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Feeling really suicidal again

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Spot, Sep 14, 2018.

  1. Spot

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    So I don’t know if anyone will reply to this but eh, I think it’s worth a shot. I know I haven’t been posting a lot and that’s just because I’ve been in a shit place. It’s hard to feel motivated to get out of bed in the morning nowadays so I don’t feel like posting...

    Also I hope the spelling here is alright because I’ve been drinking again tonight but it’s been a few hours. Should be okay because I have autocorrect.

    Ever since I started presenting masculine like after I cut my hair and bought my new clothes, binding, all that, I’ve noticed that people are awful. People give me weird stares all the time, either something like a death stare or they just look like they’re in total disbelief. Sometimes they just look grossed out, I actually knew one girl who I used to go to school with and she called me disgusting to my face. There was also this woman, who I’ve talked about here before and she referred to me as “it” (wtf). Other than that, people mostly avoid talking to me.

    And I think it’s because I look more androgynous, I guess that means I’m not legally a human being or something? I’m sorry, I can’t get over being called an “it” yet. I do pass as male sometimes or I get misgendered. It’s a very mixed bag. But I don’t even fucking know these people personally, I don’t know what they’re problem is. I tried not to let it bother me too much until the other day when I overheard these two lovely ladies talking about me and one said, “Was that a transgender?” And then they laughed at that very insightful observation.

    Anyways, after all this, I started feeling bad. Everyone always says to me that I shouldn’t care what a few people think of me. Well, it’s not a few people. It feels like the entire world. And I feel like they want me to be strong and stay proud because if I don’t I have internalized transphobia or something. Literally the last time I said I hate myself and I don’t want to be like this, I lost all my friends so I better not let it show again. But I really do hate myself and humanity for the most part. I don’t like being out in public anymore and I’m too freaked out to use the public bathrooms. I don’t know if I look like a guy or a girl so I have the potential to be harassed in either bathroom. I don’t like looking in mirrors anymore, this is actually a problem I had a while ago but it’s come back again. And it’s not even just the things people have done or said to me, it’s also what I think other people are thinking of me all the time.

    I started feeling tempted to cut myself again (actually did relapse a month ago) and drink and smoke cigarettes and weed. Not even kidding. I just wanted something to numb the pain and waste time so I wasn’t in my thoughts all the time. I obviously started drinking more and I was going to buy cigarettes today. But believe it or not, the tobacco store I was going to buy from was actually closed down so maybe there is a God after all. I could ask my friend if I could buy some weed but I’d feel shitty about that, I’m waiting for her to ask if I want to buy some but I don’t know if that will happen haha. Yeah so, life is not good. I don’t enjoy anything and I just look forward to the next time I can cut or drink.

    I haven’t gone out in a little while. I don’t like being in public, it always made me anxious but it’s worse now.

    I have been thinking about killing myself a lot. Meaning that I’ve been thinking about methods, what I would write in a note and who I would give my stuff to. Because first of all, I feel like this isn’t really living. I could either do what I want and live my own life but I’ll have to keep dealing with people and I feel like it would ultimately lead to misery and isolation. I could also force myself to be a heterosexual woman and do what everyone else wants me to do. I’d be miserable but at least everyone would get off my case. But what’s the point in being alive if I’m living a lie? Also, I feel like so many people would be happy if I just killed myself. I just feel like they’d probably think it was great that another trans person is dead.

    And I tried to call a suicide hotline yesterday because I didn’t want to burden anyone I know personally. I actually dialled the number and everything but I hung up because I felt like they wouldn’t really understand. That’s why I don’t talk to therapists about it either...how can they understand what it’s like? It’s not that I can really expect them to, though...I’ve seen so many therapists now that I know what’s going to happen. I’d come out to them and tell them my issues, they won’t take it seriously and they’ll give me some generic advice I’ve heard before (like just stop thinking about dysphoria lmao) but I’ll act like it works so they feel like they’ve helped and they don’t worry about me anymore. But I can’t expect them to understand, I almost feel like I’m asking too much.

    And I don’t understand how everyone else here seems to do okay but then there’s me. Like how do you stay positive and just learn not to care about what other people think? I can’t hate people forever, they’re everywhere...
     
  2. Mihael

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    Don’t let those people kill you with your own hands. You would make those assholes a favour this way.

