Hey so I wasn’t actually going to come back but I’ve been so depressed lately and I don’t have anywhere else to talk about this. If I wasn’t trans, I know I wouldn’t even be depressed either because I wouldn’t have anything wrong in my life. I’ve just been like the most depressed I’ve ever been in my entire life. I’m tired all the time and I sleep a lot. I’m absolutely exhausted but I hardly do anything. And I’ve also been isolating myself a lot because I just hate people and going out in public. I’m sick of people staring at me. And I’m sick of having to overanalyzed every little thing I do or say and wonder if it’s too feminine. I’ve been thinking about cutting again although I haven’t done it since January last year (I think, idk). Well, I have two reasons I’m so depressed. The first is that I feel like I really should have made more progress in my transition by now. Like I’m already 18 but I’m still pre-everything. Mainly because I’m scared and I’m ashamed. Even though I’ve identified as trans since like 14, I’m still scared that I’m making a mistake by transitioning medically. I still have doubts from time to time even though I’m pretty sure of myself, whatever. And then there’s the shame, I’m too ashamed to talk about it with anyone. Even a psychiatrist so I couldn’t get diagnosed with dysphoria anyway. I can’t even imagine telling my family or my best friend so how am I supposed to transition without faking my own death (which I’ve thought about, let’s be real). It’s like the hardest thing to talk about or that I can imagine talking about. And my parents, they’re not going to like it…my mom even told me that if I ever came out as trans it’d be like I killed her child so yeah, what am I supposed to say. And everyday I’m not transitioning, I feel like it’s just another day of my life that I’m wasting. It’s another day I’m not even living. But I just feel like it doesn’t even matter anyway. Because I can’t get this out of my head; it doesn’t matter how much surgery I have or hormones I take, it’s not going to make me into a man. Like I can’t see it any other way. Even if I call myself a man or other people call me one (doubt it), that doesn’t make it true. I’ll still be female for the rest of my life and I’ll always have the bone structure of a female…I’ll always be short and I’ll always have wide hips and I’ll never have broad shoulders or a broad chest. My hands and arms will always probably be tiny too. And even if I get top surgery, it won’t make me male…even if I get bottom surgery, it won’t matter. And I’m definitely not a guy now because I don’t even have a binder…not while I still live with my parents, how am I supposed to explain something like that…I don’t have enough money saved up to move out yet. And I don’t even know when I’ll have enough to move out. I have a job so it’s like I have enough money to buy whatever but all our mail is still delivered to the same house and my parents are the ones with Amazon and Ebay accounts. So I have to use sports bras to bind, it doesn’t work entirely but what am I supposed to do? The point is that men shouldn’t have to wear bras and men shouldn’t know what it’s like to get a period like I swear I’m having a mental breakdown. I’ve only been alive 18 years and I’m supposed to deal with this for the rest of my life. I want to get top surgery and a hysterectomy as soon as I move out but I am kind of scared to because it’s like as soon as I start the whole process of getting surgery, it’s like I’m just accepting that I’m transgender and that’s my life. It’s like I think I’m still in denial a bit now because I know I’m transgender but I don’t want to deal with it, I wish I could just become a guy without getting surgery. I wish I could just wake up tomorrow and have this all be some weird nightmare but it’s not going to happen…I’ve been hoping it would since 14. Being a guy is like the one thing I want the most in life, more than any other goal and I have a lot of them. But it doesn’t even matter, I could achieve every other goal but I can’t have the one thing I want the most. And I’m sick of everything. I’m sick of being uncomfortable all the time like I can’t enjoy anything. The sports bras make my chest hurt and I can’t breathe properly but if I don’t have them tight enough, too much chest shows. And I’m sick of the straps always showing (I guess the same thing would happen with a binder which is why I need them removed ASAP). I’m sick of getting a period, I got blood on my men’s boxers today and I swore I was going to cry except I can’t even cry I’m so numb all the time. I’m so numb but it feels like every little thing could just push me over the edge. And I’m sick of being misgendered or treated like a 12 year old boy. I wish there was something someone could tell me that would make me feel better. I just feel like life isn’t worth it.