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Feeling so gay...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Searching1, Jul 24, 2017.

  1. Searching1

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    Here is my lengthy update... sorry for the long story! It has been a weird few days. I started to finally feel better last week- not figured out but not so depressed and just content with not knowing what would happen. But my husband has been falling apart. Friday he was so withdrawn and apathetic about everything. He was basically saying he doesn't know what will happen but is just waiting to see, but prepared for the worst. He fell apart crying that night. He has such a hard time expressing emotion so he has been swinging back and forth from "everything is fine!" to completely depressed falling apart. He kissed me after the emotional talk and asked if it was doing it for me. I said it was late and I was so tired. The next morning he was so depressed and things weren't good.

    That day I met up with a girl for the first time to shoot a wedding with her (I was contracted second shooter through company). I ended up telling her what I am going through and said I think I might be gay. She was so receptive and asked a ton of great questions and kept checking in on me the rest of the day. Well I found myself completely crushing hard on her. I kept fantasizing about her kissing me and the crush grew like crazy throughout the day. We drove together 1.5 hours there and back so we got to know each other a lot. We shared our experience with depression and life struggles. When I dropped her off she said she would call me to make plans to hang out. I agreed I wanted to see her again. She texted me later and said she wanted to take me out to dinner on Wednesday. When I got home the second thing my husband asked if I got a crush on her (I got a crush on the last photographer I worked with). I reactively responded, "uh no". I knew that if he knew he would be so paranoid whenever I hang out with her.

    I laid in bed sooo aroused that night. It was crazy. My husband and I had sex and I got off faster than I ever have. The next morning he was incredibly happy. But I was withdrawn. I felt so effing gay. This is so real. I am so stuck between two worlds. He caught on halfway through the day and made me spill everything. I am always honest with him and he was terribly hurt that I lied the previous night about crushing on her. He is absolutely crushed now.

    So here I am constantly thinking about her, excited for our "date" while trying to convince myself and my husband I need friends and this is an opportunity to have one. He is so devastated. It is all feeling just so real. I feel incredibly gay. We start couples therapy tomorrow but I'm so scared it's too late. I care about him so so much and he is the most amazing selfless person ever. Two more weeks until we buy our "dream home" and here we are talking about the possibility of getting separate apartments down the road. Ugh this sucks.
     
    #1 Searching1, Jul 24, 2017
    Last edited: Jul 24, 2017
  2. I'm gay

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    This is such a difficult place to be, I know.

    I'm afraid these feelings aren't going to go away no matter how hard you try or how much sex you have with your husband. He might feel that having sex with you is the "cure" for all of this, but I can tell you that it changes nothing.

    I don't know if you can put the brakes on buying the house, but it seems unwise to commit to a house purchase with such an uncertain future. I'm also concerned about your "date" on Wednesday. Until this is resolved with your husband, I suggest that you are rushing to explore your newfound feelings for women. The more you head down that path, the more difficult this will be for you and your husband. Do you really want to add infidelity to this mix? I know it's just a "date" and not necessarily sexual, but it seems like you maybe want it to become sexual. I get the feelings, really I do. I had them too after I came out to my wife. It was difficult to wait to explore my gay self, but I did wait, and I'm so glad now that I did.

    Also, from your post here, I'm not sure if you've committed to the idea that you're lesbian. Have you? Are you still trying to figure yourself out?
     
  3. Really

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    Oh findingmyself1, this does suck but you know what? I think the couples therapy could actually help you. Besides helping couples work towards being better together, I'm pretty sure they must help couples be better apart if it comes to that. This might actually work in your favour if you're able to have the therapist help your husband deal with a breakup if that's what's going to happen anyway.
    Hang in there.
     
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  4. leb10

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    Hey findingmyself1. I've been wondering how you've been lately since we seem to be so in sync with all of this stuff. Sorry to hear it's been tough at home. I agree with Really, couples therapy could be really good for you two to have a space to say some of the scary things you feel but worry may advance the conversation more than you're ready for. Hang in there. Know that we're all here for support. Be careful on that outing with that new friend too. From some of your other posts about how much you care about your husband, I think you would regret something happening even though you may want to justify it so you can finally know. I struggle with desire to want to confirm one way or another too so I totally get it.
     
