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Feeling so gay...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Searching1, Jul 24, 2017.

  1. Searching1

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    Thanks so much, @silverhalo. Given the choice I would choose to separate for a few months. It is becoming a need that I have to explore this. However my reservation is that I see that as most likely us ending. That is also why I can't quite get myself to say "I am gay", because I know that if I were absolutely gay for sure, then neither of us would decide to stay together. I know my husband will see us as done but would desperately hang onto hope if we separated. But I do not think I could pretend all is fine and commit my emotions to him completely for a few months. Whenever he thinks everything is fine, I shut down and get depressed. All of this won't change. I feel like I have slowly climbed my way up to admitting I'm probably gay and I don't think I could or want to try and reverse that. Even the therapist said that now that I recognize this, there is no going back. She only presented the second option because she could see my husband was shutting down and saw us as done.

    Scary stuff. We will see how I feel after tomorrow.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey @Findingmyself1, I hope you have a really good evening. I understand not rubbing it in your husbands face but either way you deserve to be happy and if you come to the conclusion that a break is right then that is what is right, not meeting the girl wouldn't change that it may just prolong the realisation.
     
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  3. Searching1

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    I just got back from my evening with her. I could barely contain myself with the attraction and eye contact. I was about certain that there was a mutual attraction and it just seemed so flirty and exciting. It was intense. As the dinner progressed I shared more of what I am going through. She encouraged me to take my time and things would happen the way they are naturally meant to. She suggested that I continue to try and make things work with my husband and also sort of asked "wouldn't I know by now if I was gay". I explained this is common and people often find out later. I grew up Mormon in a conservative upbringing and saw experimenting in college as something bad or promiscuous. I likely just pushed it away. She told me she had a girlfriend in college but it wasn't for her.. she likes men and penis. She also said she is hit on by lesbians all the time and doesn't know why haha. She certainly seems gay to me! Lol

    So the attraction settled to a more normal amount once I accepted that she really is straight. Although yes I was disappointed, this really is for the best. It brings me back down to realty of the situation, not tainted by enfatuation and attraction. To be honest I'm a tad more confused now. Like I'm so scared I'm screwing up everything still. I am terrified of making the wrong decision.

    Now that my attraction to her is more manageable (though definitely present) I hope I can actually sleep tonight and not lay in bed aroused for hours haha.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    I completely understand your worries, but you're doing so well.

    I'm sorry the evening didn't quite go the way you might have liked, but as others have said, it's probably better that you're making all these decisions without a particular woman in mind. At least you'll know that you're making them for yourself.

    Keep updating.
     
  5. Lucky in Life

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    I agree with the others - you're doing beautifully, Findingmyself1! As silverhalo was saying, you deserve to be happy! If this relationship wasn't meant to be, maybe that'll give you a "clearer head" going forward - you do have some big decisions ahead of you. There's that line from Shakespeare-"This above all, to thine own self be true." That's probably good advice for all of us on EC! :slight_smile:
     
  6. Searching1

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    I am sort of panicking. I am at the crossroads. I have been oddly calm today and not panicked or depressed but things have suddenly changed. Last night my husband asked a few blunt detailed questions about my sexual attraction to women. I did not sugar coat and told him the details of what I experience when I am attracted to someone and what I have been experiencing this week with this girl. That I have never felt anything like this. He mumbled defeated.. we are done. You are gay. I said nothing but laid their depressed with him. Tears followed. In his depressed state he basically said it is just a matter of time before we end. Today I have been oddly calm and composed. I have not been depressed. I have felt alert.. aware. Maybe numb.

    My parents are obviously devastated with our current situation. My dad works in investments and real estate and has offered to buy us out of mortgage- either half or full if we end up deciding to separate down the road and rent the house out. He would like to get involved with Reno real estate anyway. He is taking the gambling out of it. Our temporary housing ends next week- the week the house is done. We have nowhere to live unless we get a rental like now or go through with house. We have to make the decision by tomorrow or we lose it. My husband called me a bit ago and said I need to make final decision. If we go through with house he does not want to separate soon after. We would have to commit for a few months. We also have to pay for the yard to be done and buy some furniture. He said he is asking for a few months commitment of no dating, no separation, commiting to try and make us work. I'm so scared it just won't be that easy.

    If I say I cannot make that commitment, this is me basically saying I likely want to separate. It would mean I am not even sure if I want to try anymore. He would see it as me giving up. I am still holding onto us and the possibility of making things work. I am holding onto the little inkling of not being fully gay. Maybe we can try dating a girl on the side. Maybe I will wake up one day and realize all I care about is him and our life and I can let everything else go away.

    I have been on the side of wanting to separate soon for a few days now. But now I see this as my last chance to try and make us work. I feel like I should at least try and do whatever I can to see if we are enough. But it would be so hard to buy this place only to both move out in a few months. I feel like I owe us this last chance. But renting a place keeps things more mobile and easy ..but again, it would be so devastating and symbolic of us being done if I don't agree to do house.

    This is some real heavy shit. I start my new job next week too. I have to make new curriculum for the classes I will be teaching but haven't even been thinking about it. Everything is happening at once. Holy crap. Thank goodness I have therapy tonight.
     
  7. Searching1

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    I think I am making the decision to do the house and give it my hardest commitment for a few more months. My husband's parents just hopped in the car to make 9 hour drive to pick up our toddler for her to stay with them for two weeks. His parents and my parents are giving it their all for us. I owe us one last hard try. I think I can try to do this. If after a few months I get nowhere, then I will go from there. I may even end up taking a little break from EC.. maybe just less frequent. I have to try my hardest now that we are at this point.
     
    #27 Searching1, Jul 27, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 27, 2017
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  8. silverhalo

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    Well I wish you the best of luck and if you need a break from EC then we all completely understand that. I really hope it works out for you but if it doesn't then we are all here anytime you need us.
     
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  9. Lucky in Life

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    All the very best, findingmyself1! You deserve it! Yes, as silverhalo says, EC will always be here if you need us.
     
  10. Searching1

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    Thank you so much, @silverhalo and @Lucky in Life. I likely won't be able to keep away :wink: but maybe I'll cut back a bit... at least in front of him.

    I had therapy tonight and it was wonderful. I basically admitted I'm fully gay. However I need time still. Logically it doesn't make sense to move forward with the house, but we are going to, even if we separate a few months later. I am giving my husband and myself a glimmer of hope for us. With time and a more relaxed state, the truth will emerge. We have been in a terrible crisis the past several weeks, and neither of us can think clearly- well at least not him. He has been insanely depressed and barely funcioning. He sees not doing the house as a done deal of us, so we are moving forward with that glimmer of hope. But I am afraid of denying what I have learned of myself. Honestly I don't think I will be able to (nor do I want to) shift my inner dialogue.

    I start my teaching job and we move in next week. There is so much going on and I need things to just chill out again. Even if that means not sharing what I am feeling with him. We can't be in crisis mode forever. And who knows.. maybe there is a chance I will find satisfaction and attraction towards him the next couple months. Likely I will still be where I am now. But at least there won't be a ticking time bomb anymore. We can take our time. Worst case my dad will have a rental property.

    Thanks again for all the support!
     
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  11. LostInDaydreams

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    I'm sorry you're going through this, Findingmyself1. I think you are handling this incredibly well. Best of luck with your new house and job! As others have said, we'll still be here if you need us.
     
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  12. leb10

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    I'm glad to read that the housing decision pressure is now off your shoulders. That must be such a relief! Hang in there as you figure out which way is up. Keep going to therapy and trust yourself. I have to keep telling myself that too. Best of luck to you! We'll be here if you feel the need to drop in for updates or support
     
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  13. Searching1

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    Thank you @LostInDaydreams and @leb10! Yes the extra time to breathe is really nice. We spent my birthday today in Tahoe just enjoying our time together. We are here for the weekend without our toddler- a sooo needed break. My husband says we have a 5% chance of making it.. very depressing. But he is holding onto hope and he has shifted his outlook to soaking up time together. Things feel a tiny bit more normal. We have been best friends and he wants to end on a positive note if we don't make it. It all feels so beautifully tragic. We really do enjoy our time together and I am finding his love for me is so pure and endless. I keep telling him we might make it through this. When things feel good I wonder if I'm crazy or have been convincing myself of attractions. But then I feel something towards my crush or read my journal from the last few months and know this is likely all very real.

    She texted me tonight and told me happy birthday and to know that things will happen the way they are meant to. She told me that if I trust her she wants to help me and be there for me. She said she was so grateful to have me as a friend and appreciates me. I've only spent time with her on two separate days and I feel I truly connect with her and we will be close friends. Though, I just have this super intense crush on her. Regardless I do feel like I may have met her for a reason.. she is helping me admit my own truth.
     
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  14. leb10

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    That's awesome you found such a great new friend! And even better that you feel you can talk to her. People you can trust and talk to make everything so much better.

    I'm glad you have a break from mommy duty for a little bit. I think it helps to have to take care of only yourself. My husband and I went to Hawaii the week before last and a little time to myself while he worked during the day was very needed. I empathize so hard with your description of needing to feel normal in your relationship and enjoying the time even with pressure creeping in. We always seem to be in such a similar spot.

    Have a great weekend in Tahoe!
     
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  15. Searching1

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    It really is crazy, @leb10 how similar of paths we have been on. We are like on the exact same ups and downs it seems! It's nice being out of a constant depressed scary crisis and just focusing on our time together. We are pretty sure what the future holds, but all we can do is enjoy each day the most we can. We both need time to acclimate and give us a chance to be sure of things.

    Thanks so much! Glad you are finding a sort of new level of normal as well.
     
  16. LostInDaydreams

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    It's great that you've a restful weekend and, as leb10 says, that you've got a friend you can talk to.

    I get what you've said about feeling differently when things are good. It's the same for me. When we have a nice day out, I think perhaps we can keep this relationship going, but eventually I get a reminder about why it isn't working.
     
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