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Feeling really different

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Butterfly6, Mar 30, 2020.

  1. Butterfly6

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    For the past year I have been really diving into my sexuality and figuring who I am without holding back. I still identify as bi (but more kinsey 4).

    My question is that this has been hard for me, maybe even traumatic. I'm trying my best to hold onto my marriage and we have 3 kids together.

    I've been having scary feelings lately. I'm starting to have thoughts of hurting people and animals. I'm not sure of this related to coming out to myself.

    I'm getting really bad panic attacks and uncontrollable urges to do horrible things, I feel evil. These feelings are partly the reason I kept this part of my sexuality out of my mind because it brought up some of these other weird feelings.

    Sorry to ramble. I can't tell anyone about this, my children will be taken from me and I feel like I'd be put in a mental hospital.
     
    #1 Butterfly6, Mar 30, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 30, 2020
  2. starmotive

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    Hello!

    Based on what you've said, there's a few things to address, but the most important thing I'd like to say is that if you feel like you are going to harm yourself or others, please get help. I know given the current situation emergency rooms aren't the best place to be, but please see someone. Try looking into crisis helplines (there's a lot of people who are offering phone, video, online counseling)

    Can I ask why/if something prompted you to start exploring your sexuality?

    I know it's a scary thing to think about, but do you think your partner would be open to discussing this with you? Like saying that you have started to be attracted to women as well, but that (you don't want it to affect your relationship with them? - I'm not sure if you're still invested in the relationship because you say you're trying to hold on to your marriage...).

    Please please please seek help from a mental health professional if you can. That being said, when did the feelings of violence start happening? At the same time you started to accept your sexuality? I am not a health care professional and I am simply trying to help you with my opinion, but do you think your thoughts could be related to internalized homophobia? If you were brought up to believe that homosexuality is wrong, it may be that those thoughts are still weighing on you, and if you can't take out your anger on yourself that's why you think about harming others?

    I really don't have sufficient information to say anything, but just a thought. Do you have any family history of mental health problems?

    Again, please seek help if you need it.
     
  3. Mysteria

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    If you seek help, especially since you're not acting on those thoughts, you might end up in the hospital (not the worst place in the world- I have ten psych hospital stays under my belt and I can tell you that all of them were preferable to dying or hurting someone (doing stupid stuff while manic) ) but you won't lose your children. When they evaluate you in the ER they know that intrusive thoughts are not wanted. And you wouldn't necessarily end up in the hospital.
    But you do need to get help ASAP. These things do not get better on their own.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi @Butterfly6

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re still feeling like this. As above and as I said on your last thread, I think you need to be honest with your GP, therapist, etc. as this won’t go away on it’s own. Please keep posting here, but I think you need to address this in real-life too.

    Could you find a support number to call? Start anonymously and go from there. Something equivalent to the Samaritans or mindline?

    Or, perhaps it’s time to think about whether staying in your marriage is sustainable? The situation won’t change or fix itself. Only you have the power to do something about it.

    Take care. Keep posting.
     
  5. Butterfly6

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    Hi, I think I'm really frustrated about everything and I really want to leave my whole life behind. My marriage is part of the problem but I really feel like my kids, job, where I live, plus my own separate emotional problems are feeling heavy right now.

    I just want to move far away and start over...
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    It’s really hard when there are many things you want to achieve at once. Do you feel that make changes in one area might help with the others or that once the process has started other things might change too?

    When l left my ex, my fixed term job had just ended, and I moved to another town (with my daughter). I got a completely different job eventually, so whilst I only set out to leave my ex, there were a lot of other changes too.

    With regards to your children, do you feel capable of looking after them? If not, do you feel able to ask for support or would your husband be able to be their primary carer? Your unhappiness with your marriage, work and location can be worked on, but you need seek support with regards to your children.
     
  7. silverhalo

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    Hey, thats a tough situation, I totally appreciate it is not easy to leave your current situation but regardless of husband and kids if your mental health is in that bad shape then you have to do something.
     
  8. Butterfly6

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    Hi, I forgot to mention that I have started to see a therapist but now with the epidemic, I can't meet with her or even talk to her due to privacy in my household.

    Honestly, I was hoping to wait until our son was older to address my issues. Slowly, everything at once has taken me down. I dont have a job atm to buffer my feelings (I'm in Canada and non-essential work is shuttered).

    Our son is only 16 months and needs me constantly and I just dont know how leaving would even work. It definitely wouldn't be the best for him especially.

    In a perfect world, I would be able to leave my family, move away and figure myself out. This is all just too heavy.
     
    #8 Butterfly6, Mar 31, 2020
    Last edited: Mar 31, 2020
  9. Butterfly6

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    I feel extremely guilty about everything. I've lost the connection with everything in my life since these feelings have become so strong, they're overwhelming.

    I no longer resonate with anything, it's such an unnerving feeling. Like I dont even feel like a mom anymore, husband feels like a stranger, my house looks eerie.
     
  10. silverhalo

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    Its a shame you cant still speak to your therapist, is there no way you can find a little bit of privacy? `I understand its difficult when everyone is home.
    Splitting up your family is not ideal but if you are unable to live in the current situation whilst maintaining a level of mental health then that is no good for you, your son or your husband.
     
  11. LostInDaydreams

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    I agree with @silverhalo, the current situation doesn’t sound good for your children, your husband or yourself either. I understand that leaving will be hard, but I think you need to do something to address how you’re feeling. I don’t know what the restrictions are like, but can you speak to your therapist whilst you’re sat in your car or something? Does your husband still go out to work? I appreciate that the current circumstances must be making things incredibly difficult...would your therapist consider email or messenger?
     
    silverhalo likes this.