So this is really hard for me to talk about because I don't ever talk about it. I'd rather try to forget the whole thing ever happened. I'm actually crying right now, I haven't even started yet. It's just hard to believe this ever really happened to me. It doesn't feel ever real, like that kid and I were the same people but I was molested in 2008…so I would've been 7 or 8 years old. It's hard to remember my exact age because I repressed a lot from my childhood because of it, I don't remember a lot from that year or the years after. I don't really remember a lot of my childhood. I can tell you that it was raining the day that I was molested and I remember the song playing on the radio as my mom drove me home from school that day, I remember feeling all wrong and like I'd never be the same again. And I felt like I'd done something wrong, like I was guilty of something. I remember that months later, my parents wanted to talk to me about what to do if someone ever touched me inappropriately. I think. I think they may have asked me if someone touched me, I'm not sure. But I ended up telling them. And that's probably the last time we've ever talked about it. That really hurts too. It's been eleven years and they've never asked me if I was okay…which I'm not, I had nightmares for years, which they wouldn't know. And it's been eleven years and I'm crying like it just happened. It just feels really distant and in the past but also like it happened yesterday. And I always feel like I'm fucked up. Forever. And nothing will fix that. I didn't have my childhood. I can't have male friends, I can't be alone with men, I don't even like to be alone with my own relatives. I can't have sexual relationships. I'll probably always wonder if I'm attracted to women and have gender dysphoria because I was molested, I'll always second guess myself. I feel like I'll never be able to relax, I'll always be so vigilant. I'll always have trouble falling asleep at night because I'll be scared of having another nightmare and reliving the trauma and twenty years later, I'll probably still be crying like it just happened. And I think my mom said something truly unforgivable after I was molested. I never had the opportunity to forgive her anyway; she never said sorry. Not that I would've forgiven her. I was writing Christmas cards the year that it happened and she noticed that I hadn't written a card for the one who molested me. And she said I should write him a card because it's the spirit of Christmas. Then she got mad at me. I actually feel like I'm going to have an anxiety attack here because I'd forgotten this had even happened for some time…I told her I hated him and she said I didn't hate anybody. And that's what happened. I "wasn't allowed" to hate the one who molested me, I was supposed to write him a Christmas card. She was supposed to be protective of me. She was supposed to care about stuff like this but you know what? I feel like she doesn't even care. This should've been her worst nightmare. She never even asked if I was okay. And I do hate the one who molested me, more than anyone else I've ever met, he's ruined my life and any chance I had of ever being a normal person. I wish he was dead, I don't want an apology because it means nothing to me. I just wish I didn't have to constantly fear seeing him in public or fear that he's molested someone else because I didn't go to the police. I just don't want him to hurt any more people and I don't ever want to see his face again. But I worry that wherever I go, I'll always fear he'll be there. I don't want to talk about him anymore. I don't want to talk about this at all anymore but I still have to talk about my mom. I'm 18 and I want to move out soon. I just don't know if I want her to be a part of my life anymore. It's really because of what she said. I don't think I can ever forgive that. I don't think I should have to forgive something like that. And I feel like if I just let her stay in my life, she'll think what she said was okay. I just don't even know what to do. If I cut her off, I don't have anybody but is that better than having her in my life?
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this experience. Do you have resources to find a therapist who can help you begin working through this? I think that’s the most important thing. The therapist can help you decide what the best approach to a continued (or not) relationship with your mom is. Assuming you’re not in any danger, maybe you can stick it out until you are able to financially support yourself and move out. Is college an option for you? There are usually counseling resources at colleges you can take advantage of. Or perhaps your high school can refer you to someone. It won’t be easy to work through this, but it sounds like you have been walking through this alone for so many years and could use support.
I agree with what SoulSearch has to say. It's completely awful that you've had to deal with this for so long. I really think talking to a counselor or therapist could really help you talk through this and get it off your chest. I've dealt with emotional abuse from both of my parents, so I relate with wondering whether your mom should be in your life. I've wondered the same thing about both of my parents (mostly my father) for a long time. And, to be honest, that's still something that I'm wondering about. But the philosophy that I've come to is this: My parents may be toxic people. But, in the end, they're only the people who gave birth to me. At the end of the day, they're not family. Or, at least, they don't have to be. The people that are really family to me are people that I accept into my life and vice versa. If I keep my parents in my life, it's because I let them. Not out of obligation or because they want me to-- it's because it's my choice. And if I don't keep them in my life, they don't hold that power over me-- they can't force me to come back if I up and leave one day. I mean, don't get me wrong-- it hurts like hell that my parents don't accept me for who I am. The things that they've said and done to me through my life will never leave me. But I can choose whether their physical presence is with me. That power of choice means everything to me. It helps me cope with the fact that I'm still living with them. That's what I've come up with anyway. Whatever you do, please keep your physical safety and security in mind as well as your mental health. Both of them matter.
Sorry you’re going through this shit. I can totally understand why you wouldn’t want your mother in your life. I want to say first of all that you don’t owe her anything. You don’t have to have her around if she treats you badly or makes all these issues come up. If she won’t protect you even though she knows what was done to you, then you really don’t owe it to her to have her in your life. It’s going to hurt a lot. Even years from now. We’re wired to want a close relationship with our parents - that’s just the way humans are - and not having that and being essentially rejected by them can be hellish. I would support the suggestion to go to therapy. It doesn’t work quickly, but it works, and it helps. You’re not the only one in this situation. I was sexually assaulted and it still impacts the way I view sex. I felt like I deserved it for such a long time. My parents don’t know about it, but considering the fact that they hate me for being gay, I’m sure they’d say I brought it on myself. Which is one of the many reasons they’re not part of my life. It gets better. Take care.
