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Feel so lost and would appreciate some advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by poohbearxo, Jan 6, 2022.

  1. poohbearxo

    Regular Member

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    I am a female, in a long-term relationship with my boyfriend of 7 years. The relationship wasn't perfect from the start - he used to flirt and message other girls, and I practically had to beg him to see me once a week for sex and a film (this was when we were 15-16 years old). Our sex life is absolutely awful. He is very selfish in bed basically and literally doesn't care for my needs, and it took us 3.5 years to actually have sex.

    With that said, I have always had issues with my sexuality since I was about 12. I used to subconsciously think that I was a lesbian, despite actually at this time having a crush on a girl. I was also absolutely boy crazy, but looking back it was obvious I just wanted their attention and to feel wanted instead of actually crushing on them. During this time, my father would always laugh at the LGBTQ+ community and say that at our age (14) it was all a phase and everyone who was gay/lesbian would end up married with children soon and they'd be embarrassed. He used to say this all the time to the point where I believed it was a phase. For a bit of info, my confusion about my sexuality continued until I was 15 where I had this massive crush on this girl at school and we kissed and I knew then that I was gay.

    It was something that really scared me, coming to the realisation I wasn't straight. The thought of it made me panic because I don't like disappointing people (my family) and I thought that coming out would be too much hassle or I'd get bullied or no one would believe me, so I stayed as I was. I used to try my best to ignore my feelings and completely push them to the side. I used to say to myself that it was a phase, or I was too young to know. During this time I decided to get a boyfriend as rumours were starting in school about me and I wanted to be perceived as straight and put the whole thing behind me. This is where I started dating my current boyfriend at 16. As a previously mentioned, the relationship wasn't built on love but an attempt for him to give me attention and love. As time went on, he changed and he realised he could lose me, so he became a completely different person almost over night and to this point on, he treated me very well and was so kind and loving. We are planning on buying a house together soon in the next 6 months and he's saved a lot of money up for it.

    However, last year I started a new job at work and I met a girl there who I was instantly attracted to. Nothing ever happened between us, and we were just friends, but it made me once again question everything. It was during this time when I realised that all my life I have been running away from the one issue that is my sexuality, and I realised that I need to come clean to myself and accept myself soon or it will keep getting worse. I realised last year and came to terms with the fact that I am a lesbian. I don't need to have had sex with a woman to realise the way girls make me feel is a completely different feeling and love I could ever experience with a man. The issue is that I am so close to buying a house with my boyfriend. He is my best friend and we have so many lovely plans for the future, and I genuinely want to be with him, but I am not sexually attracted to him, and I am obviously gay. In addition to this, I live at home still and I am currently unemployed and I don't feel stable enough to leave. My family are very toxic, narcissistic and they are bullies. My mother has been in the past incredibly physically and emotionally abusive and my siblings are bullies and incredibly judgemental. My family are unhealthily close with one another and I feel trapped. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend either because I worry he will be suicidal or be depressed and stalk me. Once we broke up when I was 18 and I went to the cinema with two of our mutual friends and he stalked me and sent pictures of his location to me as a way to say he's watching me. It was creepy. As we are due to buy a house soon, I feel immense pressure to sort things out soon, but the pressure is really getting to me and stressing me out.

    I just feel trapped and everything is getting on top of me. My main issues are: a) I'm unemployed (I am currently doing a course to better my employment chances at this one role but due to it being Christmas, no one is hiring this second, but they will be soon), b) my boyfriend and I breaking up - I fear he could be either violent or emotionally unstable and it scares me, and c) my toxic family. I just wish I could pack up my things and run away, but I can't.

    Do you have any advice?
     
  2. Y2B

    Y2B
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    I wouldn't break up with him just like that. You two have advanced plans for the future. Breaking up right now can put him in bad mental state. Just for that i wouldn't do it. You must think what's more important to you. Stable life with your friend or to come out and start from beginning. I think you need prepare yourself and him for a serious discussion before it's too late. You must confess to him, i can't see any other way out. I hope someone from our Advisor team will step in and give you a better answer.
     
    #2 Y2B, Jan 6, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2022
  3. BiGemini87

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    Hello, @poohbearxo. This is an incredibly difficult situation, so I understand why you're stuck on how to move forward. I don't think there is a neat and tidy way to do this; your boyfriend is going to be hurt one way or the other, whether you break up now or do so later. The problem with later is that the more time passes, the harder it is to move on. It also wouldn't be healthy to stay with him to spare his feelings, or stay with him only to get away from your family. Many people have done that over the course of human history and it seldom goes well in the long run.

    The choice is ultimately yours in how you handle this, but I think what you should do is, first and foremost, talk things over with your boyfriend. Be as open and honest about what you've been experiencing and feeling as you can. You don't have to mention the girl you like, because at this point, I wouldn't recommend focusing on any kind of relationship until you're in a more stable position to do so. Like I said, it's going to hurt; him, and even though it may not seem like it, you too. You've been together quite some time, gone through a lot, and had these plans. When all of this breaks down, even when it's for the best, it's hard to accept. But the sooner you do it, the better. It would be far crueler to string him along, even unintentionally. It's so, so important for you to understand this as well: your boyfriend's mental health issues and what he may do as a result is in no way your responsibility. Oftentimes people use the threat of suicide to manipulate partners into staying because they themselves are afraid of being alone. If you are not happy with him, don't love him and have no chemistry, you in no way, shape or form owe him your life. Staying just for him would be a lie, and would only breed resentment, anger and hatred between you in the long run.

    Secondly, focus on moving forward. Focus on your studies, get a part-time job if you can, and start saving up as much as you can. The sooner you're able to financially support yourself, the better. Alternatively, if gaining financial independence isn't possible right now or would take too long and your home life is tense, seek out friends or family that wouldn't mind hosting you until you can get back on your feet. Whatever route you take, it's for the betterment of your situation and yourself.

    Only once you're in a good position would I even consider this girl you're interested in.

    I know this is probably all very overwhelming, and you of course are free to make whatever choices you feel are best in your situation. I hope, however, that at the very least, I've been you something to think about; some anchoring point in which to work from.

    I hope things work out for you. If you feel like it, keep us updated.
     
    #3 BiGemini87, Jan 7, 2022
    Last edited: Jan 7, 2022
  4. GrumpyOldLady

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    It doesn't seem like your relationship is particularly fulfilling to you and you don't really love him, even if you were straight those would be very valid reasons to critically examine your relationship before you get even more deeply involved with him financially, despite your understandable desire to escape your toxic family situation.

    I think BiGemini has good advice...I would also add that it sounds like you are afraid to break up with your boyfriend because you're concerned about how he is going to react, specifically that he might become violent against himself or against you. Do you have any friends or relatives who live nearby and whom you can trust, or some kind of women's shelter in your area that you can contact? If your gut feeling tells you to be cautious I would listen to it, because after 7 years together I'm assuming you have valid reasons for feeling scared. It might not be a bad idea to have some support (for him, for you, or for both) nearby when you break up with him just in case.