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Feeling a bit low .. fed up of not telling my family the whole truth

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jo Hannah, Jul 9, 2021.

  1. Jo Hannah

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    Hi All,

    I’ve recently been feeling a lot more at ease with the changes I am going through, The EC community is such a great way to feel at accepted for whatever that may be.

    I am starting to feel that although I don’t yet know where my sexuality is. I do know that I have had a tough year, and none of my family or friends actually know why i’ve needed therapy, It’s been easy to disguise as Covid isolation, loneliness etc.

    But the truth is I am still and have been heartbroken and experienced a whole shift in my perception of my sexuality, and I can’t share that with them.

    I can’t tell them because it’s not just me I would out. And it’s a small village where everyone knows everyone. Once a secret gets out it just spreads !

    Her violent partner would inevitably put us both in a coffin if he ever knew what happened.

    So it has to stay a secret, but i’m ready to tell my family and frustrated that I can’t be open and honest with them.

    I can’t see a way to change this and my therapist who knows all of the story also says she feels there’s a real danger for her and I if this gets out.

    Struggling today to accept that I have to carry this secret around. I Just wanted to share that with you all as I have no other outlet for the frustration.
     
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  2. Peterpangirl

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    I hear the weight of your secret. Telling family is a very big deal. Coming out is stressful, even though it can help. Often people are supportive, but by no means always. Families, especially, can be problematic. And I can understand that you want to protect your friend. Are there any friends further afield that you could confide in safely to unburden yourself? It sounds as though you are feeling very vulnerable right now and sometimes it can be helpful to 'test the water' by telling someone of lesser importance, whose acceptance of you matters less.
     
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  3. Jo Hannah

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    Hi Peterpangirl,

    I did recently tell and old ex, he lives away and no mutual connection. Unfortunately I think he though there was a chance to rekindle so his reaction was initially not so great but likely due to his disappointment.

    I have the most amazing family and I know if I did tell them it would be fine. They won’t judge or reject. Heck they would probably just be relieved to know why i’ve been struggling.

    And it would come as no huge shock I don’t think because they know my friend and i were incredibly close, it was a running joke that we were lesbian and should just get married as we shared everything anyway.

    Unfortunately my family, especially my children are friends with my her family and her children and I just know they would discuss it, mostly because the kids, all young adults, will be like “see i told you so” .. And things have a way of getting back, and if her boyfriend found out he’d go ballistic.

    I just can’t tell our secret because it effects her too. My solution is to move away as I literally live a few houses down the street, but that’s a but extreme.

    Maybe in a few months, i’m planning November when travel is ok again I will be able to go travelling for a few months, get away and discover my true self x
     
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  4. PatrickUK

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    Hey @Jo Hannah, I have to say this quote really stood out to me

    You say you live in a small village and described it as a running joke that the two of you were lesbian and should get married, so is it not likely that this too has got out? There is an old saying that many a true word is spoken in jest and I wonder if you've considered the possibility that people have sussed out where things stand, beneath the apparent joke. What do you think?
     
  5. Jo Hannah

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    Hi PatrickUK

    There may well be suspicions in the village and past gossip, but as we haven’t been on speaking terms for more than a year it’s old news and long forgotten. Bizarrely she told me to date a local guy just after our affair. I duly complied so put to bed those rumours.

    The concern is her boyfriend, he was assured honestly back in 2019 at the time that we were just best friends, even though we were like soul mates. It was a shock to me that she had other ideas. But hindsight is great, that’s what’s led to my whole crisis and realisations this last 18 months.

    Essentially, over a 3 week period back in Feb 2020 we were intimate, her boyfriend would see it as an affair. Which I guess it was, he had been arrested and was out of the house, at the time, I thought she wouldn’t take him back, but she did.

    He’s possessive, controlling and domestically violent, he’s been aggressive and threatened me in the past over other things. For a while I had a police marker on my address.

    If he knew what really happened that’s his worst fears, I can’t predict exactly what he would do, but I know his red mist would come down and all hell would break loose.

    I don’t really care what the local people think, I want to be honest with my near family and adult children, but I know in doing so it’s going to find its way back to her house hold and what happens after that is the problem.

    I don’t want to make her life difficult or bring up the past, cause domestics for her and invite his wrath.

    So i’m feeling frustrated.
     
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  6. Love2sleep

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    Hello lovely, how are you?
    I can see why you're frustrated but equally, I can see how you're looking at the bigger picture and thinking about how you being out will possibly lead to harm for her. Such a difficult situation. Personally, I think your caution is commendable and it takes real love and affection to think of someone else other than yourself. I trust you will know how to proceed with this and when the time of right for you, I wish you all the success possible.
     
  7. GrumpyOldLady

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    That sounds like a really horrifying situation for you, it must be incredibly difficult to not only deal with this heartache and see someone you've loved in such a situation but have to fear what will happen if you live your authentic self.
    I'd give you a hug but since were online you'll have to be content with a virtual one instead.
     
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  8. Jo Hannah

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    Thank you all for your kind words. My sister came to stay last night. I have confided with her pretty much everything as she understands the repercussion of this getting out, and I trust her. It was getting to a point where I needed to explain why i’ve been so withdrawn and why i’ve been having therapy. I wanted to be honest. She agrees that my children won’t have a level of maturity to not gossip so it’s best for now I keep things as they are.

    As I expected no judgement whatsoever about my sexuality dilemmas, nothing but support for how i’m feeling, and a desire to see me happy, I am incredibly fortunate to have a close family that will always love and accept me for me.

    We have a few cousins who are gay and they are warmly loved by the whole extended family, as are their adoptive children, so I always knew there was no chance of rejection. But it’s still nice to air the thoughts and have nothing negative back.

    I do feel a little less frustrated for sharing, with you all and with my sister. It’s built my confidence and I feel I really need to leave this village and the shadow of her as soon as I can and go travelling, be anonymous and discover myself.

    Just wanted to share with you all, thank you for your support and care.
     
    #8 Jo Hannah, Jul 14, 2021
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2021
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  9. Love2sleep

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    I'm sure glad you now feel less frustrated and have finally shared what you have wanted to share. How are you?
    Going travelling will be great!
    You've come so far and really should be proud of you!
     
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  10. GrumpyOldLady

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    I'm glad things worked out so well with your sister, it's wonderful to have someone you can confide in who supports you. Good luck on your travels!
     
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