Feeling Discouraged About my Identity

I've always felt like this, and I think its very common. When you start to change any aspect of your life whatsoever you can end up making this goal, saying that this is the true "me" and it's who I'm supposed to be. That goal isn't always attainable, and that can be tough. You'll end up with this thought that "I'm not me", witch can be very unhealthy. The truth is, your just not who you want to be. You are always you, but you can change who that you is.

Another possible explanation is that there's another thing you want to change about yourself. Personally, I've only known I was trans for a few days now, but I have had this feeling so many times trying to change how I act, who I'm friends with, and what people think of me. Gender ended up being a pretty big piece of the puzzle, but there's still plenty more pieces. In fact, I don't think you need to find all the pieces, you can still tell what the puzzle is without it being 100% complete.

Don't look at the empty holes in the puzzle, look at the pieces still left to the side. Try to separate "me" from "who I want to be", because truth is, those two will never realistically be the same, but you can get pretty close.

I'm aware I tend to write with a lot of metaphors and can be a bit cryptic at times, but TLDR, expectations and hopes aren't always realistic, so don't try to get to them exactly, move towards them, and focus on how similar the two are, not the differences.

 

You don't have to be a he or a she to be a person worthy of respect and acceptance, because you already are. Figure out which parts of these things make you happy, if any of them do, then fill in whatever else you want as YOU decide. That is the essence of self-determination and self-actualization, and the main reason I feel most people accept us. We just want to define ourselves and have that respected, like anyone.

I know what you mean about not feeling your true gender identity without treatments, I really do, and I hate to say but I feel that the denial of treatment is absolutely being weaponized against us for that very reason. I don't feel like much of a woman, looking at my 5 o'clock shadow, but when I shave my legs and put on a little mascara, I feel closer to her than I ever have before. I live for that right now, be it ever so humble.

Also, accepting yourself as trans and seeking gender-affirming care only effectively treats the symptoms of dysphoria, it does not eliminate the symptoms of any other mental illnesses or personality disorders. I don't assume that you are, but I know I went through a period where I assumed I would feel better about everything because I finally felt okay being girly and sweet.

I've still been through a lot of other stuff that needs addressing, too, and I imagine you have as well. Most of us have. I don't say that to make your problems seem irrelevant or invalid, because they do matter and you have every right to your feelings on them. There's still going to be mountains to climb, though.

We're never "done" facing the challenges of mortal life; inevitably time will pass, things will change, people will come and go, and eventually we'll have to get off the ride for good. But it feels so damn good to be yourself while you're on that ride, I can't ever imagine going back to the way it was before.

Sending love and big hugs to you, sweetheart, I hope you find your truth soon!