I'm sorry, this will be another depressing post because I'm always depressed so makes sense that every post from me would be depressing... I feel like cutting again. I haven't cut since last year. I don't know the specific date that I stopped but I know I haven't cut this year at all. I tried to...meaning I held the blade at my skin and tried to will myself to do it but I couldn't. But I still think about cutting all the time, even when I'm having a not so bad day I still think about it. And sometimes I listen to songs that reference cutting or suicide...not because they specifically reference it, just because I like the songs and it makes me miss the feeling. I miss how I used to feel after I cut. I've looked at photos people have posted of self-harm or scars and I don't know why, I used to like how it looked on me even though it's horrible. I know it's bad to want to cut yourself but sometimes, I just don't care. I just miss doing it and I feel like I don't care how self-destructive it is. I think it's because I've been in a worse place recently...like usually, in the past, I would have periods of ups and downs but recently it's been one big down. Maybe since July last year, around that time. I think about suicide a lot and I think like, if cutting is the one thing that's going to keep me from that then maybe it's not so bad? I mean, I don't know that I could ever kill myself...I'm kind of scared of going to hell even though I don't really believe in that stuff...I'm 99% sure that nothing will happen but there's that 1% chance that all that is real which scares me. Anyway, I'm sure no one cares about my views on religion so I'm not going to ramble on. Like yeah, I'm going back to therapy on the 23rd or 24th of this month...I don't remember the specific date but I have it written down. But I don't feel like it's going to help, they always give me some bullshit advice. And I'm already on meds so don't worry. But I was looking on tumblr the other day, which by the way I don't usually use but it's good because a lot of people there are as depressed as I am so I guess I feel less alone. Even though some seem to glorify suicide and self-harm so I don't know how helpful it actually is. Someone posted a quote by Vincent Van Gogh and I think it was from the last letter he ever wrote to his brother before he died and it was, "The sadness will last forever." That's basically the best way to some up how I feel. I feel like I should've gone through several periods of mania and depression by now and it's just not happening. I've never felt so depressed for so long and I'm scared it's just going to last forever. I can't see myself ever being truly happy again and I don't know what to do.
That sounds like it is really difficult to go through. It's also understandable to want to cut again but the truth of it, it will only make things worse and it would be better to go in a more healthier direction. I think maybe bring up how you're feeling at therapy and see how it goes, it could be better or different depending on the professional. Not all are a right fit and some are different than others. Also if you find the medication isn't working or anything, maybe bring it up to them as well and see if they can try a different type, hopefully that could help. It's okay to be scared that it will last forever, it won't but it may feel that way right now, and it may take a long time to figure yourself out and feel good about things again, and it may take awhile to find the right approach to dealing with your mental health but as long as you have breath in your lungs then there is always a chance you can end up on a road to healing. I hope things do turn out well though.
I'm so sorry you're facing such a hard time at the moment. <<<HUG>>> The "good" thing about depression is, it's temporary. Even though your episode has lasted for quite some time, it will pass. Like @Emmareld said - Maybe you need a new therapist or need your medications adjusted or changed to something better. And regarding self harm: I struggle with those thoughts on a daily basis. Basic stuff in my life always look good for a "tool" to self harm with. I won't go into specifics, but I've been quite creative with what I've used previously to self harm. It's not easy dealing with those thoughts when there is just so much "potential" out there, common things. Anyway, I understand the feeling you get after self harm. When all you're feeling inside is numb, self harm makes you feel something, but as you know, it's not a healthy coping mechanism. I would NEVER advocate self harm or suggest it as a way of dealing with difficult emotions, because even the most "innocent" forms of self harm can become life-threatening. I think you realize this too, based on what you've written. Is there anything you enjoy doing? Maybe you like drawing, writing, painting, repurposing recyclable things by using it to create something you could use? Maybe you'd rather lose yourself in a good book, or in a good video game? Anything that can help take your mind off of self harm. I know it's hard to find joy in things when you're that low and out, but maybe just going for a brisk walk would help, as exercise releases endorphins (the "feel-good" hormone). If baking's your thing, why not bake a cake or muffins/scones? Really ANYTHING that can take your mind off of the negative things, at least for a few minutes. Please don't hesitate to write to us, either on here on in a PM, if you need support. We're all here for each other
I used to cut quite often, and I remember the feeling. I understand it can feel like a form of relief. The problem is, that it doesn’t solve the basic problem... and soon enough you end up feeling just as shitty as before and like you need to cut again. At the end of the day, it doesn’t help. I have to say, first of all, that it does get better. I know you can’t see it right now and that’s okay. But eventually you’ll get there. It’s a good thing you’re going back to therapy. The reason you cut is because right now, this is your main coping method - it helps alleviate the feelings of depression at least temporarily. Problem is, like I mentioned earlier, is that it doesn’t help in the long term. The way out is to learn new coping methods that can help you actually cope with what’s going on. When you really feel like cutting, try distracting yourself - go for a jog, talk to someone, listen to music, write. In my experience, a lot of time the urge disappears once you get engaged in something else. If absolutely nothing else gets your mind off of cutting, try the ice cube trick - it doesn’t hurt your body in an extreme a way as cutting does, but it does give a physical sensation that shuts the urge down for a bit. You are absolutely doing the right thing by getting help. This will not last forever. Take care.