    You sound like you have depression. Maybe you should take drugs instead of self medicating with weed - weed only makes mental health problems worse. It’s treatable. It really is. It just takes time and patience. And handling it in a thought through manner.

    The thing is, depression makes you feel like this one person or two that were rude are the entire world. When you have better mood it feels very differently.

    I’ll come back in a few hours with another post. I have to go now.
     
  3. Crisalide

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    Do you have a trans rights - or just lgbt rights - association you can reach? That way you would stay in an accepting environment, at least for a few hours.
    If your therapists think they've helped but actually didn't, protest. Talk again about the help or understanding you need. Even the whole session, if it's necessary, even obsessively. They didn't live your experience, but as therapists they're supposed to be understanding people.
     
  4. Kodo

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    I've spent the last year in a very similar place to where you are now. I spent all my spare money on cigarettes, got high and drunk whenever more times than I can count. I was in very deep depression and considering ending my life. In May I had developed a plan, but something stopped me. I didn't want the people I lived with to find my body or learn that I had committed suicide. I didn't want my doctor or therapist to wonder what they had done wrong, how they could have saved me. I felt justified that taking my life would end my pain, and it would be a way to stick it to my father who had disowned me. But I couldn't go through with it. Perhaps I was too much of a coward, I reasoned. But that cowardice kept me alive.

    You are not alone, Spot. I know that right now every breath feels worthless and painful. You think you'd be better off, and the people in your life would be better of if you were dead. But that isn't true. Even if your family seems to not care, there are others who care. All of us here at EC care. I for one, would be devastated if you took your life. You are an amazingly strong person for making it this far. You can make it farther, but you have to believe that outside of all this pain there is something worth living for, even if you can't see it today. I know that just a few months ago I would have scoffed at someone telling me "it gets better." Because they didn't have to go through what I went through. They didn't know the kind of pain I was in. Perhaps you feel the same way.

    Please, get help. Open up to people, like you're doing with us. It is the first step in recovery. If you explain to your therapist that you are considering suicide, they can help you. That is what I did, though it scared the shit out of me. Another thing I did is looked up the closest mental hospital in case I was at risk of taking my life. I promised myself if it came down to it, I would pack my bag and check myself in. What you are going through right now is depression, and while drugs and alcohol feel good in the moment, it is a dangerous spiral that can lead to addiction and even more self hate. Speak to your doctor about antidepressants, these may provide some relief to you. For me, medication lifted me up just enough to not want to take my life anymore. It's worth it, even if the relief is small.

    Please stay with us, brother. There is so much more in your life that you haven't gotten to experience. Friends you haven't met, places you haven't been, foods you haven't tasted, movies you haven't seen, sunsets you haven't watched, songs you haven't heard. The future is a scary place but it is full of beautiful experiences all waiting for you, and so much love if you give yourself the chance to experience it. I've always felt somewhere in the back of my mind that I would be the one who ended my life. If it isn't being trans that kills me, the bipolar disorder will. But then I'd just be another statistic, another life thrown away because the world was cruel. But the world needs more people like you and me. People who, despite all the shit we have to go through, made it. So that we can be an example to other kids who have to go through the same things - to show them that there is always hope. Maybe it doesn't get better. But you get stronger. Always keep fighting.

    I'm here for you. Please message me if you're feeling lonely, depressed, or just need to vent. I promise to answer.
     
  5. Mihael

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    Do you know more constructive ways of tension release than cutting or addictions? Maybe you should just cry or do some sport or watch a movie. Or maybe you should get back at those mean people.

    Trying to think positively isn’t going to take you far. I hate this philosophy. It’s BS. I mean, think positively if you feel like it, but if you don’t feel like it, then don’t. It’s just stupid to say “positive thinking” is a value in and of itself. It’s just not. Realism is. Some things make you feel bad. Nothing wrong about it. It’s alright to not feel okay. This whole “positive thinking” in fact often preaches repression and submission to those who are doing the harm that causes the negative feelings in others. If you follow what I’m trying to say...
     
  6. TrevinMichael

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    I am with Emerry on this. Think positive. You are worth love just like anyone else.
     
  7. Guest10

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    TrevinMichael said:
    I am with Emerry on this. Think positive. You are worth love just like anyone else.

    Actually, emerry was dissing the whole "think positive" thing.

