This is mainly a vent. I feel like an abomination, again. I haven't felt like this in a while, I've actually been a lot more confident lately. But my physical aspect is getting to me. I look nothing like a man, and I'm tired. I feel like I'm just trying to convince people to refer to me as male, even though they never will see me as such. Even though they're respectful, I can't shake the feeling that they're just pretending for my sake. I feel like giving up this charade until I'm on T and I can just live as myself without worrying about every little thing that might out me.
First off, you're not an abomination! You're a valid person with valid feelings that are demonstrable; our experiences are validated by science and medicine. I know you only feel that way, but don't let yourself think that way. Negative self-talk can be very destructive, and it's not good even when it isn't. I do not know how things are in Romania, as I live in the US, however I know the feeling you have. I know the feeling that certain people are just going along to give you the impression they're progressive and they accept new people and ideas. However, that is no reason to give up on yourself. How to deal with dysphoria, though, is the main question. It's a difficult one, one I struggle with, and one to which there is no clear easy answer. The answer is as individual as the person; what would make you feel more like the man you are? For me, simple things like shaving my legs and wearing gender-affirming undergarments help, but I also know I won't be fully satisfied until I've had the treatments, and that leaves me feeling very emotionally tired. I take comfort in knowing I have friends and a connections, many of whom I've made here, who care about me and accept me and want me to live my best life! And I'm absolutely one of those people for you now; I care about you and accept you and want you to live your best life! I hope you're feeling better as this finds you, but I send you big hugs and I wish you all the best! ^_^
Thanks a lot for the kind words, I really appreciate it. I feel slightly better today but the general feeling is still there. I think the biggest issue is not having accepted myself yet, rather than feeling like I don't receive that acceptance from those around me. I've accepted that T is something that I want/need. And I have people around me who truly care and support me, even though my mind sometimes tells me not to believe them. But looking at myself, I feel like a fraud. I don't feel that crippling dysphoria anymore, the one that made me not be able to leave my home. I've tried everything I could without T, and now it feels like there's nowhere else to go. But this feeling of uneasiness is permanently with me. Every gender affirming thing that I've tried, I've fully incorporated into my life to the point where I can't live without it. And every time I feel like shit the only thing that makes me feel better is imagining how amazing the relief I'll feel will be once I get my first T shot. I feel this. But as much as I long for it, part of me is scared that I'll never be satisfied with my transition anyway. I think this is the first time I recognize this within myself. I'll never be a cis man, I'm fully aware of that, but I'm not sure I'll ever be 'man enough' for myself either. And I'm wondering if pursuing this is even worth it at this point. It feels like I was cursed and no matter what I do, I'll never be fully free of it. Hm.. first thing that comes to mind is working out, lmfao. But that's a double edged sword - it can either sadden me that I don't have the strength of your average 21 yo, or hype me up (there's times that the outcome is a combination of the two, and it's kinda funny ngl). Another one for me is shaving my face, so maybe I'll try that. Could help out tonight. I often forget that I can actually do things to change my perception of myself, even for a short period of time. But I think I need to broaden that list a bit, just these two options aren't always available (so if any trans guys or transmasc peeps see this, please shoot your suggestions, I would greatly appreciate that (apart from binding and packing, that's already a must in my life)) Thanks again for the reply
I'm glad you feel a bit better, and you're very welcome for the reply, I'm glad to talk with you about this! ^_^ I know how you feel about never being fully your own gender. The fact that I'm a transwoman lives with me; I know my chromosomes will always reflect a male sex, and I've got to make peace with that. In a lot of ways I have, and in a lot of ways I'm glad to be unique, but it carries a pain with it that only we will ever understand. I also know finding my way to a body I'm satisfied with is going to be a study in compromises, but it's still going to make me happier, and happier is better than this misery. The rest of my satisfaction is going to have to come the way it does for everyone, that being through my life and my family and my choices, but at least my soul won't be crying out in agony because I can't be true to myself. I'm much happier even now, just being able to act and react the way I naturally would to be people and situations and to show affection in the ways I'm most comfortable with. In truth, we start further from the summit than others, but being trans is not very different from being any other kind of human. We're all just trying to find our way to "better." Anyway, I hope you feel even better whenever you read this! Also, I'm sending a video of a sleepy kitten, because cute things release many of the same chemicals in the brain as a hug! Stay safe and stay strong!
Hey redstatic, fellow trans man here, read this a few days ago and wasn't sure what to say yet. I know how you feel though- from the aspect of dysphoria, a religious upbringing, and my own family's intolerance and bullying. It hit close to home somewhat, so I had to take a step back there. I apologize for that. Shaving your face could really help you pass more- men typically don't have that peach fuzz after a certain age. A shorter or masculine hairstyle could help too, but you'll want to consider your face shape before picking one for certain. Not shaving body hair that's not on your face would help. You could also do voice training to help you sound more masculine, but please proceed with caution if you do (damage is possible). If you work out focus more on your upper body. Wear men's fitted clothing too- it seriously makes all the difference! These are all just suggestions, I wish I could do them myself but I no longer can sadly- so I hope my information or suggestions are helpful to you.
I'm glad you're trying to be positive about it. Even though optimism is something I preach, sometimes it's difficult to do that with my own situation. These days have been particularly rough. First it was the feeling of never being enough, now I feel incredibly frustrated that I'm not on T yet, and I feel like blaming my past self for it (even though he was doing his best and through his small steps I've managed to be able to partly accept the road that I feel best defines me). Now I feel very impatient that I can't be on T right this moment, I need to go through a lot of steps, even though the hard part is over (steps including: being able to afford it, psych evaluation, endo exams) So I suppose, my question is: how do you deal with it, or how have you dealt with it in the past? It, meaning frustration or impatience reaching your satisfactory body. I feel like I'm losing years off my life lmfao.
I think the best way of dealing with it is twofold; forgive yourself for anything you may have done in the past that affects your present course, and don't forget that the future is still ahead of you. Don't belittle or deride yourself for past mistakes. I cannot stress this enough; pushing yourself around for things you've done never helps. It doesn't make changing easier and it doesn't help you to feel better. It's just destructive. Letting go of that impulse is very difficult, but it is possible. When you start getting anxious with yourself for not being further along, remind yourself you're a different person than the one who made those errors, you've learned lessons from them, and you're doing your best. Simple to say, not so simple to do. Most important, eyes to the future, not the here-and-now. We must - in many aspects of life - live in the moment, but when we are alone and feeling our emotions, keep paramount in your mind that this is only temporary, that the image in the mirror is not who you are, and that the process of uncovering that person is gradual, but not impossible. I won't sugar-coat the truth and say it's right around the corner and then you'll never have to worry about it again. If it were easy, it would already be done, but it's a process. However, you've already started down that road. You're already taking the steps you can take right now to get to a healthier, happier place. I know that's not world-changing advice, but I also know I'm not the only voice here and I'm not the only one who cares. My journey has its own travails and pitfalls and what works for me might not be useful to you. There are plenty of others here in the same boat as you, however, trying to find their way to the man they've always been. Listen to them, talk with them, share your heart and journey, and I know you'll find something to help you. I believe in you, and I'm rooting for you every step! Don't give up, and don't forget that better is possible and you will have it soon! Sending big hugs!
