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Feeling like the "man" in the relationship (rant&tldr)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Sarkzar, Nov 6, 2016.

  1. Sarkzar

    Regular Member

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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Let me start off by saying I love my girlfriend and I can't imagine my life without her. She's sweet, I love spending time with her, and we get along really well. The one major problem I'm having though is feeling like there's a lot of pressure on me to keep our relationship "fun". It's something I want to work on though so if anyone has any advice please please please let me know. I know this is a long-ish post so I'm gonna put a tl;dr at the bottom.

    Alright, here we go. We're both in college and working part time at the local mall, so money's tight and we don't always have the weekends free to go out, but we do stuff at least once every two weeks or so. We usually trade off who pays when we go out too, so it's not like money's the big problem either. My issue is that recently she's been telling me she wants more "excitement" and that she misses how our relationship was when we had just started dating.

    I've talked to a few of my friends and they've come to the conclusion that she wants more of the "honeymoon phase" which has me completely at a loss. No matter how much I want to, I have no idea how to get that feeling back for her. I can't exactly plan more dates; we can't afford to go out more often than we do and I've planned almost every date/dinner we've ever had. She refuses to pick restaurants because she's "indecisive" or "doesn't care", and the same goes for any other places. She's planned maybe two of the dates we've had over the last 6 months, and one of them was just her naming all of the "nicer" restaurants in town and forcing me to decide where I wanted to go (Which I found sort of unfair but I shrugged it off at the time). My friend advised me to mix up the type of dates that we do go on, but after so many weeks of deciding everything that we do, I just feel burned out and tired of the whole process. It's just not fun or exciting for me anymore, and when we are on a date I'm constantly thinking about how she's feeling or if what I chose was good enough for her rather than enjoying myself.

    The same goes for the more intimate parts of our relationship. We're both very affectionate and love being around each other, so the amount of time spent together isn't an issue. I'm usually the one travelling to her place to spend the night and things like that, but since her schedule is often busier than mine I figure it makes the most sense. But lately I've been noticing that it's something she's flat out come to expect of me, regardless of how much earlier I have to get up in the morning. Take the other night, for example. I've made a habit of going over to her house almost every night, but recently I came home from a 6 hour shift exhausted and partially sick. I had gone over to her house the night before to comfort her, left when she did at 6am, went to school, and then worked until about 9 pm. I was completely worn out and told her I felt too sick to go over, and while she apologized she made no offer to come to my house. She had been free that afternoon and I knew the only thing she had to do the next day was paint her room, which she planned on starting around 10am, so I figured I'd cut the crap and just flat out ask her to come over. She replied that she was "getting up early" the next day to paint and that she didn't have the time, but she wished she did. Now, I was rather crabby already, but I couldn't help but feel offended that after all of the mornings I spent getting up early to leave her house that she couldn't do the same for me this one time.

    The third and probably most trivial thing is how she displays affection. In that aspect we're both very different people. I'm much more "crude" I guess you could say. I'll smack her butt when she walks past me or make the occasional dirty joke/sexual innuendo, or I'll compliment her body in ways that aren't exactly appropriate for children's movies, but it's nothing too extreme and she's never had a problem with it (I've asked several times if I'm going too far and she's always said that she likes it and thinks that it's cute/funny, and that she'd stop me if she ever felt differently). I compliment her/talk to her in more serious/romantic ways as well, but when I'm just hanging out with her this is generally what I'm like. I've also got a much higher libido, but I can accept when she turns down my advances.

    Problem is, just like with the dating stuff, she almost never makes any moves of her own. I've looked this up on my own separately and gotten a few threads on other sites with similar situations, but it's almost exclusively straight men dealing with straight women. Most of them say "She's just shy!" "Man up and deal with it!" and honestly I just feel really bad for straight guys because this feels completely unfair. I know I shouldn't take it personally and whatnot, but when my girlfriend complains that there isn't enough excitement in our relationship I can't help it.

    TL;DR (I don't blame you honestly lol)

    I feel like although our relationship isn't one-sided, it's definitely not equal when I'm the one taking her out all the time and I'm the one who initiates the more physical aspects of our relationship. I don't feel very appreciated or sexy at this point, and I feel like I'm the "man" of our relationship. I can't imagine being without my girlfriend, but I just don't know how to handle this. Are we just different people/should I just suck it all up and deal with it?
     
  2. Lora

    Regular Member

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    How long have you been in a relationship? I always believe in open communication. You better tell her how you feel and your expectations. You have to know hers as well.
     
  3. Civiel

    Regular Member

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    Communicating is key. Absolutely. Tell her all this, you really really should. Just try to have open conversations about how you feel. I don't know how much you guys talk about feelings and "deeper" stuff, but it's very important that you try to tell her when something is bothering you, which this clearly is. Good luck!