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Feeling an urge to commit suicide when thinking about dealing with being gay

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by OscarX, Jun 19, 2017.

  1. OscarX

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    I refuse to take my defense down, I can't think about making myself vulnerable to burst my safe bubble of not dealing and ignoring it. I don't want to be that way. I'm just like every normal 19 year old, working and studying. Mental health isn't a new concept to me, I have been struggling with severe depression all my life, I've just overcome my social anxiety about a year ago and yet struggling with anxiety and now being medicated with anti depressant drugs over a supervision of a psychiatrist. The thought of breaking up that wall makes me have an urge to commit suicide. A few years ago I got into deep depression and have tried to hung myself but was unsuccessful (not because of my sexuality). These suicidal thoughts won't go away.
     
  2. RedTrekkie95

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    Hi Oscar, sorry to hear you're in such a difficult situation. No one should have to face depression, especially at such a young age as yourself.

    Well done for overcoming your social anxiety, it's a step forward! You should identify the other issues that cause you to experience these thoughts and combat them in a similar way. Do things that you enjoy and will take your mind off your troubles. Do you have anyone you know who you can talk to about it, i.e: friend or family member?

    You're seeing a psychiatrist, so I'm assuming that you are receiving therapy. Have you recently started to take the antidepressants? If yes, be patient it will be some time still before they come into effect. If not, consider asking your doctor to change to a different drug, that did the trick for me.

    Hope this helps, take care.
     
  3. OscarX

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    Thanks for replying, depression and anxiety suck all the meaning out of life, I try to get my mind of it but sometimes it is too difficult, it lies to me and tells me everything is so much worse than it actually it. I have not been officially diagnosed yet, but it may seem like depressia, there isn't much to do about a neurological mental disorder expect talking different pills who partially help to balance the chemical imbalance in my brain. It isn't the first time I've been medicated with antidepressants, I've been taking them on and of from my early to late teens.
    My parents are aware of my mental instability, I've been seeing dozens of psychologists and psychiatrists throughout my childhood until my late teens, I was born with an anxiety disorder called "Selective Mutism" which has been completely cured by the age of 6 through therapy. I was also born with "Turrets syndrome" and learning disabilities which have a significantly minor impact on my adult life. But now as adult I try to keep it clean from now and on and manage my own business. There's one friend I'm close to, I feel comfortable talking to her about my mood, everything except of secret of course.
     
  4. RedTrekkie95

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    It's comforting to know that you received help in the past. As you mentioned, dealing with your sexuality is causing you a significant amount of stress, which doesn't help with your depression. Have you considered coming out to your friend, she may be able to help you. I'm not sure if you're out to anybody, but the thought of knowing that there is someone who knows and supports you with you issues is very comforting, believe me. Alternatively, is there a LGBT group in your area that you could attend for support? The staff there are very sympathetic and unlike a normal therapist they understand your struggle.

    Hope this helps. Trekkie.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    It's good that you were able to create this thread and maybe it's a sign that you want things to change in a positive way, but just can't see a way forward right now. How did it feel to write down what's on your mind?

    It sounds like you are really scared of being vulnerable and I wonder if you can say why it's so scary for you? What is it about being vulnerable that worries you? Try to tell us, if you can.

    At the moment you see yourself has having a safe bubble of not dealing with things and ignoring what's going on, but is that really safe Oscar? Is it safe to be living [existing] with enduring thoughts of suicide? Is it safe to live like an active volcano? I would suggest it's not and that you are perhaps unwittingly fuelling the despairing thoughts by refusing to contemplate a different way.

    Let's just assume you change your mind and allow yourself to be vulnerable with a therapist or mental health professional. What do you suppose would happen? The idea of therapy isn't to take a big hammer to your emotional defences and walls and leave you completely exposed and isolated with everything, rather, it's a case of gradually breaking things down and building up healthy coping mechanisms. Are you able to allow yourself to believe that?

    As things stand you are looking at things in inevitable terms, but if you can summon up some courage and look at things afresh, there are options for change.
     
    #5 PatrickUK, Jun 20, 2017
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2017
  6. OscarX

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    I don't understand why do people associate being gay and coming out, there are so many gay guys who are completely comfortable with being in the closet, It isn't like a part of you is missing until then. You can live a happy and fulfilling life without coming out, you're not hiding yourself.
    Well, I do have a work colleague who's gay (ironically more than one), he's very vocal about LGBT rights and so on, the fact that he's gay makes me somewhat uncomfortabl and uneasy, but on the other hand seems like an inspiration. I know I'll be welcomed to seek support by him even though we are not that close, but I don't feel ready to seek support, I know it's there. Revealing myself to someone else is irreversible, it may help or it may damage me.
     
  7. Myclosetisfull

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    Actually, I don't think there is anyone who lives a truly happy life and is really gay without ever telling anyone. There may be a lot of people with attraction to more than one gender who remain in a happy marriage and have kids and somehow survive their entire life, but there are very few if any people who actually deny themselves their homosexual desires their entire life despite being exclusively homosexual, and of those I think roughly 0 are happy about it.