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feeling pretty shit rn

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by AriKari, Jan 7, 2018.

  1. AriKari

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    Between having watched a few de-transition vids and almost no "dysphoria" for a few days, I'm feeling like i'm faking all of these feelings again.
    I feel like if I transitioned I would only change my mind. I'm just not strong enough to go through this, and at 24 I'm only now starting to figure out what I want to do with my life. I figure this whole thing has been me dealing with disassociation rather than dysphoria. 20's are stressful and I seem to always look for an escape.
    I feel like if I was born a girl (and I wish I was), I'd still be a tomboy as far as my actions are concerned. (I'd still love to wear super femme dresses and accessories, but I won't do that as a man.)

    I don't "feel" like a girl, nor do I act as one. I hate the way my body looks, but I'm also fat (235 lbs) and so that must play a part in it. Besides, my mom and grandma have problems with taking pictures and all that stuff just like I do. I live in a state where depression is more of a rule than an exception. I want to be a singer and part of the music industry to some extent, but I'd rather blend into the background. I don't want to be some strange creature everyone looks at. I already feel that way, I don't want to make this worse.

    Ultimately, I just don't see any way out of this. I guess I'll just have to find some other way around this.
     
  2. AlexJames

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    I have my fair share of dysphoria-free days too, usually if i'm stressed or sick or busy. Sorry you're feeling like shit, not really sure what to say tbh. I feel you to a point tho because i'm in my early 20's too and just now figuring myself out.
     
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  3. newts

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    Dysphoria isn't 24/7, it's normal to have periods where you feel it to a lesser degree. There isn't one specific way of "feeling like a girl," that's mostly just a phrase trans people use to simplify their feelings for other people (in my opinion). It is important to consider doubts before transitioning, but you shouldn't hold yourself back just because the process of transitioning is intimidating...not sure if I'm getting across what I mean here or not, but if your doubts are all based in fear that you "aren't strong enough" to transition, don't let that trick you into thinking you're faking. Another thing...I actually think doubts are good. Transitioning is a big step, and second guessing yourself prior to doing it shows that you're putting a lot of thought into your decisions.
     
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  4. AriKari

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    I've noticed I have very little dysphoria if much at all when I'm stressed or busy. It's the busy part I feel like I need to work on rather than my dysphoria. I spend a lot of time actually doing nothing (sitting on the computer, etc.) I've ghosted my last few jobs and fucked myself, and left myself with nothing to do (although, now that I'm typing this, I had dysphoria at my jobs, too. But they were mostly physical and became extremely monotonous after only a short time.) I'm trying to have a job where I get to talk to people regularly and get more involved in my own hobbies, getting my life together, and things like that. Just adulting in general, which I've put off for far too long. I'm in a different headspace now and so I'm beginning to think I just had too much time on my hands and latched onto the idea of being trans as an excuse rather than do what I'm supposed to.
     
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  5. AriKari

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    I've definitely been dwelling on this for several years now. And I definitely know there's no correct way to be a girl or anything like that. I wouldn't ever dream of telling someone else that they have to be a girl a specific way. I will admit though, that I have biases which make me "question" other people's 'transness' if you will, who I notice have a similar experience to me. I wouldn't put others down, and I'm not exactly sure what it is that makes my situation different from theirs, but I do have these shitty biases which make me think this way and I'm not exactly sure what to do about it or even why i think this way.
     
  6. Hanyauku

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    Hey, Ari. I just want to echo what others have said, dysphoria comes and goes. To be honest, there are a lot of days when I don't hate my body. I'm never really happy presenting as a boy, but I don't spend everyday repulsed at the sight of myself. Questioning gender is complicated, and doubts are common. Being trans isn't an excuse. The vast majority of cis people don't spend a ton of time agonizing over their gender. The fact that so many of us on EC spend so much time doing that goes pretty far in validating our trans identity, at least in my opinion. In regards to you thinking being overweight has something to do with your dysphoria, I would say that I went from being fat to being skinny. I thought that being an overweight boy was what was the cause of my discomfort with myself, and that If I could just be a fit boy, I would be happy. So, I dropped a bunch of weight, got fit, but still wasn't happy. Because when I looked in the mirror, yeah I guess I looked pretty good for a guy, at least better than before, but I was still looking at a guy. If anything, my discomfort with myself got worse, because I couldn't use the feelings about my weight to hide the dysphoria I felt with having to be a "boy".
     
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  7. AriKari

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    I guess my only question for you would be, have you started hormones? Does transition feel "natural" to you? If so, how do you feel about it now? Sorry to be invasive, but I don't think I'll get past this period of doubt without getting a little personal about another's experience and getting some insight.
     
  8. Chip

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    Have you/are you seeing a therapist? I think you're wise to take your time in exploring this; as I think I've mentioned a couple times before, there's data (cited in the wonderful documentary "Growing Up Trans") showing that about 40% of people who experience dysphoria in their teens find it resolving without any intervention by mid-20s. I'd think in your situation that therapy would be a good thing to explore to help you gain clarity.