Ok so this is embarrassing but in going to put it out there. I'm also going to bring it up with my therapist. I've been identifying as gay for a few months now. Was sure that I was was but struggled to accept it. However I found myself getting turned on by straight porn. It scares me that I've made a big life change but don't understand how I can get turned on by straight things. Have I just made it all up or I guess maybe there's just an element of bisexuality in me. I just want to be happy with whatever sexuality I am but feel like I'm not able to live comfortably one way or the other. Can anyone relate? I've turned my world and others upside down because of this. I've not been able to get really comfortable being gay yet. ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 11:17 PM ---------- I've been having trouble getting turned on by gay things at times but out this down to internalised homophobia and not being comfortable with being gay. Could I have got it all wrong?? I guess I didn't grow up fantisising about men so makes me think I've made a huge mistake. ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 11:39 PM ---------- Or am I best just not having a label right now while I figure this all out? I was sure looking back over my experiences and thoughts that I was gay - hence coming out - but then I ask myself why I put myself thru all this pain if it was for nothing. Then again one swallow does not make a summer I guess and I should try not to worry too much. I'm on a journey to figure out my sexuality I guess but surely it should be more obvious? ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 11:43 PM ---------- Mind you I've made my bed so I should probably lie in it for a while. My bf does know I've struggled with this so its not exactly news to him. Maybe this is just a little hiccup along the journey but I just can't get comfortable with myself being gay or straight.
It just seems so annoying and ridiculous that something that should be obvious is so difficult to get my head around or settle upon. I know I'm venting here but it's very frustrating. ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 11:55 PM ---------- I think it prob easier just to identify as gay.
Don't worry about venting. It is frustrating. I know what mean, it feels like it should be so simple. When you're turned on by straight things, what are you focused on? Would actually want to have sex with a woman? I can relate to your struggle a bit. Up until recently, most of my fantasies involved men, but they weren't about men specifically, and I wasn't focused on male bodies. It was more I didn't really let myself think about women because I wasn't comfortable with it.
Not sure porn is the right indicator. A better indicator is what you fantasize about when you are masturbating. Definitely a topic to cover with your therapist as you suggested. Sounds like your still negotiating with yourself; and you might be right, the internalized homophobia is most likely playing a role. As you are aware, years of social manipulation really makes it hard to both figure out and accept our sexuality. Seems like what your experiencing is consistent with what others have experienced (including myself).
With straight porn it wasn't particularly anything. Just the act of a man and women together. It was just the act of two people together. I guess I would have slept with the women (as I have done before) but it really was more the act of two people having sex that turned me on. I am still negotiating with myself that's true. ---------- Post added 2nd Aug 2016 at 12:42 AM ---------- I do however have to fall back on why I thought i way gay. Yes I could have sex with girls but I've ended up being depressed because of them. I would have gay thoughts a lot of the time but pushed them away and would ensure that any fantasy I had was straight not even contemplating that I could be anything other than straight. I have to remember what made me unhappy and why. Because I was with the wrong gender, whether or not I could perform or have sex with them is really irrelevant if fundamentally it didn't make me happy and required anti depressants.
i guess the thing is that the getting turned on by the porn did seem kind of natural, and not forced, whereas the gay thing has not seemed completely natural to me at times.... i guess i just need to keep on going, experimenting and maybe things will fall into place...
Now focus more closely on this. What were you focusing on, watching "the act?" About 5% of the time I'll watch straight porn, and when I do I find my attention is almost completely focused on the male. In my case what draws my attention to a straight porn is when the actors are doing things (positions, etc.) that are less frequent in gay porn. In other words, that day I'm looking for something different. The other suggestion above, that you focus on your fantasies when you masturbate, is an excellent idea. It does sound like you're trying to force your thoughts into a preconceived notion in some ways. Explore the messages your urges are giving you, and you'll find the answer.
thanks faustian. i guess i've already said to myself i'm a little bit bisexual in terms of being 'able' to have sex with women, this just through me a little as it was very pleasurable (sorry - too much information), throw in the fact that gay sex im finding a little uncomfortable at times and hey presto you've got big doubts about what i have done in breaking off my straight relationship.
