Sorry to be posting here AGAIN. This weekend there was a Pride event in the city I live in. I didn't go. I told myself it was because I only came back from travelling home to visit friends and family on Sunday afternoon, but really it's because I just don't feel I deserve to attend. Seeing and hearing Pride going on just made me feel so sad for a few reasons: 1.) I'm not really able to make the same references to gay pop culture or enjoy the same media as the other LGBTQ+ people I know (which is entirely through the sports group I was going to). I've never seen most of the TV programmes, films or theatre that they talk about and can quote. I've seen some of them, but none of them really clicked with me that much at all. 2.) I don't have the same life trajectory. I only realised I was gay when I was 19, and only came out to my parents last year at 27. I'm still not out to my extended family beyond my parents. And I have no gay friends. I also don't have the life experience that other gay men have- barely dated, never done anything more than oral sex, never been in a long-term relationship, never done hookups, never tried poppers, never been to a gay spa, only been to a gay pub twice. 3.) I don't exactly look photogenic. Last night I saw people leaving Pride and I thought it was just as well that I didn't go, since I would never have the confidence to wear anything like leather. I just don't have any suitable clothes I could have worn, nor the charisma to. I've been trying to wear more of the clothes I want to - ones that look 'gayer' - but twice when I visited my hometown last week I got guys making comments and even yelling stuff at me accross the street because of what I was wearing, and I really didn't think I was dressed that 'gay' at all. I really wish I could do all the stuff other people do, but I am torn between thinking "Why should I force myself to do stuff I hate" and "Maybe I'm just scared and I would enjoy it". Either way I feel inferior and worthless. Other people describe coming out and finding other queer people as a wonderful experience, but it's been anything but for me. It'd be great if I still felt accepted by the straight friends I have at home, but honestly one of them in particular is becoming more homophobic, and the others are less-than-comfortable with non-straight identities. Other queer people have networks of gay friends to talk to, but I don't. I've really tried with this sports group, and I was getting somewhere (some of them even ackowledge my existence now, yay) but seeing the warm and friendly welcome other new memebers get made me feel there must be something wrong with me as I didn't (and still haven't) had the same response.