Feeling like a family member doesn’t believe i’m a lesbian..

Hey everyone,

I just wanted to vent and possibly get some advice. I have been fully out to everybody as a lesbian for a few years now and I am now getting the feeling my Mum doesn’t believe me anymore because I present myself in a very feminine way. She doesn’t have an issue with LGBTQ+ people in the slightest but I get the feeling of her not believing me after an incident that occurred yesterday when I was texting a male friend and I didn’t want to tell her what I was talking to him about because it was about his health (I didn’t mention that). When I wouldn’t tell her she said “ooo you’re getting defensive and must have something to hide then” and grinned. I have a girlfriend who I am very serious with… people may think my mum was just playing which she could’ve been but that wasn’t the vibe I got. I genuinely feel like she doesn’t believe me anymore because of how I dress and present myself by wearing make-up, styling my hair and wearing jewellery/other stuff. I believe this because before I came out I was recovering from a psych hospital admission because recurring mental health issues and although I was dressing in a feminine way and wearing a bit of make-up, I didn’t care as much about how I looked because I wasn’t well and my Mum said “oh I already knew because of how you present yourself” and now I am dressing how I want to and feeling better about myself it feels as if she just thinks I made the whole thing up or was just going through a phase which is not true in the slightest. I love my girlfriend and have never been interested in men romantically or sexually in my life and never will be. I can’t speak to her about this because she will probably get angry but it has really hurt me. I already get random people not believing i’m a lesbian and now I feel like my mum doesn’t either. I shouldn’t have to feel this way, it’s not fair. It took me years to finally accept myself. I am scared she is talking about it to family members and it devastates me. There is no one way for a lesbian to look and it isn’t fair to stereotype us and invalidate femme’s or any other type of lesbian (not that there has to be a type- if I was to choose a type of lesbian to relate to, it would be femme). I am so hurt.

 

Thank you for your reply!

You are completely right that I don’t have to share my text history with her. She seems to have boundary issues with a lot of things. I have many friends of both sexes and so does she. I do not assume anything when she is talking to her female friends nor her male friends. I’m not sure if she has friends of any other gender identities. I think she just has issues seeing my friendships with males as platonic because she isn’t like it with anybody else.

I don’t think I can speak to her about it because she doesn’t take it well when I tell her she has upset me so I just gave up with that. She gets very defensive and turns it around so she is the victim. I have been seeking validation about it from other people but I need it from her. We get on mostly but this is really bothering me. I don’t think I can speak to her about it though.

 

Thank you for your reply!

You are completely correct that it’s absurd and in saying that even a lot of hetero women don’t dress up all the time. People don’t usually assume their sexuality or try and label them. I am just really trying but I don’t even think I should have to prove myself but I feel as if I need to. I have been seeking validation from other people about it which is ridiculous but I need it from her. Yes they can be very extra! I let most things slide but this is difficult for me to ignore and I am thinking about it a lot. I want to speak to her but I know it will end in an argument.

 

Thanks for your reply!

I really want to have a chat with her about it because it’s really bothering me but I know it wouldn’t go well. I am just at a loss.

 

I’m not sure but I think I know what you are talking about. I completely agree with everything you are saying, I don’t think she sees it as important and she probably doesn’t even realise how upset I am about it. I spoke to my brother about it last night and he was very supportive about it. I was wondering that myself but although I do get homophobic treatment occasionally it’s actually much easier being able to be myself rather than a lie doomed to being unhappy for the rest of my life.

 

Thank you Beth! I completely agree that it’s overstepping a boundary. I wouldn’t be surprised if she does think it’s a phase but I don’t think she hopes it is, she is very accepting and has always been very supportive other than this incident.

You are completely right that gay women (or anyone for that matter!) should be able to dress however they please and not have to conform to stereotypes. It’s 2023!

We want to move into our own flat as soon as possible but we need to save up first. Thank you for your comment x