Feeling insecure and hating the heteronormative culture.

For whatever reason I feel like if I don't cling hard onto my identity, then I'm gonna turn straight forever. Of course one does not randomly change their identity. Despite knowing this, I feel so insecure about my bisexuality all the time. It usually the worst before period. I keep telling myself, "Are you sure you're not lying to yourself? Can't you forget about that LGBT stuff and persue that straight portion of yours?" I feel so fake sometimes that I wish someone would slap me.

I could forget about everything and celebrate the mainstream, heteronormative culture in S. Korea. But I hate almost everything in it. Especially the beauty standards, conservatism, gender norms, and conformist mindset. On a celebrity gossip show it was airing "Stars that are wildly successful but are not married well into their 30s! Shocking!". It was repulsive. Ugh, why can't people leave them alone.

It's not like I absolutly love queer culture in here either. People say that being gay here is like a game of who gives in to the society the last. Many end up marrying someone of the opposite sex just to please their parents and blend in. If I'm going to be forced into marriage whether I like it or not, why bother exploring outside the boundaries? I see the heteronormative culture as an empty shell that kills everyone in it, even the straights.

TLDR: I am confused because I feel insecure about my queer identity, but to forget about everything and endulge in a heteronormative, mainstream culture seems stupid.

I may be in denial of being bi. OR perhaps I'm a confused straight weirdo that insist being a hermit. What is wrong with me?

 

I reread this and realized that I sound paranoid here...I mean of course not everything in a culture is about sexuality. The insecurity and feeling vulnerable always seems to be there, whether it's high or low.