I'm really uncomfortable around people I like. I can talk with someone who doesn't attract me with no problem and some people would even think that I'm flirting with them which I'm not because when I like someone I completely shut down. I get anxious and doesn't know what to say and I panic. There was this beautiful butch lesbian who was looking at me in a bar and I looked at her and damn she was sooo nice. And then the second time I went pass her she was really looking at me and I should have looked her back so that she could see I LIKE HER TOO but I'm a dumb ass and I looked away because I can't look at her because everyone will know!!!!! I could at least give her a smile or something... why is that so hard for me? I feel like looking at a girl makes me bad and that people will think I'm dirty. ARGH I wish I would be more confident. I think I'm internalised homophobe. No one cares and no one would care if I looked at her but I still felt guilty. I hate that feeling. I know it doesn't have a point but I can't help it. It's just something I internalised while growing up. How did you go pass your guilt and shame? Was it something you worked on it or it just came one day to you that you don't feel it any more?
I've had similar issues and in my search for a solution I found the usual advice; control, confidence, acceptance, perspective, and so on... I just couldn't get any of that to work for me. Out of frustration I decided to just stop thinking about it. Well, that didn't work either because I'm too much of a control freak to just stop anything, so one day at a party I just deleted myself from the conversations. It was very weird at first, I thought everyone was going to think I had lost my mind. Instead I suddenly became aware of something truly amazing. Most people delete themselves in social situations, they just wouldn't quite put it that way. The word of the day for this is mindfulness. It means to be present in the moment. If you think about it, the only time you are you is when you are alone. When you are with others and you are being mindful, you automatically stop being you and become part of that social event. To be part of the moment with others you have to get yourself out of your own head. This is really difficult for those of us who rely on ourselves too much and therefore tend to avoid situations where we stop being ourselves. As a result we never take the time to develop social skills. And like all skills it takes practice to socialize well and that is where your problem lies. How do you go to bat when you aren't skilled at it and everyone is noticing you and you just know you are bound to fail and look like a fool? It's a very real problem. The answer is to not try to be social until you become good at it. That sounds like a contradiction but fortunately there is a way. Everyone's favorite topic of conversation is themselves so use this to your advantage. In that situation with that girl, it's a mistake to smile and show her you like her. Your fear you aren't good at it is justified! Just talk to her instead. As much as you can. For example, start by asking her what she does for a living, or if she is a student, ask her what she is studying and take it from there. Keep the focus of the conversation on her. If she brings the conversation back to you then get it back on her again as soon as you can. Remember, you aren't good with yourself as the subject so don't even try it, at least not at first. One trick you might try that I use a lot, and I'm amazed at how often it works, when you ask what they do for a living, no matter what they say you say, "That sounds hard." People believe their jobs are a lot harder than most people realize and acknowledging this can really get them to start talking. And the more you talk the quicker you become friends. Good luck, I hope this helps in some small way.
I can relate to that. I had become friends through social media with this woman that I really am attracted to. For a long time I was not able to utter anything as I lost all knowledge of socializing and my thoughts left me plus my mouth went dry. So for a while, I started asking questions about her through chatting online and she responded well to that. Then when I was a bit more comfortable, we actually had a conversation! I still find it difficult to carry a conversation with her, but at least I know now that it is possible to do so and she did not reject me.
