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feeling like a disappointment

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by starmotive, Nov 15, 2017.

  1. starmotive

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    Is there anyone else who feels like a disappointment to their family, for not living up to what they expect of you? And feel like coming out to them would just be another reason for them to be disappointed in you, something else for them to hold over your head? How did you deal with it? I'm feeling really depressed with not being able to live up to their standards unrelated to being gay already, but the fact that I like girls just makes me feel even worse about myself.
     
  2. Truna

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    Oh god, this is far too relatable. I came out to my traditional Asian parents exactly a month and 9 days ago, and I feel like I've disappointed them just by being who I am. It's the most painful feeling in the world.

    Honestly, what's helped me forget about it is reminding myself that my life will continue beyond family. Parents can't control what I do, say, or think, and even though they're currently a constant presence in my life because I'm a student, I will leave my house one day. No matter how disappointed they are in what I've accomplished and what my orientation is, it doesn't matter - they can't control me. Their opinions will not dictate my success because I'll be the one controlling my life.
     
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  3. Twist

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    My father made it very clear to me from an early age that I was a massive disappointment to him, and an embarrassment to him. Hell, I have a twin sister, and he often introduced me to strangers as his "other daughter" with a sneer in his tone. And that was just a small taste of his behavior.

    You need to realize that you can love your parents without setting yourself to their standards. Your life is YOUR life to do with as you wish and feel fit.... their lives are theirs to do with as THEY wish. They don't get to choose how you live your life, and once you're of the age of majority, they no longer have say over how you live or what you do.

    Perhaps you need to consider why you feel it's so important to conform to what they want from you?
     
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  4. hoodlum12

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    I can relate to all of this I think. I think I already gave up trying to live up to their expectations and now I'm doing everything for me and my sister (she is basically only person who keeps me sane) but like it still hurts when your mum calls you worthless all the time.. I'm 17 and in Poland you're treated as an adult at 18 so I'm getting the heck out of here as soon as I'm 18. And also I think I will come out to my parents when I'll have sort of stable life and a job and won't be dependent on them. That way if their reaction to me being bi will be bad I'll have my own life and they don't have to be in it if they don't want to. I know it means probably a little but as people above said : this is your life and you're your own person and you don't have to live to no ones expectations other than your own gal!
     
  5. shyguyww

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    I didn't tell my parents until I was 24 for the same reason. I didn't want to feel like a disappointed them. But at 24 I was tired of it all. I realized the only person I needed to not disappoint was myself. You need to put yourself in top of your list, everyday. Make yourself happy. Whoever feels disappointed because of your sexual preference can move on, and that includes your parents. Do you want to make them happy and yourself unhappy for the rest of your life? I know I didn't want to continue on that path.
     
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  6. starmotive

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    Wow this hit home a lot harder than I expected. I haven't come out to my Asian parents because I know they won't be accepting. They're not overly traditional, but they're stuck in their ways and aren't open to change.

    I've already disappointed them so much in other aspects of my life (career, school, personal life unrelated to my liking girls, etc.) and even though I know that one day I'll be able to move out and live my own life, I don't feel like it'll ever get any better and it constantly brings my mood down everyday.
     
  7. starmotive

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    I hear you, I think I feel like I need to live up to what they want from me because I've always felt like the redemption kid. I grew up wanting to be better, and to me better was whatever they wanted for me, because your parents are always right, right? It's a really hard mindset to get rid of, it's hard to change the way you live when all you've known is listening to your parents. And being dependent on my parents, it makes me more scared to act outside of their expectations.
     
  8. starmotive

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    I can't wait to have someone to share my life with!
     
  9. starmotive

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    This hit really close to home. I really needed to hear this. Thank you
     
  10. Jackie Ray

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    I saw this post and it moved me in both good and bad ways. He actually called you his other daughter? I could not imagine how that made you feel and I thought my dad was bad. My father enjoyed humiliating me too and he also liked beating me but at least he never did it around other people or strangers. Its always sad to hear about another persons suffering. You must be an amazing person if you still love him. I think partially they arent to blame because our society teaches boys from a young age to be cruel and violent and also to despise feminine and homosexual behaviors.


    @starmotive my family is disappointed in me too, but I found a new family that loves me for who I am, if you love your family try to connect with them and reconcile, but if they wont accept you, it may be time to find a new support group. like I did, either way you go, there are people that have done it before you and its okay to ask for help.
     
    #10 Jackie Ray, Nov 18, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 18, 2017
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  11. starmotive

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    I do love my family. They aren't awful people, but they aren't open minded and they're very set in their ways. There isn't anything to reconcile yet since I haven't come out to them. For the time being they're just disappointed with my other life choices, but it doesn't make for a very conducive environment to talk to them about my sexuality. Thankfully I have amazing friends who have been by my side but I hate asking for help. I constantly feel like I'm a burden and that I'm bothering them. I feel like people interact with me solely because they feel obligated to and it really sucks.