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  5. Searching1

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    Thank you so much for your input. It truly is so diffucult and yes my fear is that these feelings will keep coming back. Although I am feeling quite gay lately and can't deny that, I am still grasping onto the possibility that I am bi am deprived of ever experimenting with women. I am accepting that I need this at some point either within my marriage (if consented upon- I would never have an affair), or if we separate. Signs are certainly pointing to being gay and I have pretty much accepted being at least 75% gay. But I'm in a way hoping that through therapy we will unlock something.. that I will find a deeper love and attraction through combing through issues. I don't know. I am losing hope however.

    As far as Wednesday goes, it truly is just as friends and is not actually a date at all. I am so lonely and needing friends in a new area. It's unfortunate I have a crush on her, but I do seem to get crushes so easily lately. Although I'm my dreams I would love for it to be physical, I will NOT let it happen. I love and care for my husband too much. If there is tension and it is evident there are feelings from her end, then it will either involve a conversation and next steps with my husband or I will stop seeing her. We are still communicating a ton as scary as it is.

    We are being very real about the house purchase. We talk about me living there for a few months while he rents or renting it out while we both rent apartments. However if we have any firm decisions before then, then we wouldn't go forward. It definitely is such a terrible situation and terrible timing.

    Thank you again!
     
  6. Searching1

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    @Really and @leb10, thank you! Yes I am so happy we are finally doing marriage therapy- it took a while to get an appointment. All of this has brought up other issues with us so I know it is not just a clean "we are perfect except I'm gay" situation. I am hopeful that through addressing things I will be able to feel that deeper connection I am craving. I am skeptical about sexual attraction as that has never been strong. But yes, at least worst case therapy will be good for us even if we don't stay together.

    I will be careful Wednesday. Thank you for the reminder. Last night in a dark emotional moment he basically gave me permission to have sex with her. It was weird. He so desperately wants to keep me and on a level he thinks that psychologically setting me free will allow me to come back to him.. or rip the bandaid off. But I know that would be a terrible idea and could automatically end things on a trrrible note. Yes I do almost want to test if the attraction is sti there.. like do I actually like her. I almost want to keep testing if I'm gay.. without sex. Ugh at so hard!
     
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  7. Searching1

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    I canceled on her. I know it's for the best if I'm serious about still trying to make our marriage work. It sucks though. I was seriously looking forward to seeing her... which is why I knew I probably shouldn't see her. It's just all confusing and depressing.
     
  8. Peripuff

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    Well good luck with your situation, sadly I can't help because I've never been in a relationship and I already know I'm not attracted to girls. All I can say is good luck and I hope everything gets resolved with your and your husband's satisfaction.
     
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  9. Searching1

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  10. leb10

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    I know you're really disappointed and have been looking forward to making some new friendships. It feels really dishonest to want something to happen doesn't it? Like you know better so you keep yourself from getting close to make sure it doesn't (regardless of feelings being reciprocated) and unknowingly you give away another little piece of yourself. Maybe I'm just projecting my own experience so forgive me if I've missed the mark :slight_smile:
     
  11. Searching1

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    Yep that's pretty much it! I'm so engrossed in my own mind with crushes I get and can't help but keep thinking about this girl.. getting warm butterflies throughout my body. But then I feel guilty like I'm keeping a huge secret. I can't help but want something to happen. Not like something serious but I imagined her grabbing my hand at dinner or holding eye contact.. squeezing my leg. Just the thought of obvious tension is so exciting. But I don't need that right now. That is exactly what I do not need. And it kills me that I am feeling this. It's so hard.
     
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  12. Lucky in Life

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    I can't begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you, Findingmyself1, since I've never been married, but admire you deeply for your courage and your commitment to your husband am also touched by the love you and your husband have for each other, and the honesty you extend to each other. All of that is pretty hard to come by.
     
  13. Searching1

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    @Lucky in Life thank you so much. That means a lot! It is so insanely hard and I don't feel too courageous right now. But yes I am trying my absolute best because I care so much for my husband.

