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Feel like I'm dying...

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Spot, Apr 16, 2017.

  1. Spot

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    I'm not going to post saying that I'm going to commit suicide because let's face it, I'm too afraid to ever go through with it. Maybe tomorrow I'll write some notes and come up with a method, do all but follow through. Maybe I'll just cut myself or something and then worry about everyone seeing the cuts. Then I'll pack my bag and walk to the end of the street because realizing I'm too scared to run away too. But I did just spend the last few minutes as a born-again Christian, begging God to kill me and since that didn't work, I'm an atheist again. I guess I was half-expecting this.

    The funny thing is, this is the first time in my life where I truly feel like I'm wasting away and dying. It started this year, I noticed I was starting to lose some of my personality again. I started wanting to just lie in bed all day. Then I lost all of my confidence/self-esteem. I started to just not care if others wanted me around or what they thought of me, I didn't care about brushing my hair or trying to exercise all the time. Because no one will actually love me. I'm not even fishing for sympathy here, I literally can't ever see someone loving me. Everyone says it gets better after high school but the thing is, I can't see past high school. I don't want to do anything and I can't imagine living past eighteen. I can't imagine dying a natural death or living to old age, I feel like everything is fading to black like this is the end of the line. I don't even see myself committing suicide, I just...feel I'm going to die soon somehow, by some coincidence I suppose and there's nothing I can see past that.

    I mean, there's nothing I want to do here on Earth and no one would miss me. I'm not saying that for sympathy, I don't want people feeling bad for me, it's just fact. I feel a bit like I'm holding everyone back, you know? And not just my friends, if I even still have friends but somehow everyone on the planet. I feel bad because I'm using all this food and water and air but for what? What am I really achieving? I don't care about transition anymore because...well, I just can't see myself living that long. And it doesn't seem worth it anyway, I'll still feel the same, just in a different body.

    I don't think I'm going to get any replies because this was terribly written and depressing as hell but I don't know what to do, I literally can't see anything other than the present moment and I don't know what that means?

    And I'm sorry, I feel like I post these a lot, where I just complain. I don't have anyone else to talk to though...
     
  2. Argentwing

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    Hi, Colin. I know you see only darkness now, but as someone not even a hell of a lot older than you, you're really young, and your view of the world changes a few years from high school. No one knows for a fact what will happen once they are out of school.

    In your own signature quote, you say that a person is like an arrow. What's to say your suffering is not the pulling back of that arrow? Even if it appears to be pulled back far enough to break the bow. :S

    It sounds like you may have depression, though, which will certainly skew things for the worse. If that is the case, it gives what torments you a form that you can deal with.

    I guarantee there are people who love you and would miss you if you died. The food and water and air you consume are yours as much as anyone else's. We didn't ask for this and do our best with the time we are given. So you should do your best to hold your head high, look at the marvels of creation, and be thankful you got the chance to be alive.
     
  3. DreamerBoy17

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    Colin I've been there. I'm not even exaggerating, I've been there. I used to think there was nothing past high school. Thought my death was more likely than graduation. People told me I had a bright future but I didn't think anything could light up the dark tunnel I was in.
    It sounds a lot like you have depression. Which I'm sure you probably already guessed but I'm saying this because I have it too and it obscures the real you. You aren't a burden on people or a waste of space. That's mental illness talking. If you can, I think therapy would be a huge help to you, possibly medication as well.

    I know I'm not going to be able to convince you to want to live. These things aren't fixed by slapping on a smile and skipping around in circles. It's a scary place to be in and I'm sorry somebody as wonderful as you is stuck there. But I am going to say that it's possible to make it through. It seems impossible, I know, but we have the power to change our situations. I think if you talk to people and reach out for help, you might have an easier time. And you always have us on EC, of course.

    The world is a bright and hopeful place. Depression throws a black fog over that, but it's true. High school is temporary. You can make it through this, I know it. I don't feel like I've been especially helpful, but I want you to know that someone is listening and cares, and that this is survivable. (*hug*)
     
  4. Worker Bee

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    You are definitely suffering from depression. I've been where you are on numerous occasions. I even planned to jump but couldn't figure out how to open the window where I was at the time.

    I finally accepted that I needed help as I couldn't find my way out of this deep, dark hole by myself.

