Feeling completely unhinged right now.

When I was a kid, probably around late middle school, early high school, I would get so distressed never knowing exactly why though I assume it was just a way to deal with all the daily social torment I endured and I would rub the tops of my hands until the skin was raw and blistered and left open skin sores on them.

Haven't done that in a long time. Subconciously I think I've started doing something similar by rubbing my finger tips until they're sore to the touch, though not necessarily raw, bleeding and open wounds.

---------- Post added 22nd May 2014 at 10:19 AM ----------

Also, climbing a tree like a bear would, I'd get some nasty scrapes, and similar rubbed raw skin on the inside of my hands and forearms. Convenient way to make excuses if I were ever questioned about it.

Another habit I still deal with from time to time, is picking the skin of my lips until it's jagged, torn and bloody. Which in turn perpetuates itself, because then in order to make them appear/feel 'smooth' I have to keep doing it.

 

More and more, the time between when my wife gets home from work and goes to bed, I can't wait for her to go to bed. Not because of any lack of love for her or anything, but because I'm finding it increasingly difficult to look her in the eye, feeling the way I do and knowing that I can't just come right out and say it. Counting hours until my day ends, day in and day out, and then the weekend arrives.....

 

That moment when depression knocks all the wind out of you, when you MOST need to be left alone someone keeps dogging you trying to find out what's wrong or 'save you'.
Hyperventilating is not fun. This has not been a good day.

:tantrum: :icon_sad: :bang: :icon_redf: :help: :tears: :***:

---------- Post added 22nd May 2014 at 07:05 PM ----------

I think I might've just had and am still coming down from a panic attack.

 

Sorry if I seem to be going off the deep-end, this has been a really really bad day for me, emotionally and psychologically.

 

That moment when you realize you just stepped in dog shit. Barefoot.
:dry:

 

Abbi, Heather, Nina, Rachel, Ashley, Andrea and so on and so on.

I've got this notebook that I used to write in (have since got new ones) and in it are recurring obsessive themes of loneliness, desires to be with a girl, wanting to be accepted, amateurish juvenile writing which (back then) I thought was considered poetry, which now only makes me cringe at the sight of it.

In light of these transgender feelings, I'm wondering if my aim was off and I actually was wanting to be one of them rather than be with them. When I say the themes of that notebook were obsessive, I'm putting it lightly, I was consumed by desires that I passed off as being just a normal boy wanting to be with someone.

It does feel logical, after all I spent most of my younger school days playing with neither the boys or the girls on the playground. I even recall one school yard (in California) that sat at the bottom of a hill below the school itself, where there were wild sunflowers growing on the hillside.

I chose to linger around over there and play with the flowers as far away from the kids as possible. I moved to ******** around 5th grade and was only greeted by one boy in my first class on my first day there, while everyone else flat out ignored me completely.

Over the years, I became his shadow, a friend nonetheless, but I was hiding behind him, behind his kindness, his acceptance, his own unique weirdness. He is still to this day the ONLY person in my life that I trust w/o reservation, more than I can ever say of anyone else, even and especially my family.

 

"I should have been born a girl"
"I wish I'd been born a girl"
"Girl trapped in a guy's body"

These are all the sorts of things prior to me finding this website that I used to sit here for several hours on google searching and reading about, for at least the past year and a half or so (probably longer).

I feel like on some level I've already admitted 'the truth' to myself. Great. Awesome. But now that I've dipped my toe in the water and tried to admit this to others, I'm very much afraid. My friend ^ didn't quite judge me for these feelings but he seemed kinda hesitant to believe it, hell, I was having trouble believing it when I TOLD him about it. I've told my psychologist about it, and as described in previous posts that went about as well as a turd in the poolwater.

The problem is, even if they had both embraced the idea, I'm not a halfway type of person. I'd have to tell everyone close to me (my few close friends and my family), I'd have to go full transition, anything less than that would leave me dissatisfied. I'd have to sacrifice many things, and that means hurting ALOT of people in the process.

I don't know how to reconcile or justify that. I think it's entirely accurate, what I read about transgender people being very selfish, because they have to be in order to get to where they're going on their journey of discovery and realization. There's no way around that.

But can I do that? Do I have the strength of will to risk everything for my own sake?

---------- Post added 23rd May 2014 at 08:38 AM ----------

:roflmao: Welcome to Adia's daily brain dump, stick around long enough and you might just get to witness a meltdown of nuclear proportions........ :roflmao:



---------- Post added 23rd May 2014 at 08:48 AM ----------

A question I've been meaning to ask. I'm going to see my therapist again Monday around noon-ish and wanted to know if anyone might have any recommendations for trans-femme literature? I figured I'd stop at the bookstore while I'm out and about.