    Last night I did not sleep at all. Literally I was tossing and turning all night. I was thinking about me and my husband, but primarily was thinking about this girl. I have never felt anything like this before and in the intense craving moments it's like I absolutely have to see her again. I don't know if I can go much longer. I just feel like I have to experience being with a woman soon. I hope things calm down so I can buy more time to work on us. I will absolutely not be unfaithful to him, but there may have to be a conversation of a break if this keeps up. This is intense. What is happening???
     
  14. findingjoy

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    I know your situation is not mine, and being married complicates things, but there came a moment during my coming out and self acceptance where I just felt so gay....and just saying it felt so right.. and yes it's super intense! Do you feel good when you feel gay?

    I agree with @Luck In Life , pretty hard to come by and I admire you as well.
     
  15. Searching1

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    @findingjoy, it feels exciting and full when I say it. It definitely fits. But then it usually follows with a nervous "wtf" regarding my marriage. Like shit this really is real. Thank you for sharing your experience. It really is all so much.

    I had a feeling today I was approaching the climax.. the crossroads. Our first marriage therapy session was intense. I was honest and basically said I felt mostly gay. They therapist told us that is something that will never change and we need to come up with a plan. We are either going to take a break with no limitations on dating for a few months or give it a few months of trying our absolutely best to reconnect and work on us. But he wouldn't be allowed to ask any questions of how I am feeling. My husband is giving me the choice now and seems to be accepting whatever outcome. We also are planning I cancel our house purchase and rent. So this is a weight lifted though very depressing to see our house we have been looking forward to go. It is all just getting so real. Ughhhh.
     
  16. Really

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    Excellent progress! You can do this. The therapist's plan sounds very wise and reasonable.
     
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  17. Lucky in Life

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    I'm sure there's a mixture of sadness, nervousness, and many other emotions for both you and your husband right now. I continue to be very impressed with the generosity you each give to the other, the sense of quiet decency you bring to a very difficult time in your lives. You really listen to each other. Wishing the very best for each of you.
     
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  18. leb10

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    Wow that's huge news. Congratulations on the forward motion and good luck with your pick. I'm rooting for whatever makes you feel the most complete
     
  19. silverhalo

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    Hey Findingmhself1, I agree with the others you have been doing such a great job. The fact that saying I feel so gay makes you happy is such a great thing. I a man glad the therapy went well even if it was intense.
    Given the choice which option do you think you would pick?
    I understand you feel you have an obligation to your husband but I am a strong believer that if it's meant to be it will happen. I kind of get the feeling that trying to reconnect for a few months is actually only like delaying the enevitable. I am of course not telling you what to do and if you want to try then you definitely should but in my mind I'm just hearing your words about feeling like you are going to burst and how much you want to see that girl.
     
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  20. Searching1

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    Thank you so much, @Lucky in Life @leb10. That means a lot. Man this is such a challenge, and yes I am trying to take things a delicately as possible for my poor husband. I'm happy he doesn't seem so angry at me, and he is beginning to really understand what a mess this is for me. He is just heartbroken.

    We are approaching things differently now that we are considering going on a break and talking about the real possibility of us not working. He said I could go ahead and meet the girl tonight. I promised him I wouldn't do anything with her. But at this point I want to explore this a bit more. I texted her letting her know I can meet now.. that we had a rough therapy session and my husband understands I need a friend. I anxiously checked my phone for a few hours. My husband and I were laying in bed about ready to go to sleep when I heard the "ping" of my phone. When I saw the text saying she was good for meeting still, I felt the craziest hot rush through my body. I laid there panting, heart thumping, taken over by the idea that I would see her soon.

    So I am looking forward to tonight. I know I am going to talk about feeling more gay this week. I was so open with her last time with everything.. I will let her know how I am feeling. Just not how I'm feeling towards her. Though I am incredibly curious where she stands. She said she experimented in college with women but decided she prefers feeling small in bed with a man. She said it was unfortunate I never had the opportunity to explore this side of myself.

    I am scared that after tonight I may decide I break is the right decision. I'm going to wait to decide until after my therapy tomorrow. Oh that will be an interesting session. I can't wait to hear his reaction to how much has happened this week. I think I am ready to move forward admitting that I am gay.