    @Twist oh my god i didn't look at your profile. I have no words. I can't believe he called you his other daughter that's awful.
     
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  12. SeulgiBunny

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    I feel that not only from my family but about many people, it is dissapointing think that all girls like guys, very dissapointing; sweet angels are not only always from guys. About your family, understand them, they are from another age; it is hard but if they really love you, someday they will accept you as the way u are :slight_smile: .
     
  13. mbanema

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    Yeah, honestly that's the biggest reason I'm not out to my parents, well that and just we never really have any kind of personal conversations. I actually think I have a good relationship with both parents and that actually makes it more difficult for me because I'd hate to be seen as a disappointment. I know my parents would still love me, but seeing my mom cry or either of them be dejected because of me would be pretty difficult to take. I'd answer honestly if they asked in a way that's not like "You're not gay, are you?", but at this point I don't think I'll ever be able to push myself to initiate that conversation. There's one person I would come out for, but I don't expect that I'll feel that way about anyone else.
     
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  14. Jackie Ray

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    You are a human being not a burden, even if you dont come out to your family you need to make it right with them. Whatever else you have or have not done that you feel is disappointing them, its time to have that conversation. You dont ever need to come out to them, I know that even if I were straight, I would feel awkward discussing sexuality with my mother.

    The most important thing is that you are out to yourself, too many of our brothers and sisters cannot accept themselves and end up taking their own lives. If you need help ask anybody, ask a homeless person, a plumber, a police officer, or a waitress anybody. I truly and honestly believe that talking to a stranger can help you get things off of your chest in a pressure free environment and you know what? Most people are good and are willing to comfort those in need even a gay stranger. If you need to talk, talk , talk to anybody, talk to a stray cat even, but just talk. cry if you need to, but dont bottle it up.
     
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  15. starmotive

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    I am out to myself and my close friends. I don't mind if other friends find out, but I don't feel it's necessary to tell them directly. My mom has explicitly told me that I am 'ruining her life' when talking about other ways I'm disappointing her. I don't ever want my parents to find out that I'm gay, there's already too much pressure to live up to their expectations.

    I have been talking to people, but as I mentioned before, I feel like I'm taking up their time, shoving my problems on them when they have their own lives to live.
     
  16. Jackie Ray

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    Your not a burden, people arent. Im sorry but thinking about all of the sadness in the world, Im honestly crying right now, this is so hard to take.
     
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  17. Twist

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    That dependency is a hard issue to get past in this topic. I understand what you're saying, tho. My father was a first generation immigrant from South Korea, and very traditional. He did a lot of things that would be considered abuse... physical, mental, emotional, etc. I legally emancipated at 16 to get away from his influences, and it helped immensely. Independence will help with your mindset, when you are able to get out from under their own roof, as will keeping in mind what I said before.... you don't need to fulfill their expectations to love them.

    My father also didn't inflict physical violence in front of others, although he made sure to let everyone know it was okay to humiliate me as they liked.

    It took me a long time to accept that he wasn't really a cruel man. I doubt he took any pleasure in it all. He was trying to do his best to "make me" become straight, because he'd lived his entire life under the strong belief that gay relations were wrong. He was trying to set me on what he believed was the "right path", probably the only way he knew how.
     
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  18. Jackie Ray

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    @Twist You're father seems to have some of the same ideas as my mother, who believe that gays should be forced into conversion therapy for their own good. My mother is a very good person but she has some odd ideas of right and wrong. It especially sad when otherwise good people do terrible thing because of their outdated belief systems.

    My father is a cruel reprobate, who just enjoyed beating me. He was drug addict, alcoholic, and criminal when my mother met him and brought him into the church. Throughout my childhood he had multiple relapses and spent alot of time unemployed. He never put his hands on my brothers or mother and thats the only reason I dont completely hate him. I think I inherited my substance abuse issues from him.
     
    #18 Jackie Ray, Nov 19, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 19, 2017
  19. Mare

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    Everyone has said things I needed to hear too. You are not alone and loving yourself is the hardest and most important job you'll ever have. Parents are people too and people have their own ways of thinking and doing and judging. Everyone and everything is not for you and that's ok. Find who and what makes you happy and love on yourself, even if you have to fake it at first. I'm trying every day
     
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  20. Suomi

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    Fuck this thread I swear to god. What the fuck do you do? Damned if you do or don't.

    Why the fuck do you have to be closeted to your family?

    Then if you're open, it's a big ass question mark. Ugh.

    I envy straight people so fucking much.
     
    #20 Suomi, Nov 20, 2017
    Last edited: Nov 20, 2017