 

I'm suddenly contemplating trying to 'talk' to my mother. I don't know how she'd react, but part of me has always been closer to her than anyone else in my family, even after all that I've been through, I still connect with her more than anyone.

Trust is an issue however, as stated above, I only TRULY trust one person in my life. She's given me plenty of reasons to 'feel' like I could talk to her but I don't really know for sure.

I wish there was some kind of tried and true handbook on how to do this.

 

On that previous note, while I'm trying to figure out how and whether or not I talk to my mother about this, anybody have any suggestions on how to gauge her opinions on transgender?

The one benefit of living on my own (with my wife) is the 'parents' angle is kinda a moot point but at the same time still somewhat relevant.

 

I don't know if it was just wishful thinking or not, but my wife and I were sitting and watching music videos for a while earlier this evening, and it seemed to me that she was subtly trying to drop "hints" through her choices of music videos (either through song title or lyrics), as though she knows something somehow.

Probably just wishful thinking, but maybe.........??

---------- Post added 24th May 2014 at 09:59 PM ----------

She even pulled up that Arcade Fire "We Exist" video, and made some comment about how her dad and brother will never look at spiderman the same way if they found out about that actor 'dressing up'

---------- Post added 24th May 2014 at 10:02 PM ----------

I feel like I'm on an inevitable and unavoidable collision course, having admitted to myself what I am (and have been) feeling for so long is real.

---------- Post added 24th May 2014 at 10:27 PM ----------

Coming Out To Your Wife | Coming Out Trans

 

I told my sister about what I'm going through emotionally and mentally.

---------- Post added 25th May 2014 at 10:54 PM ----------

Scared as hell. This is beyond a doubt, now VERY real for me, no matter where I go from here, this is real.

---------- Post added 25th May 2014 at 10:55 PM ----------

Also, I think my wife may suspect something. Or I could just be imagining things. Idk.

 

What's the point....? Feeling how I feel doesn't make me any less unhappy about it. I don't even know what to do with these feelings, so many social and moral obligations, commitments to friends and family. I just want to be me. The mental energy it takes to just be the person everybody thinks I am is beyond exhausting. I'm so damn tired........

(Note: not suicidal, just fucking tired of pretending)

 

Guilt and shame and sorrow and pain, because I don't measure up to the man everyone expects me to be, that I expect me to be. Failure at every turn, I'm a disappointment.

I 'need' to change the world, to leave some great memory of who I am behind after I'm gone, but I can't even bring myself to step one foot outside my door. Too afraid to see the world outside, because there is so much beauty out there, and I am this hideous, disgusting creature, that would taint it all by being a part of it.

I can't love myself, because I don't deserve Love. Completely unworthy of even the air that I breathe so casually. I am a mistake, my existence is a fucking mistake. All this pain that I feel every day, this is the only reward that I truly deserve in Life. When I say I'm not suicidal, what I mean is that even Death would be too generous a gift. Peaceful, endless sleep, I am not worthy.

 

I have known endless pain and sorrow, my whole life because the beauty that exists within me, the feminine beauty, the creative, loving, compassionate heart within me has been trapped inside this masculine, violent, destructive, 'man'. I want out, so that I may dance and sing and smile and laugh and by dancing and singing and smiling and laughing you may see my soul, my heart, my love for the world. But so long as I'm trapped, The Destroyer will never allow me to live in peace, to create something beautiful. made of only love and joy. So long as I'm trapped, I will never be whole.

 

(Dear diary??) Feeling completely unhinged right now.

I needed this right now.

Spoiler

[yt]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JscAwVu2QI&feature=kp[/yt]

 

I have to ask, when people talk about feeling gender dysphoria, what does that feel like? Does it manifest physically? Because what I'm feeling is like what I said in my first post in this thread. Massive claustrophobia, panic, shortness of breath, overwhelming need to escape. I'm really losing my shit here, and I don't know how to handle this.

---------- Post added 28th May 2014 at 08:06 PM ----------

This feeling is quite literally terrifying to me.

 

I'm scared and alone. The few people I've tried talking to about this, they just aren't taking this seriously. Same as ever, don't take me seriously, because I'm just everybody's little inside joke.

I'm fucking scared. It's like a car with no brakes, like the brake lines have been cut and all I can do is try to keep it from flying off the road on a tight corner.

Going to bed now, because sleep is the only cure that ever seems to work. Wish I could just sleep and never have to wake up unless I WANTED to.

 

If anybody has any advice or suggestions on this, please. I can't live like this.