Hello! ive posted about this in the past but i am really struggling right now with deep feelings of resentment to society for giving me 2 contradicting scripts: - making me feel that being a lesbian is wrong - also puting rainbows everywhere and going on about how “love is love” I feel really angry that, at a very young age i felt because of society that how i was was wrong and i believed it and made sure i reminded myself that love was not an option for me just because i fancied women! its ridiculous im so angry… and now im in my 30s with no experience, surrounded by straight people I resent and unable to positively identify with other lesbians and unable to mive forward with my life…Sh*T, help!
I'm sorry you're going through this (and can commiserate on some level). I understand feeling stuck and resentful in a society that sends out mixed messages, especially when you come out later in life. There's a lot more processing going on for those of us who come out later, a lot of grief attached to all those what-ifs and could-have-been scenarios. It's worse when the people we knew, those who made it difficult to be okay with ourselves, pull a complete 180 now (or at least, appear to; many people claim to be allies who really aren't). Your feelings aren't unfounded, and I won't say they're wrong, even though there are plenty of really great straight people out there (and of course, wonderful lesbians who won't alienate you for coming out later/not having experience). I will say that these are feelings that you're going to have to work through largely on your own, though. We can and will do whatever we can to help, of course, but sometimes, things just need to run their course. And honestly, a lot of what I'm reading here does sound like it's coming from a place of grieving; it has many faces, and there are no cookie cut-out stages that adequately represent an individual's experience. All you can do is express these feelings in as healthy a way as you can whenever they come. Feel them, let them go through you, reflect on where they come from and what you hope to gain from them--and then let it out. Put it into something you enjoy, something that's cathartic, such as painting, writing, music--anything that will ease these feelings. Journaling can be a great help when you need to sort out your thoughts, too. I'm not sure if this helps, but I hope it does. If you need anything, don't hesitate to reach out.
Thanks for taking the time i really appreciate it!! i guess because i have always known i was gay but had trouble moving forward with things i just fing that this grieving feeling is all too familiar and never ending which can feel hopeless at times!
I concur. My first sexual experience was at the age of 6, which should never happen to a six year old. I grew up with only same-sex experiences but knew after a few years that what I was doing was not acceptable, either in my family or society. No way I dared tell anyone what was happening, I went with the flow, as most do. Always made sure I had a "girl friend", always made sure I was masculine enough, always laughed at the inappropriate homophobic behaviors of others. I did whatever I thought I had to do to cover up my true self. I even got married, multiple times and had children. I fit my "square" body into the round hole of society, just like they expected. I don't resent society for it, they were all brought up with a lot of the same belief system. We can only try to change the "here and now" to maybe someday overcome the need to even come out. It's sad and mostly driven by religion, in my opinion, or at least that's where it started. It's hard to move forward and live as your true self. It's been baby steps for me. Hopefully you don't wait decades like I have. Best of luck.
