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Fathers Day

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by OnTheHighway, Jun 21, 2020.

  1. OnTheHighway

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    My kids are young college student adults. They have not had a relationship with me going on four years (if I even have the timing right).

    I remember clearly the the final family therapy session with them when they told me they did not want to have a relationship with me. I was expecting the discussion to come at some point, well before they even said it to me. In anticipation the family therapist and I spoke and I agreed I would respect their wishes should it come to pass as it did. It was one of the risks I thought could happen after their mom and I split up following my sexual awaking and my decision to live my truth.

    A combination of factors are responsible: I went through a selfish phase following my sexual awaking after 19 years of hiding behind the closet wall; their close bond growing up with their mom while I focused on my career in order to both provide for my family and hide from my truth; and their mother’s religious and conservative family whom embraced my kids and took them in as a family surrogate father following our split up all contributed. However, regardless of the contributing factors, I am solely responsible for their lack of involvement with me.

    I have accepted that they may not open back up to me for years to come until they have their own families and mature some more. I have accepted that. While my wife no longer engages with me, her relatives often reach out and we have coffee just so a link can be maintained. But they want to maintain the link with me more than I do with them at this point, however I agree to these get togethers both out of courtesy and to ensure the door remains open.

    I am comfortable with myself knowing I was a good father prior to splitting with their mother. Maybe one day they come to the same conclusion. In the meantime I don’t let their desires interfere with my ability to live my life. I wake up living my truth and I am happy with the person I now am; I wish for them to have the same happiness for themselves.

    Its Father’s Day. I will always have a place in my heart for my kids. And I am confident they will go through today and think about me. For all of us, its a day of reflection.
     
    Vega222, quebec and case121 like this.
  2. Contented

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    My hope for you is that at some point you and your children will find a path forward to resolve the rift. Happy Father’s Day.
     
  3. Spaceman

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    Wishing you the chance to reconcile with your kids in time. They must know in their hearts you were a good dad. Keep your head up and the door open for opportunities to reconnect.
     
  4. mellissa

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    I'm a little late but I want you to know that someday your children will understand. We kids love our parents and will forgive anything. You are so amazing and mature for being understanding of your kids need for distance. I wish you a happy-belated Father's Day.
     
  5. brainwashed

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    If its any comfort, at least you had the opportunity to become a father. There are some gay people out there, who were so impacted by trauma and abuse, (me) they never had the opportunity to have offspring in their lives.
     
  6. OnTheHighway

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    I never want to reach a point of indifference, as that would be a step too far with the emotional doors hard to reopen if they ever were to come around. The balance is to be in a place where I can keep the door open but recognize we all need to live our lives. I do believe I have found such a comfort zone.

    To your point, I would argue maybe it is never too late? I understand how blood offspring can be difficult at a certain age. Saying that, there are many kids in the social system that would appreciate finding a family to call their own - regardless of how small that family is. So I get the prospect of having a family if the desire is there and strong. Last week I was having a coffee with a lesbian woman in her early sixties. She is single and acts as a foster parent to a child in need, and she recently started participating as a foster parent only a few years ago. She is of modest means and lives in a modest apartment which means she is making real financial sacrifices in order to participate. I found her involvement at her age to be courageous and giving. She seems very happy having decided to participate as a parent in the foster program.

    Prior to going into law enforcement, my boyfriend was a social worker at a local state foster agency. We have talked about getting involved ourselves, as he would want to foster then adopt a child as a path for becoming a parent. Prior to my coffee last week with my new friend I was of the mindset that even at my age I would not be suited to pursue parenthood again; but then again, after listening to her my mind is now contemplating the idea. Of course I am not putting the cart before the horse and first I want to see how my relationship evolves with my boyfriend (I know I would not want to do it on my own), but the seed has certainly be planted.
     
  7. brainwashed

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    Really good feedback. I KNOW I'm still in the self loathing phase of past abuse and I'm gay thing. Working hard to snap out of it. I get really pissed at myself for letting "others" who did this to me win so far.
     
    #7 brainwashed, Jul 4, 2020
    Last edited: Jul 4, 2020
    OnTheHighway likes this.