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Feel like I'm ruining my life, because I'm scared to come out

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MPC, May 19, 2020.

  1. MPC

    MPC
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    Hey guys,


    So this might be a long one, but I will attempt to keep it short. I am a 28 male, and I feel like I may be gay, but even then, I doubt myself sometimes. I know I am sexually attracted to men, and have went out and explored these feelings with other guys, at the time I really enjoyed it, but after I felt extremely guilty. Like, I did something bad. I've had an attraction to guys since I was really young, as long as I can remember, teen years. I had crushes on guys, but I also had crushes on girls, this is where it gets weird, but I won't go too much into my orientation part, because, wrong forum.

    I had my first experience with a guy at around age 22, it was amazing, I might add too, I was a virgin for awhile, I didn't lose my virginity until I was 21, which was too a girl. I had a couple toxic relationships with some women, until my last one of 4yrs, which ended in disaster. I felt like I loved her at the beginning, but as I grow older, the attraction to men increases, too the point where sex wasn't enjoyable with her, or any woman at this point, nor do I desire to have any romantic relationship with women either. I do try to keep the image in-front of my buddies, had this hook-up when we all were drinking and stuff, but I just tried to finish as fast as possible, wasn't enjoyable. Then I continued to do it, even though I hated it. That said, I have hooked up with some guys since the last break up, and while at the time I enjoy it, I feel so guilty after. Why?

    I am starting to think it is because I have been lying to myself, my friends, and my family. I am also scared what people will think, or say, especially at work. I work in construction, my friends, well, current ones, are all kinda "gangster like" don't know how else to put it, ex-dealers, current, always fighting, listen to hardcore rap, always chasing women. I might actually be at physical risk if I came out. Even though I don't have any attraction too them, I don't know how to explain it, being gay is like, being some kind of pervert or something.

    My family is old school too, my grandma would no doubt disown me. My mom might be supportive, she has been questioning my sexuality, kinda half joking. The rest of my family, is bout the same as my grandma.

    I dunno, I'm sorta rambling now. I just feel alone, I've suffered from major depression since i was a teenager, I've been doing drugs since i was 18, drinking since I was 12, and I don't have much real trauma, I feel like it is literally me lying to myself and others about who I am. FYI, I am going to counselling to quit all that. Drinking and drugs. I just feel when I drink, or the other, I finally can let loose, sometimes hook up with a guy, and don't get so scared or guilty about talking to them or don't have the courage to do "anything". I almost ended up dating a guy, but I totally blew him off, chatted with him on a dating site. He seemed like a good guy.

    Guess what I'm asking is, is this anything like any of you felt like? Like, I question whether I'm even gay some days. But the feeling is still there. I feel like if I had a healthy relationship with a guy, it could really feel normal? Is that the right word? Least it wouldn't be forced, and I think I could finally find out for sure, though I am like 99% sure I am gay.

    I don't have to be alone. I do know some people that I could probably talk to about my feelings, have an old friend in town, we've been friends since high school. He let it slip one night when he was drunk he hooked up with a guy for bout a week back in the day. He is married with a kid now. I also have a friend, that came out as trans a few years ago, but I'm not sure if that's the same thing, as coming out gay, and I don't want to offend them if I ask some coming out questions.

    How do you come out to yourself? If I can't accept myself, how can anyone else?

    TLDR: Guy think he is gay, but can't even come out to himself, nevermind everyone else.



    Thanks for reading, and any advise you can give me. Sorry for the terrible grammar and structure, hope its not too hard to read. Cheers. MPC
     
  2. MPC

    MPC
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    Also wanted too add, I actually found these forums from a 10yr reddit post about coming out, so I am new, and thankful something like this exists!
     
  3. bingostring

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    Hi MPC
    What you describe sounds familiar. Whilst you may be any any point in the ‘spectrum’ of bi/gay it sounds like you are describing yourself as gay but very conflicted about it. This explains the uncertainty through to the probable cause of your depression.
    This conflict probably stems from internalised homophobia you have soaked up over the years.
    You are worried about what people will think about you if the real you is revealed to them?

    I suggest you research “internalised homophobia” .. start on Wikipedia
    And it’s a great thing to discuss with your therapist if you are currently seeing one.
     
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  4. Pedro123

    Regular Member

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    I think coming out to some of your closest friends is good to help you accept yourself, however do it only with the ones you trust the most, and who you know will actually encourage you accept yourself. I did this and it's been extremely helpful. I never felt so good and so extremely close and wanting to hug my best friend as I do now. It's going to be a tough process for the both of us but sometimes if you have a lot of other aspects that compensate for it you can accept yourself better. Like for me I'm really into music, and I sing and play guitar a lot and been making good progress over the last years. When I finally feel like Richie Kotzen I'll not feel a single bit of shame anymore. Fredie Mercury, Elton John, the greatest musicians are always it, so remember that. Who knows even Mozart or other ones from the 19th century when coming out was nearly impossible for most men unless you don't appreciate absolutely nothing about women were it too but couldn't admit.
    Being gay is just like anything else. I have an uncle who's gay and NEVER sounds like it, i mean he's very masculine and I'd never have guessed it and I find it so awesome. Knowing that he was it just made me closer to him and find him even more amazing.
    I might still have internalised prejudice, but I've always felt really safe being friends with people that were gay too. And besides I've always been someone who loved everyone who was a bit different, so how can I be like that to myself if I'm not to everyone else?
    I think trying to make these types of "rationalizations" is really helpful too, but I'm serious if you still can't find a man physically attractive don't hook up with one yet, get rid of the prejudice first, maybe go to gym, do something awesome so that when you come out it won't be like oh he's just gay and that makes him weak. Make your traumas or the differences that society mocks and points the finger at turn into stuff that you and everyone else will notice actually is an insane boost to your motivation, I've been doing it right now to get women which I'm extremely shy next to, but now that I've figured out I'm not trully attracted to them I'll use this as a motivation instead.
     
  5. quebec

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    MPC.....Hello and a very big welcome to Empty Closets! Believe me, being scared to come out isn't unusual in any way! Even though our society is changing, we still have been told so many times as we are growing up that being gay is bad. That some one who is gay is a pedophile, a broken person, a queer, a fag. We are told that it's a choice to be gay so the people who "choose" to be gay are very bad people. With all of that floating around in our heads, it's no surprise that we would not want anyone to know that we are gay...even ourselves. It's not unusual to find that the hardest person to come out to is ourselves. You are not an evil person, you are not a bad person, you are not broken and you do not need to be "fixed". I understand the depression...I fought depression for many years until I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay. Sometimes learning to accept yourself is just not possible to do by yourself. I was able to reach the place of acceptance with the help of the wonderful people here on Empty Closets who supported and encourage me so many times and the guidance of an incredible therapist. Please consider finding an LGBTQ-qualified and/or gay therapist. We go to the doctor without hesitation when we get sick, but so often we shy away from seeing a therapist when are emotionally/intellectually confused. Having someone that I could talk to...that I could tell anything to, made a huge difference for me. My therapist was a "safe" person to talk to as he couldn't legally tell anyone about our conversations without my permission. I was fortunate in that he (therapist) was also gay and understood what I was going through since he had gone through the same things himself. Please seriously consider finding a therapist. ALSO...keep us updated here on EC. You are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care about you.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag: