 whole years and she convinced me that this was all nonsense and not to be entertained. I don't think she had experience with LBGT people at all. She said if I was trans it would have shown up in my childhood and because of my feelings for men she didn't think I was gay. So there I was believing these feelings were not important and really they weren't.

    Fast forward to recently having my 3rd child and everything hits me like a ton of bricks. I'm a high profile fitness model with everything going amazing in my life and I suddenly feel trans and bisexual leaning gay. My life is a living nightmare...I keep having thoughts of hurting myself, my kids, my pets. It's really horrible.

    Some days I feel pretty horrible being a woman and some days everything is fine. At 36 I am now feeling dysphoric. Same with my marriage, some days everything is fine and happy but when these thoughts about women or gender come in I get really frustrated and feel disconnected from my family. I just don't get why this is even happening to me? Why did I meet such a hopeless therapist and trust her so much.

    I'm starting to resent my kids because they are my responsibility, this is just a living nightmare
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I don’t know the process where you are, but you need to get urgent help with regards to your mental health. Either make an appointment with your GP/primary care practitioner or make contact with a local support service?

    Are you able to tell any friends or family that you’re feeling this way?

    I’m really sorry that you’re in such a bad place right now. You can also keep talking here, but I think some good real-life support is what you really need.

    Are you making time for yourself? Do you get time away from family life?
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Feb 20, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  3. CatWho

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    Hi Butterfly6,
    I hope you are seeing a better therapist now. If not, find one that specializes in LGBT issues ASAP. It sounds like you really need to talk to someone and you should not have to try to take all this on alone. Here is definitely a good place to vent frustrations. If you ever want to chat I’d be happy to listen. Don’t ever think things are hopeless and life isn’t worth living! You deserve help and to find happiness. Hang in there!!
     
  4. KJmusical

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    I am so sorry you’re feeling so terribly. Did you have ppd with ether of your previous kids? This may be a factor here. Please please make an appointment with your gp or midwife/on office. There is help to be had!
     
    lookingup9 likes this.
  5. Butterfly6

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    I did see my GP but I'm really embarrassed to tell him details. I dont know how he or my therapist would react if I told them I feel like hurting loved ones. I dont want them to take my kids away.

    I won't hurt them...just very dark thoughts. I cant tell my family...I come from a very repressed culture and I live in a very homophobic part of the city...sigh.

    Atm, I just go the gym, take care of my family and work. I've mentioned this before but for me being bisexual feels like I have 2 different personalities.

    I feel really guilty for feeling like a repressed teenager. I resent my children and husband for keeping me here...I used to love them. And then sometimes i love them so much i feel like I'm going to burst.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    That’s a tough situation, but being honest with care providers is the only way that you’re going to get the support you need. If you can’t be honest, then therapy is a waste of time. Could you start by mentioning that you feel like hurting yourself and build up to being fully honest?

    Change isn’t going to happen on it’s own. The situation won’t fix itself. When you’re ready, you need to actively do something to improve the situation.

    I relate to this and it’s a horrible feeling. When I was with my ex-partner, I felt trapped, hopeless and powerless. What helped me was to reframe the situation:

    1. I entered into this relationship of my own choice.
    2. Whilst leaving wasn’t practical or easy, it wasn’t impossible. I was choosing to stay due to the circumstances, but if I really wanted to, I could have left and I wasn’t being held prisoner. Nobody was going to take actions to change the situation for me, so by not acting, I was choosing to stay.

    Before I left my ex, leaving felt impossible. The day I left, I couldn’t believe how simple it really was. I had made a lot of excuses to stay, which felt valid at the time, but with hindsight, I could have overcome them.

    It’s really, really hard, but it won’t change by itself. Baby steps.
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Feb 20, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  7. KJmusical

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    I totally get the worry about what a doctor will think. Is there anyone you feel more comfortable with in your ob’s office? I totally agree with lostindaydreams, could you begin with the partial truth but say enough to make it clear you need some help? If you’re especially worried I suppose you could even do some googling of mandated reporter training? Doctors aren’t therapists, they don’t need to know about every detail. if you do have a chemical issue underlying all of this, it’s going to be extremely difficult to get to a place where you can address the rest of what you’re feeling until you reach a better baseline. These are all real, difficult things you’re working through. Baby steps is totally right, and making sure you’re not dealing with ppd on top of all of this would be a really good start I think. I soooo feel for you. Motherhood with littles is hard enough (I’ve got two littles myself) plus all the sexual orientation stuff (I’m also bi), plus just managing a marriage, is A LOT. One piece at a time. Wishing you all the best
     
    #7 KJmusical, Feb 20, 2020
    Last edited: Feb 20, 2020
  8. silverhalo

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    Hey I'm sorry you are struggling, you have to be as honest as you can with these people so they can help you. Have you at least told them about your thoughts of hurting yourself? It's sad that the first therapist gave such incorrect information for all those years, I hope that your current therapist has LGBT experience, I think it is essential.
    Do your family at least know that you are struggling, even if not the details?