Feeling from hopeful to miserable

(Long post ahead)

So I've always been different. Barely related to girls, took pride when people couldn't tell if I'm a boy or a girl, loved and felt immensely comfortable in androgyny.

I remember vaguely how during puberty I thought that I wish I didn't have boobs. I felt weird when I was aware of how my body felt soft. Just straight up cried when I got my first period, I didn't want this. Why? I didn't know.

During late teens I haven't thought about my gender: I studied, had other thing on my mind, and just knew that I wasn't a typical girl. I had short periods when I tried wearing more feminine clothes, and it felt kind of ok, but only for a very short period of time; it just wasn't me. I guess I just liked how that looked, but not on me. I wouldn't say that I'm a heavy tomboy, but I do enjoy lot of gender neutral or more masculine-leaning clothing. That feels very good, but one thing which felt off (I've realised this just now while typing) is how clothing I like, which matches my persona, looks on my body. I don't want people to see this body I have now, as stupid as it sounds.

For couple of last years I've been in and out of depressive episodes, which were usually caused by different things. And now, at the age of 21, I guess it's starting to become more and more uncomfortable for me to present myself to this world as a "girl". I've always been like "well, fine", and of course didn't object to that because, well, people saw me as a girl, even though not overly feminine. And I kind of got used to that; I'm still referred to as "she/her". And for some reason when I refer to myself as "he/him" it feels weird: in a way that I wish it felt good, but instead makes me feel like a fraud or a delusional person who just can't accept their damn physical shell.

How can I claim or say that I may actually be a guy when I've lived my life as a female? Well, ok, I wouldn't even call it like that, because I've not really felt like that much. But I haven't lived as a guy either.

I just wish I was born a guy, that's it. But I'm terrified of transitioning in terms of hormonal therapy and surgeries; I feel that it would be good (I can't go out anymore with my chest not flat), but what if it's not? What are health effects of testosterone on my body? Is there a point to do mastectomy if I can bind? I don't like my boobs, but I'm afraid of surgery itself (That's such a red flag and is terrible by itself, but every time I'm at mammalogist I secretly wish something is found there so I could have a legitimate reason to do a mastectomy. And I've just realised that I've always been very uncomfortable with going to doctors who check female stuff, and it was something different than just being shy to dress down. It was always like "ugh I have this ""girl's body"" so I have to check it from time to time, whatever". It's like an affirmation that yes, I'm a girl and nothing else see).

I feel so happy when I think people could perceive me as a boy, but objectively speaking, right now in my head that's impossible, I'm not a cis guy. And I'm terrified and repulsed to think that I feel this way. It makes me feel even more not normal. I will have to come out to people? Make myself look like a fool and not be taken seriously? It's like I'm stuck and can't move.

Maybe if I wait, it will pass. Or I can suppress it and just play a role I was given; sometimes I'm fine living as a girl. Sometimes I look in the mirror and think that it's not that awful - I'm an attractive person with a beautiful body that people even envy (not that I take pride in that, it's just to illustrate that objectively speaking my body is ok and any other person would be fine with it ugh), but thinking about how other perceive me as a girl makes me feel so depressed. It's like I've finally pinpointed what has making me feel uncomfortable for a while.

Lately I've increasingly been thinking about what a good-looking guy I would make. I would be a foppish guy (I am a foppish person in general). I see some guys and wish so damn hard I could look like them; I guess I get girls who praise other females for their appearance and want to look like them. I never understood them, but now I do.

So now I know that I'm not what is described as "cis", and am terrified of what to do next. Sometimes I feel inspired and happy to try to present myself as a guy, but next moment I'm scared that I'm wrong and mad in the brain.

Any thoughts/advice/comments are welcome; I guess I just needed to get out of my system and talk it out with someone.