    I know when someone feels like this it's hard to believe anything. However I hope you reach out to someone for some help. It won't be an instant fix. My meds keep me from falling back down the hole, however I still need to work on my self esteem and self confidence.
     
  5. Spot

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    I am on anti-depressants already, evidently they aren't working. Although I can't imagine them ever working...it's just been getting harder and everyone keeps saying it gets harder after high school, how is that supposed to make me feel better? I don't know what to do, I really don't. I don't want to do anything I used to and now I'm going to get in trouble tomorrow since I didn't practice the guitar enough but I just can't. I have zero motivation right now. I just want to lie in bed but I have school and I don't know what to do.
     
  6. Argentwing

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    ^^Yeah life in general is harder after high school, but it's different enough that it doesn't feel like it. The difference is that it's less regimented. You have more freedom. If you're disciplined, it's way better than high school because you are in charge of your own destiny. However, if you're out of control, there is less of a sense of training wheels keeping you on track.

    Who knows? Maybe having a little more say in your life is what you need. Because the sense I'm getting from these posts is that you don't feel a reason to live. But after high school, you're more likely in a position to find and act on a reason. :slight_smile:
     
  7. janeausten

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    Hi Colin,
    Jane here. Thank you for sharing, I feel like you are telling my story. I too live with depression.
    I would encourage you to talk to someone you trust. Perhaps a parent or guardian or one of your best friends, and be as honest as you can. If you don't feel like having anyone to talk to...I get that, as I often feel pretty lonely myself, so feel free to message me, if you ever would to.
    I would also encourage you to ask this trusted person if they can help you find someone professional to talk to. Depression for me felt like a fog, and it blurred my reality and even my thoughts. It made me believe lies about myself and others. Therapy helped me see through that fog. It was challenging but I couldn't have withstood the darkness forever.
    You deserve to be happy Colin, you deserve to wake up and feel good about yourself and to be free to enjoy life. You deserve true love and friendship.
    Hold on. You're stronger than you know.
     
  8. Eldrher

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    I'm not gonna pretend life is all sunshine and rainbows coz it's not. What does he know? He's 14! Turns out I've been living like this for a while and trust me, it's not the end of the road. Life is full of ups and downs. U just feel like giving up and all u can feel is a great numbness. It's part of life and we have to live through it. I made a noose once. God knows what made me think a paracord noose would work. Or where I'd hang it. I stood on the edge of a cliff, desperate to jump off, the only thing stopping me the pain it would cause my family and boyfriend. Life isn't always like this though. It's not always so painful and dull. Good things happen too. The amount of times I've got to the medicine cabinet and stopped when I remember overdosing doesn't mean u will just fall asleep and never wake up again. I'm going to give u some advice. Pour ur heart into something. Learn to play an instrument, draw something, write a story. Have at least one thing a day u can look forward to. Our pain doesn't have to control us. We don't have to let it suck in our happiness because we can find joy again, in the simplest of things. I hope this has helped. It doesn't last forever.
     
  9. Kodo

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    Colin, I see you. I care. And not just me, but every person who posted above me.

    I don't know your position, exactly, but I have been in a similar situation. I know it hurts brother, and I'm so sorry. But you have to keep fighting. I have gone through these thoughts more than I can number. The scars. The laying on the bathroom floor at 2am crying until I couldn't breath. The begging God - if He was even there - to kill me or I'd do it myself. The waking up one day with the numbing realization that I neither know nor care why I exist. The grieving over a body that will never be right. The lying in bed for hours during the days. The disconnect from a family I love but who sees right through me. I know it hurts Colin. If I could be there with you right now I would. To tell you that you are loved and that you are not alone.

    But the fact is, you've got to be strong today. And tomorrow. And every day you have to be strong even when every bone in your body is telling you to give up. Because - and I don't give a damn how many times you've heard this - it gets better. But it starts with a choice. A choice to keep breathing. One heartbeat to the next, pulling forward, slowly. Until the day that you are free. It will come if you give yourself the chance to see that day.

    You can have a long and happy life, surrounded by people who love you, Colin. You are never alone in this, not for one second. Take this pain and put it into something, if you can. Like music or art. Learn to love yourself, because you deserve it just as much as anyone else. You are worth it Colin.

    Always keep fighting.