    Emmery said:
    Do you know more constructive ways of tension release than cutting or addictions? Maybe you should just cry or do some sport or watch a movie. Or maybe you should get back at those mean people.

    Emmery, if it was that simple, none of us would be depressed. When a person becomes suicidal, their logic system is dysfunctional. Cutting is an addiction, and you cannot manage addictions by diverting your attention. Also, getting back at people is a waste of energy, and can backfire badly.

    Spot, I know the feeling -- I've been there. Where do you live that is so judgmental and closed minded? If you really can't escape that kind of environment, maybe you should think about relocating. In the town that I live in, no one would even blink, no matter how you look, or whether you pass or not. If relocating is not an option, you do need to do something, because what you are experiencing is either depression or gender dysphoria, and both are considered fatal diseases because they both will eventually drive anyone to suicide. Being trans is not a disease or condition of any kind, but dysphoria and depression are diseases, and like many diseases must be treated to get them under control -- you can't fix yourself.

    Are you taking any prescription medications? What you need is not a counselor, but a psychiatrist, and you need one who you can feel comfortable talking to about anything. You need a psychiatrist because very few counselors really understand depression, and most cannot prescribe medications. Actually, no one can really understand depression or dysphoria, unless they have experienced it personally -- I have. Psychiatrists though are trained to how spot both of those, how to evaluate them, and how to treat them -- they understand them intellectually, but no one understands them viscerally unless they suffer from them. You need to be on anti-depressant medication, and probably anti-anxiety meds as well.

    I'm guessing that marijuana has not been legalized where you are. If it's been legalized for medical use only, you need to get a card that will allow you to buy from a dispensary. With street pot there's no way to know what you are getting, and it's almost certainly going to be high-THC/low-CBD. High THC will almost always make things worse -- the same is true of alcohol, though I understand the drive to smoke and drink when you are depressed. If you could get high-CBD/low-THC pot, it might do you some real good, but you really have to get it from a dispensary, you're not going to find it on the street.

    One thing that you can [probably] get yourself to do is just raw exercise -- I use a treadmill. I get myself to exercise by letting myself get angry at my depression/dysphoria/anxiety (yup, I suffer from all three), and then I walk like I'm on a mission to destroy them. A treadmill can be pretty mindless, or a stair climber, or a stationary bicycle, anything that's repetitive. If there's a place you can walk outside, that's better,(especially if it's hilly), but I know all too well that sometimes you just can not go outside -- there's no explaining it, and only people who have been there can understand, but we sometimes (most of the time) can not just walk out the door.

    I would say that your condition is critical, and you need to do something more or different very soon. Its not at all inappropriate to walk into an Emergency Room, and tell them that your emergency is that you are [seriously] suicidal. Let them know that it is RIGHT NOW suicidal, not just that you are worried that you may do it -- tell them if you don't get appropriate help NOW, you're going to do it. That's not at all a lie -- if you don't get some real help, you are going to attempt suicide, and from what you say, sooner rather than later. I have been there. I have made several attempts, and the last one really should have succeeded, so I know the territory between where you are right now, and where you really do not want to go. Believe me, I've been there, and you do not want to go there.

    Try to make use of some of the things I've said, and please either PM me, or post back here to let me know how you are doing. Believe it or not, I care about you, and want to know how you are doing. I'm probably going to be slammed for being so "negative." I'm not being negative, honest -- I'm being real. I've been there and done that, and I know that no amount of positivism is going to mean shit to you. You are in a pit right now, and you're going to need (professional) help to get out. The other thing I want to tell you is that, though I really have been there and done that, right now all my mental/emotional conditions are in remission, and/or under control, and I can tell you that, in the long run, life really is the best choice (the only choice, really). The only way your life is going to get better is if you stick around to live it. Like everything else, regarding the shit you are going through, "This too shall pass."
     
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  8. Bardic

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    I can't believe you're being treated so badly just for presenting as male. That's absolutely horrifying!

    I can't say I understand what it's like, because I had a much better experience when I started to transition, and I can't say I know how much you're suffering, because I've never felt bad enough to cut or self-medicate, so I won't say those things.

    I will say that it would be a tragedy if you had to die after months of suffering, and it would be a tragedy to end your life here if it turned out that you had a lot of happiness in store for you in the future. Every time I've ever wanted to die, I've always thought "But what if a month, a year, even ten years from now it all gets better? Could I ever forgive myself if I missed out on that?"


