Here is my lengthy update... sorry for the long story! It has been a weird few days. I started to finally feel better last week- not figured out but not so depressed and just content with not knowing what would happen. But my husband has been falling apart. Friday he was so withdrawn and apathetic about everything. He was basically saying he doesn't know what will happen but is just waiting to see, but prepared for the worst. He fell apart crying that night. He has such a hard time expressing emotion so he has been swinging back and forth from "everything is fine!" to completely depressed falling apart. He kissed me after the emotional talk and asked if it was doing it for me. I said it was late and I was so tired. The next morning he was so depressed and things weren't good. That day I met up with a girl for the first time to shoot a wedding with her (I was contracted second shooter through company). I ended up telling her what I am going through and said I think I might be gay. She was so receptive and asked a ton of great questions and kept checking in on me the rest of the day. Well I found myself completely crushing hard on her. I kept fantasizing about her kissing me and the crush grew like crazy throughout the day. We drove together 1.5 hours there and back so we got to know each other a lot. We shared our experience with depression and life struggles. When I dropped her off she said she would call me to make plans to hang out. I agreed I wanted to see her again. She texted me later and said she wanted to take me out to dinner on Wednesday. When I got home the second thing my husband asked if I got a crush on her (I got a crush on the last photographer I worked with). I reactively responded, "uh no". I knew that if he knew he would be so paranoid whenever I hang out with her. I laid in bed sooo aroused that night. It was crazy. My husband and I had sex and I got off faster than I ever have. The next morning he was incredibly happy. But I was withdrawn. I felt so effing gay. This is so real. I am so stuck between two worlds. He caught on halfway through the day and made me spill everything. I am always honest with him and he was terribly hurt that I lied the previous night about crushing on her. He is absolutely crushed now. So here I am constantly thinking about her, excited for our "date" while trying to convince myself and my husband I need friends and this is an opportunity to have one. He is so devastated. It is all feeling just so real. I feel incredibly gay. We start couples therapy tomorrow but I'm so scared it's too late. I care about him so so much and he is the most amazing selfless person ever. Two more weeks until we buy our "dream home" and here we are talking about the possibility of getting separate apartments down the road. Ugh this sucks.