I'm a 23yo female bisexual and I think I'm finally ready to date... I've hated myself for a long time and I recently have been going to therapy and it's certainly helping me gain perspective on my life and who I am. I know what I want for the most part, but it takes me forever to catch feelings for anyone. So I've never been in a physical relationship rlly. I had an online bf (it lasted 5 months). That was 8 years ago and I've only kissed one person once in my life (whom I ended up falling in love with and getting hurt due to not being respected by the person). I'm still working on getting over what transpired and it's been 3 years. So, there is a part of me that's terrified of being hurt again because I have a huge insecurity.. I believe that I don't deserve a romantic relationship/love. And to add to that, it takes me a while and getting to know someone to feel comfortable enough to open up and share feelings with anyone. I'm very guarded cuz I fall in love fast I've tried the apps but they just don't work for me and I honestly hate how superficial they are. I don't get out much because I don't desire to do anything "fun" like smoke, drink, party, etc., I can't eat out because I have a sensitive stomach, and I have social anxiety so the only comfortable way for me to meet anyone is to like, meet them at work or something. It's just a struggle another thing - I'm attractive, and I think people who don't know me (most people) would assume I've got someone and don't even approach me. I am a bubbly person because a lot of the time I'm genuinely happy and like to have a laugh with people, so that might also be hindering things.. idk.. ig I just needed to rant about this cuz I'm lonely and frustrated
Hey I wanted to respond because I can relate to this a lot. I'm 24 and a guy, but some of what you've written I could have written myself. I use one app, while trying not to take it too seriously because it's full of people who only want one thing. Which is fine but not for me. I've been called attractive too, not that I should say I am or I'm not myself, but what some people don't realise is that perception comes with its own issues. I obsess over my appearance which I often find problems with, and I've been used more than once when all I wanted was a genuine emotional connection with someone. Also, being called attractive makes me feel under pressure to keep to that image, or as close to it as possible, when sometimes all I want to do is lie in bed and not take care of myself for days on end. I find apps pretty superficial too, I have made a handful of friends from them but they're incredibly inconsistent and I've never been on an official date with anyone from an app. I don't do fun things too, I have social anxiety too, my idea of a fun time is watching shows on BBC iPlayer or youtube shows or adding music to my phone or something. None of those are super social activities. And I fall in love fast myself, I'm kind of in the process of it now with someone noncommittal who seems to want a friends with benefits relationship but nothing else. I've been with a few guys, but honestly most of the time I've felt uncomfortable and used so I can tell you that in my opinion, quality matters much more than quantity and you're not missing much. Therapy can be amazingly helpful, unfortunately for me it's often unaffordable so I have to look for whatever I can find, sometimes with long gaps in between, but talking to a professional is always the best first step to take when you're struggling like you are. I'd like to apologise for replying with my points in the wrong order, but I do hope you don't feel so alone knowing me and a lot of others like me out here share your pain. Please keep posting if you need to.
Thanks for the response Cinnamoon. I definitely feel less alone. I'm sorry to hear about your current situation because that doesn't sound like fun, assuming you're looking for something more than what he's willing to offer you. I now know what it is to be used rather than equally showing up for one another. I suppose you're right about quality over quantity, although I often feel "behind" or naive/inexperienced. I also feel like if I'm not presenting my best (showered every day, makeup and hair done, etc.,) then I'll miss out on something great. I think that's social media's fault tho, because every couple you see are beautiful and "always happy" when that's honestly only what they want you to see. Not to say they aren't happy but it's just rare to truly see into people's lives without a filter. There have been many times throughout my life when someone will joke about me looking like I've been partying the night before or "with someone" or something of that nature and I always jokingly deny it because it's not true, but it really bothers me to see that ig people don't know me enough? to know I don't do that sort of thing or feel confident enough to do so. I've turned down a handful of guys in my past. I wasn't interested in any of them.. and I also thought I was a lesbian for the past 7 years until 2 weeks ago. I was working one night and was watching my male co-worker talk to someone and I thought to myself "He's hot" and then started thinking that I might actually have feelings for guys too. I like women more physically, but it's totally possible that I could date a guy. Anyways, I guess I have a crush on him. He has a girlfriend and 2 kids (don't know if they're hers) so I don't feel right expressing that to him. I'm trying not to look at him as much and stay away from him a bit in order to protect myself. But that's hard to do because I rlly like working with him and hearing him go off on his tangents and he's unpredictable and loud and it's just exciting, and I don't wanna ruin that and do the whole "hurry and find things to dislike about him so my feelings will go away" but that's just not healthy and will only hurt my mental health. So ig I have to talk to my therapist abt this too.. This is what happened last time. I gained feelings for someone in a relationship. And I'm not okay with that because if I was on the other side, idk how I'd feel I guess. You could make the argument that there's no harm in making feelings known and that if their relationship is strong then there'll be no harm done. I'm just scared of the ridicule. I want to work on my communication, but maybe not with this.. it's just hard to get around.
