I was nearly thirty when I realised (or admitted to myself) I was attracted to men; and it's even more recently that I've started fantasising, sometimes kind of obsessing, about ... dressing as a woman? *being* a woman? being "something other than a man"? This is where I start getting in a muddle, my mind racing from one extreme to another - what would it be like to walk down the street in a skirt? what would it be like to have breasts, or to not have a penis? what would it be like to be just as I am, but more feminine in my choice of clothes? what if this is all just insecurity about my body, and nothing to do with gender at all? In recent years, I've become more confident buying brightly coloured clothes. I've experimented with makeup - first nail varnish, then eye shadow, mascara, occasionally some purple lip gloss I really like the colour of. But still the fantasies come, "could I go further?" A while ago, I bought two dresses online; I've worn them around the house, looked at myself in the mirror, and it felt ... sexy; exciting, but like a roller-coaster is exciting ... and also somehow "right", in a way that I don't understand. I don't know if that feeling is a "real" gender identity, or just the thrill of transgressing, not conforming to the bland masculinity I see around me - but I want to explore it further. But then I've got kind of stuck - I want to try other looks, other pieces of clothing; but I don't know where to start. I've walked round women's clothes shops, but always left without buying anything, because I don't know what I'm looking for, what would suit me, or even fit me. I wish I had a female (or cross-dressing) friend I could confide all this to, get tips from, go shopping with. Or just a housemate whose clothes I could try on, without having to commit time and money to buying them. Should I just go crazy, buy a dozen outfits, then give them all to charity if they don't fit? Do I need to swallow my fears and try something on in the shop? Or do I just give up trying, and admit it's just a fantasy?
Hi CalmTree, I am yoda and my story are kind of like yours. I really, really, really want to live my life as a girl, when I chat or play games online, other people would always say I act like a girl. I also experienced the amazing feeling like happiness when others treated me as a girl. But physically I'm a man and I'm very unconfident to change my appearance because I'm tall and my face is masculine, which is far away from the appearance of myself in my fantasy. Instead, I view my man's body as my mech, and I, as a girl, lives in this mech and need to take care of my lovely mech. I'd like to share this to you and hope it can provide a new point of view to you. Nevertheless, I can also decorate my mech like wearing a ring or use pink colored cellphone, etc., which can be accepted by the people around me since I'm not out to anyone yet. I don't recommend you to buy a dozen outfits because it costs much money. Maybe you can try to buy several outfits you like online, and get more experience of dress up for you. One step at a time~ You are free to try something on in shop as long as you are ready for this. But there's no need to push yourself if it makes you uncomfortable now. We have a lot of time right? We can give up at anytime if we are tired or afraid. But we can also pick it up when we'd like to try it. What you like is not a fantasy, it's true and it's you. Or to say the least, maybe our life itself is a big fantasy? haha
The title of this thread caught my attention. Is what passes for "reality" always real? Is what passes for "fantasy always fantasy? All humans are born naked. The way we dress, adorn the body, and much of the way we act, is taught to us by the culture we are born into. i sometimes wonder if the "theory" of human sexuality being on an infinite spectrum should be applied to humanity in general, not just to sexuality? I.e., i believe their are infinite variations and expressions of gender, or attributes typically assigned to gender like "masculinity" or "femininity," or___________. As i see it, the desires/needs expressed here are real and those who hide who and how they are behind a socially acceptable facade, are the ones living a fantasy.
I went through this phase and currently alright with my current crossdressing. If you're stuck trying to find out what works together or fits I recommend getting a tape measure to figure out your size and doing some research online how to properly measure because women's clothes to men's clothes are different the way they fit. As far as fear of wasting money you can always go to second hand stores to experiment with different looks it can become a bit expensive to buy new or brand name stuff especially if you are unsure you like it or not. If your looking to shop in person I normally go when the store opens on a week day a lot less people there and the staff really don't care. I've recently just been trying on women's jeans to see what my fit would be like. I've never been harassed or bothered by staff. Now the other option is to buy stuff online and do store pickup then return what you don't want or didn't fit. I would caution finding others online to help you though so far all I've run into on the online space is people with other motivations rather than helping you. Online is good for just info on how to find clothes that fit or what would look good I normally ask other crossdressers because they probably have gone through the same struggles I have and found a solution. I'm still learning about fashion and makeup at the moment most my info comes from other CDs. I've been through a questioning phase about gender as well which made me extremely depressed unfortunately and I found that going to places that just confirm anything I was feeling that I was trans deep down inside wasn't really helping me. I came to a conclusion I am probably just a feminine man and I'm ok with that. Wearing women's clothes or wanting to wear them doesn't necessarily make someone trans I would just try and enjoy whatever feelings it gives you without putting a label on it. I hope my insight helps
I think a lot of the other replies have offered a lot of wisdom. There are just two things that I want to add: 1. Everyone has ideas of how they would like to be, and thoughts become words, words become actions, and actions become who you are. Fantasy and reality are actually very related. When I was in fifth grade, I had a fantasy of me sitting in a coffee shop in paris speaking french. So I decided to take French as the language I studied. The same can be true of your gender identity. Fantasy really just means your brain telling you what you want, so it shouldn't be discounted. That being said, you don't have to know right now. 2. I agree with Jamie334, buying a lot of clothes probably isn't the best course. I would suggest maybe doing clothing rentals? There are a variety of places both online and in-person that can let you try things for a fraction of the cost. You can also just go to stores, try things on, and only get stuff if it fits. You can measure yourself to figure out your size beforehand.
