Between having watched a few de-transition vids and almost no "dysphoria" for a few days, I'm feeling like i'm faking all of these feelings again. I feel like if I transitioned I would only change my mind. I'm just not strong enough to go through this, and at 24 I'm only now starting to figure out what I want to do with my life. I figure this whole thing has been me dealing with disassociation rather than dysphoria. 20's are stressful and I seem to always look for an escape. I feel like if I was born a girl (and I wish I was), I'd still be a tomboy as far as my actions are concerned. (I'd still love to wear super femme dresses and accessories, but I won't do that as a man.) I don't "feel" like a girl, nor do I act as one. I hate the way my body looks, but I'm also fat (235 lbs) and so that must play a part in it. Besides, my mom and grandma have problems with taking pictures and all that stuff just like I do. I live in a state where depression is more of a rule than an exception. I want to be a singer and part of the music industry to some extent, but I'd rather blend into the background. I don't want to be some strange creature everyone looks at. I already feel that way, I don't want to make this worse. Ultimately, I just don't see any way out of this. I guess I'll just have to find some other way around this.