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Feel like I am going crazy

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DelightfulWave, Jun 13, 2022.

  1. DelightfulWave

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    Hey there. I'm a bit paranoid about this so I was reluctant to join this forum but I feel like I need some support somewhere even with the risk.

    I am a cisgender woman married to a man and I am definitely not straight. I have always known I was not straight and felt attracted to girls at a young age. However I disregarded this as just being bisexual and thought it didn't really matter. Especially since I was more out about it when I was younger and suffered from some homophobic reactions among people who I thought were my friends. However, several years into my marriage I am pretty sure I am a lot more gay than I thought I was. This has had a very negative impact on my marriage and I am feeling really depressed over this. I have no idea how to even begin to know what to do about it.
     
  2. silverhalo

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    Hey welcome to EC. I am really sorry that you are in this position. I can totally understand your reluctance to join the forum but I promise you everyone here is friendly and supportive.

    What you do about your situation is totally up to you, only you can decide where you want to go from here but EC will be able to support you with those decisions. Take it one step at a time and I am sure you will figure it out.
     
  3. Prisma

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    Hi.i am in a similar situation but I feel that I am omnisexual. I have been married for many years and have an adult son. I don't want to break up my family. My son is attending college and lives at home. I have felt more attracted to women or admitted it more to myself in the past few years. I fell in love with a woman online. I didn't plan it, it just happened. It didn't work out not because of her being a woman, but I want to stay with my husband, he isn't open to me being with other people, and there were communication issues between the woman and I. Anyway, it's been very difficult and you have your own unique situation but I know it's hard. I also live in a very conservative area and have my anxieties so I feel good about the safeguards this website has. It also makes me feel better to know there are others in similar situations. My marriage is not out of the woods and still long to express myself.
     
    #3 Prisma, Jun 13, 2022
    Last edited: Jun 13, 2022
  4. DelightfulWave

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    I think that I might be a full on lesbian which is hard for me. Me and my husband don't have kids yet and if I leave him I probably won't get another chance which is one thing that holds me back.

    Thanks for the comforting words
     
  5. Jakebusman

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    I totally get how you feel im going through something simlar
     
  6. Prisma

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    I can see how this would be hard as you want kids. How open would you be to using a sperm donor either known to you or not, if you do leave your husband? Anyway, I hope that a solution that you are comfortable with opens for you. Sorry this is so hard.
     
  7. Stitch57

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    Hey Welcome! I hope you can find what you need here!
     
  8. silverhalo

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    I know it can seem hard to have kids without your husband but it doesnt have to be impossible. Of course any decisions are completely up to you but if you are struggling in the situation now it might not be that you can or want to be in that difficult a position for the forseeable future. If you think the prospect of turning things upside down now is hard it will be a million times harder once you have kids.
     
  9. DelightfulWave

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    I'm open to a sperm donor but the issue is my age. Late 30s is when fertility goes down. I live in red state hell and don't know if I would ever be able to adopt here also.

    And that is a difficult pill to swallow. My life is gonna be pretty hard for the foreseeable future. I wish I had never realized. I wish I could just pretend that I'm bisexual like I always have.
     
  10. Quantumreality

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    Hi @Delightful Wave,

    First, know this. You are safe and among friends here. While the advice you receive may or may not apply directly to you at any given time, it comes from the heart of good and friendly people.

    As a BI guy who has never been married, I can’t relate directly. However, I was in the military for many years, including early-on when I could have been dishonorably discharged for being openly Bi. So, I hid my sexuality for many, many years. I know that doesn’t equate directly to marriage, but I think I can comprehend the big picture of what you are going through.

    I would ask you several questions, if I may. And, frankly, they are as much about getting you to have clarity of thought for yourself (introspection) as they are for me to provide input to you. And, of course, you are not obliged to answer any of the questions in this forum, if you don’t want to.

    I would ask: Why did you marry your current husband?

    Do you love him?

    Were you simply using him to get away from the homophobia?

    How much honesty do the two of you have been you?

    How do you think he’d react if you came out to him?

    What is the real basis of your fear right now? Losing him? Being on your own again? Missing out on a life with a potential same-sex partner?

    A huge part of coming out is being honest with yourself first. It seems that you are now admitting to yourself that you are a lesbian. But the next step – the one you are asking advice about here on EC – is what to do next. Ultimately, only you can determine that. But we can be supportive and help you think things though. Especially with the help of people here on EC who have been through similar experiences.

    The main thing now is to neither panic nor lose hope. Just deal with things day by day.

    I hope this helps a little.

    QR
     
  11. DelightfulWave

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    Thanks for the thoughtful reply. To answer your questions:

    1. I married him because he is a good man and I thought I could have a stable and enjoyable life with him. I wanted the type of traditional family I never had. If I always had to be 100% honest part of it was trying to escape my abusive and dysfunctional family as well.

    2. I can say with certainty that I love him, but I have come to realize that it isn't a sexual kind of love and he even agrees that our love is an emotional thing and not really sexual. Of I lost him I couldn't bear it. But we don't have a sex life. He told me he isn't really into sex and doesn't see that as a big deal, but sex is really a big deal to me.

    3. I didn't marry him simply to get away from homophobia thought that is a factor. I've had homophobic reactions when I came out as bisexual to my friends. I thought being bisexual was meaningless since most bi women marry men so why even bother being out. I didn't tell him I was attracted to women until recently. Queerness was a level of hard I didn't want to deal with.

    4. He knows I like women and told me he doesn't care if I get a gf. But also said I need to do that before we have a child because he doesn't want to be a part time parent if I decide I prefer women. Other than that we are very close but often avoid any heavy topics.

    5. I have no idea how he would react. He shrugged it off when I said I liked women.

    6. I don't want to lose him. I have no friends or family besides him. But I also really want to experience being in a relationship with a woman. I fear making to wrong choice and missing out on things. But I'm already missing out on having a sex life. I'm afraid I'll have to be celibate for the rest of my life. I'm afraid that maybe I really am just bisexual instead of a lesbian and my attraction to women is now more intense because of my lack of sex life. I'm afraid of missing out on motherhood. I'm afraid that no woman is going to want someone like me and that I could never fit in with the lgbt community.
     
  12. silverhalo

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    I think its tough whichever way you look and I know that isnt really very helpful. Have you considered going to therapy, perhaps on your own and also together with him.
    As you wrote above it sounds like potentially exploring your feelings with a woman whilst being with him might be an option but I would say if you go down that path then you have to be prepared for all outcomes, because it may be at some point there is no turning back.

    Are there any LGBT groups nearby that you could join?
     
  13. McLate

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    Hi DelightfulWave
    Your dilemma strikes a chord with me. You obviously love your husband even if you both realise it's not the full on romantic/sexual type of love and so you don't want to risk losing that strong relationship. By avoiding the heavy topics, you are not then able to be fully open about how you feel and this might be true for him too. This probably leads to some anxiety/ negative thoughts/ unhappiness. You have started the conversation with him about your sexuality and maybe you need to find a way to gently continue that and allow space for him to express his feelings. Hopefully you can both then be better informed on how you move forward. I know that is hard as I am also trying to find a way to have this conversation with my wife.
    Maybe sometimes things need to be difficult before change and progress can happen
     
  14. Quantumreality

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    Hey @DelightfulWave,

    Thank you for answering my questions.

    I agree with @silverhalo and @McLate to a degree. I think you should definitely consider looking for a local LGBTQ support group to help you out.

    None of us can tell you how to live your life. We can only provide advice based on what you tell us and our own life experiences.

    It sounds to me like you need to explore your sexuality with another woman. And it seems that you have your husband’s permission. That’s actually not all that unusual. One of my best male friends, who is Bi like me, has his wife’s permission to pursue that side of his sexuality – but only with other guys, never other women. It means that you have open permission from your spouse to explore your same-sex sexuality. That’s a very good thing.

    From what you said, you currently rely on your husband to ‘bring in the bread’, so to speak. Do you have skill sets that would potentially/long-term allow you to live on your own (with or without the support of a girlfriend/wife?

    If you ultimately decide to go out on your own with a woman that you love, you and your husband would have to divorce. That’s a scary thing, but given what you’ve said about your husband’s attitude towards your expressed sexuality, that might not be a big problem.

    As far as having kids is concerned, many LGBTQ parents either adopt kids or have a donor who makes kids possible for themselves. In your case, if you leave your husband on equitable terms, perhaps he would even agree to be a donor to either you or your significant other – it can be done via invitro processes, without the sexual act.

    Just some thoughts,

    QR