Sorry for the repeat messages. The wifi wasn't working so I hit the post button multiple times, resulting in multiple messages. Please ignore.
You could also go to drag shows, cross-dressing LGBT groups, drag comedy hr, and drag night at bars to meet people. There are also LGBT social apps to connect and make friends. There are also LGBT map apps that show you lists of LGBT friendly places, spaces, and stores you can go to. So you could find a clothes store there with employees who can help you shop and give you pointers. You can even call LGBT resource centers or community centers and they can refer you to places and information in your area.
Thanks for all the kind thoughts, and sorry for the long pause, then long rambling reply... I've been reading other threads on the forum, other people's stories, and it gave me a weird feeling reading back my own post. Whether it's just that other things have been occupying me, or whether it's some weird hormonal cycle or something, I haven't been having ... those thoughts ... as much recently. I've mentally "tried on" the label "genderfluid", because sometimes it seems perfectly obvious that I'm male, and other times I can't shake the idea that I'm somehow not, or shouldn't be. But it's interesting to hear some of the different ways people envision themselves, and maybe I'm trying too hard to find labels, rather than experiences. I had a dream a few months ago, that felt really significant. There were two people talking in the front of a car, a man and a woman; then, at some point in the conversation the man said "Oh, I see! I'm you." And the scene kind of shifted so that both people were sitting in the driving seat, sort of merged into the same space, but still with both of their faces. When I woke up, that image was stuck in my mind, and it felt like some kind of deep truth about myself. I can try to dismiss that as "just" a fantasy, but I think those of you telling me not to probably have a point: even if there isn't a "deep reason" for my fantasies going to that particular place, they clearly are part of me. And in the end, why *shouldn't* I indulge those fantasies in some way, if nobody's going to get hurt? I'd actually really love to dress up in full, outrageous drag for a night out; or have some kind of complete cross-dressing makeover for a day. In some ways that feels like it would be *easier* than taking small steps, perhaps because I wouldn't have to be "me", I could be some kind of character. In reality, though, I think I want to try a few more outfits, some skirts, blouses; I wonder what it would be like to put on a bra underneath that dress... Sorry, now I'm daydreaming again. It would also mean people wouldn't see my real body shape - I realise I'm probably member number 1 billion to say so on this forum, but sometimes I look in the mirror and hate what I see. Mostly, I see a scrawny weakling, and wish I was just a different shape. Just sometimes, I get what I guess is gender dysphoria, looking down and thinking "what are those dangly bits doing there?" The "it's just a fantasy" part of me says "because I don't like my body shape, I fixate on any alternative, like being feminine"; the "it's a deep truth" part of me says "clearly it's a sign I'm living the wrong gender"; the message I'm getting from people here is that I should try a third voice, "I wonder what things I could try that would make me feel good?"
My husband is away for the weekend (he often is in the summer, for sport), and although I haven't had many "female thoughts" lately, I really wanted to take the first chance to try some new things. I went into town, and bought a very glittery secondhand dress, although it took three visits to the shop, and I was far too shy to try it on so just had to hope. It's not a perfect fit, but good enough to be fun to dress up in. More significantly, I also got up the courage to buy a padded bra. I had to keep saying in my head "I'm not doing anything wrong" as I walked past other customers in the lingerie section. I've never tried a bra on before, and wasn't sure if I'd like it, or just feel silly. The first thing is that it's much too tight - I looked up a sizing guide before I went, but I must have measured wrong or misread or something. I'm too shy and stubborn to go back to the shop and swap it, so I've extended the back with a piece of string and two safety pins! Other than that disappointment, though ... oh my god I love how it looks and feels. I keep looking in the mirror to see the curve of my chest, or glancing down at the "breasts" under my top. My logical brain says that should feel "wrong", because that's not how men's bodies work, and I'm a man ... right? But it doesn't feel wrong at all; it's like "you have a bosom" fits right into my mental self-image, and ... that's very confusing.
I've fallen hard down a rabbit hole. The more I read about gender, the more I want to read, the more I want to explore, the more sure I am that somehow, some of this applies to me. Some of the first things I read or heard were so sure of themselves, so black and white, that I felt like I was profaning sacred ground. