Fear of commitment to accepting a trans identity

I relate... even after transition I struggled between "do I really need this transition/am I just a feminine gay man?" It can be hard to untangle these feelings.

Have you tried exploring some femininity in any of your relationships to men?

Do your physical male characteristics bother you? Do you feel like you wish your body had female characteristics instead? Do you think it would improve your life if that were the case?

I think at the end of the day, you're the only one who can know. Just, listen to the inner "voice" that is telling you this. What is the message you're hearing?

I liked this trick... if you imagine a movie about your life, where would it go from here?

Either way, there's not really a contradiction in your history... you came out as being attracted to men, and either way that's the case. So don't be too hard on yourself!

Maybe (or maybe not,) this is just you uncovering another level of your identity? Self-discovery is always an ongoing process.

 

This struggle resonates with me as well.

At some point I realised that yes this is what I wanted (even though the exact reason as of why still eludes me, i only have several hypotheses) . Not being physically a woman made me beyond miserable, and a good part of my mental energy is being spent each day just to counter balance that.

I realised that however the ONLY things holding me back so far were
- Disapproval / physical danger from the surrounding society / family . ( I dread the idea being abandoned because of who I am)
- Earlier in life : lack of resources
- Now: fear that the current procedures may only allow my body to be a caricature of who I wish would have been, which takes me back to the idea being abandoned because of who I am, and further exacerbates the dysphoria.

What pushes me to go forward with the transition is the idea that currently I cannot really be a healthy friend/companion/partner/lover for anyone, if each single day I spend so much energy just to dissipate the dysphoria and act normal. If I do that I am left with a lot less energy offer outwards, and that's not fair to the others or myself. I feel mentally handicapped in regard to being able to radiate happiness around me, even though I try so hard to do it. So how do I remove that handicap ?

If only I could figure out to dissipate that dysphoria without having to alter myself physically I would take it in a heartbeat. It would be the easiest fix. That's why I have spent so many years (and money) in therapy trying to do just that. I so wanted this to happen. I prayed for it to happen. I tried to make it happen by force of will alone. I'm approaching a point though where I need to face that transitioning is the only alternative left, if I ever want to have a chance to be happy with who I am and thus able to offer healthy love in a couple.

By not transitioning I condemn myself to being alone, or to keep trying to form a couple were I put this weight on my loved one, and bring them down (and if we have children, maybe unintentionally psychologically mess them up too ) with this dysphoria/depression for the rest of my life. That does not sound like a life well lived, does it ? It does not seem like something a loving person/parent should ever do to their loves ones/children. that that's why I converge on the idea that I actually must transition to have a chance to be happy.


Does this help ?

 

I experienced this some. I started to notice my gender issues when I was in a long term relationship with a woman, and I kept having these feelings of wanting to be a man. Going so far as to ask her if she would love me if I was a man. And all this was before I knew what being transgender honestly was. then over the years little things here and there have solidified my feelings. But I'm also in a unique position in that, for now, I don't really feel the need to transition physically. That doesn't make me any less of a transman, I just have a different experience with my identity. I'm happy just being myself and that's enough for me.