    When my anxiety or depression or life in general have been bad, I've found that the most important thing is to do something different, because doing the same thing over and over sure isn't going to help. For example, calling that suicide helpline or seeing a therapist.
    And, I know you're scared that they won't understand, but they just might, and you don't know if you don't try.
    Of course, that's easier said than done because they might just not understand, and if you have to deal with a lot of people who don't understand, it can make you feel like you're going a little crazy.

    So here's what I'm offering to do for you:
    I'll be a person who understands. Or, at least, tries to understand. At the very least, I can tell you that what your feeling is valid, because it definitely is. Even if you're feeling something that doesn't really make sense to you.


    But now I'm rambling. I think everything I've said on this entire website is ramble-y.
    If you want someone to talk to whether its for advice or just for venting, I'll do what I can. At the very least, it's something different you can try, and if it's not working for you, I won't be offended if you walk away.

    Whatever happens, I promise you that you're not the only person who's been in this sort of situation. There are millions of people who struggle with mental health issues, and even more so when they're trans (I mean, just look at the statistics). You're not stupid or weak or broken--you're a normal person in an abnormal and difficult situation. That can look a lot like being broken, because sometimes these situations will break you, but that is no more evidence of your weakness than it is evidence of the weakness of oak trees if they catch fire.
     
  9. Lexa

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    I think you should talk to a therapist ASAP. You need help.

    And you are indeed not alone. I have suicidal thoughts again too. (It's not because of being bisexual).

    Don't give up. I think the most important thing to do right now, is to find yourself a therapist. Even if you feel he can't really help you, at least you can tell him your story and that on itself can help you too.

    I honestly and truly believe we all can learn how to dance in the rain, even if it is a whole lot of rain.
     
  10. Guest10

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    Hey Lexa,

    I really like that line!
     
  11. Guest10

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    Hey Spot,

    You still there? Are you safe? I'd PM you, but I can't -- I'm too new here. I guess you can't PM me either until I''m a "Full Member." Kinda frustrating. Please let me know what's happening with you.
     
  12. Spot

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    Yes, I'm okay. I've just hopped online now to let everyone know I'm still here. I'll try to write some more later and hopefully give a more in depth response.

    Thank you everyone for the kind words though, I really appreciate it.
     
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  13. Guest10

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    Hey Spot,

    Thanks for the update. We're here for you.
     
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  14. Mihael

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    I had depression, I did feel suiscidal way too many times. But hey, I don't qualify according to you, yes? And this is what counts! Yeah! Don't snap judge.

    Some method doesnmt work for you, doesn't mean it didn't work for someone else. Emotions that cause the cutting have a source and this is where they truly belong. Not in the self harm.

    And yes, I'm saying to throw the positive thinking out of the window. It's a harmful concept when real harm is being done.

    No, I'm not nice and peaceful. I'm not even trying to calm down and think positive. And this is why I'm not depressed.

    I'm not telling to divert attention : I'm saying quite the opposite. Addicitions frequently are a way to escape pain and/or confrontation.
     
  15. Guest10

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    You don't qualify as what? I don't think anything I said disqualified anyone from anything. I've been fighting depression for almost 50 years, have made a couple serious attempts at suicide, and now have my mental health under control (have had for a while). I have dealt successfully with many suicidal people, so I know whereof I speak.
    Emotions that cause depression have a source too, but just knowing that they have a source doesn't help. He needs to figure out what that source is and deal with it, and most people need professional help for that.
    True, but what good does that do Spot?
    Drugs? What drugs? Are you suggesting street drugs, or did you mean to tell him to see a doctor and get some prescription medications?
    Cry? Get into sports? Get revenge? Is that how you conquered your depression? Get revenge? Really? That must be the worst piece of advice I've ever heard!

    This place is too Draconian for me -- I've asked to have my account deleted, so if you want another crack at me, you'd better do it while the staff here is "considering my request." Like they're going to decide NOT to delete my account. Jesus...
     
  16. Crisalide

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    Whoa, deleting an account... wow.
    I don't think Emerry was suggesting *real* acts of revenge. Self-harm can be caused by anger or emotions in general that are directed towards ourselves instead of others who have wronged us. It's not the only possible cause, just one of them. I think Emerry was suggesting to let those emotions out somehow. That's why Emerry mentioned sports.