I'm gonna say something else here because I'm feelin pretty good rn and have made a revelation, as I have now done many times this year, and that is a truly wonderful feeling. I am special. I deserve love. I deserve to be loved on my terms. I deserve respect. Those who do not respect me do not hold a place in my future. I am not perfect. I have made it a long way in my development, and also have a whole lifetime of development to go. Life is evolving. The future is bright if I allow it to be. Darkness is created within the mind over insignificance. I have many choices in my life. I can achieve my goals. This dude is not my future, he is merely a stepping stone in my development. He is not someone I want to be with. He does not fit into my future. I choose me. I choose to be the change I want to see in the world. I will not let my inexperience weigh me down because that is not all that I am. I have much to offer and I need to explore that in order to give back to this world and the people in it. Give me time and I will thrive. Thanks for coming to my Tedtalk haha
I'm glad you're working on learning to love and accept yourself more in spite of any setbacks; it takes a lot to get to that point and moreover, to maintain that outlook. It's okay if you occasionally backslide--we all do--but it sounds to me like you know your worth and because you do, you'll have an easier time finding your way back to those affirmations above. I likewise know how hard it is to make friends, especially when you're shy and don't really find enjoyment in some of the status quo's ideas of fun. But I don't think you have to look for people in those kinds of social settings, because they likely wouldn't mesh with you anyway. That isn't to say you have to share everything in common with someone, but there should be some common ground, and it's often easier to find that in places, events, etc. that foster your interests. Are there any hobbyist places, coffee shops, bookstores or whatever you like to frequent when you do go out? Maybe you can check to see if there's a special event being held in your area for something you enjoy. I know crowds are probably a tough go (I get it; I don't even like grocery shopping for that reason), but maybe you can find some likeminded people in one such venue. You could also look into local support groups, particularly for LGBT people; even if you only talk via a zoom meeting or in small groups, it could be a good starting point.
I should look into it more. I live in a pretty small town and the nearest "city" is 3 hrs away, but it's possibly worth at least looking into because I only know of one small LGBT+ group close to me... Thank you for the suggestion!
Just wanted to say I'm loving your TED talk =P I haven't had much energy to focus on anyone but myself the last few days but I'm happy you're feeling a bit better. I struggle with how I look too, in different ways maybe. I feel like I don't look like a lot of other guys. I know people who feel like me too, and with depression it can be hard to work up the energy for self care which sounds similar to what you've gone through sometimes. But there are definitely people out here who understand and it's so positive to see you speaking about yourself in such an empowering way
Thank you, thank you very much For the self-care thing, I often struggle to keep a routine going, so I prioritize what NEEDS to be done and then the rest is for days where I'm well rested and am not working out or processing mental barriers. I sort of have a list of importance. Like, washing my face isn't as important as doing my laundry or washing my body and so I can go a couple of days with just a face towel pat or whatever lol. It's okay not to look your best sometimes because you're still working on yourself, just mentally rather than physically at that time... you know? How do you struggle with the way you look? Ik you said that people tell you you're attractive but how do you feel about that, if that's not too much to ask of course.
You're welcome, hope I helped a bit somehow! I struggle with that too, especially because of my antisocial and part-time hours. A lot of overtime is available at my job, but it's usually also at pretty unsociable times which doesn't always work for me. I'm kinda the same though. Right now I shower every other day, I tell myself I'm being environmentally friendly haha but really I don't have the mental energy to shower daily all the time. The environmental benefits are just a happy accident. My hair is kind of crazy too, but at least I've stopped cutting it myself now =P But even working up the courage to let another person deal with my hair and just to live with the result took years and years of mental practice. I just feel like I look weird. The guy I like told me I didn't recently which made me happy, but I see the stereotypical young guy and compare myself to them and in my mind I just don't measure up. I'm relatively short, very skinny and petite, with messy mop-style hair, while most guys I see have short back and sides with maybe a perm or something, they're tall, deep voices, confident. I feel like an outcast in how I act, and I feel like an outcast in how I look a lot of the time too. A guy I was into earlier this year had a similar look to me, although they were taller, they had longer hair and glasses and were adorable in a geeky sort of way. So I know "alternative" looks can work. I guess my low self esteem just tells me mine doesn't work for me and I look stupid even when people tell me I don't. Sorry for talking about myself so much on your thread by the way. I hope at least me giving my perspective helps you. Tbh I'm so happy we ran into each other here recently, it's nice having someone to chat to on here who feels so similar to the way I do sometimes, even if our life experiences aren't exactly the same like you said.
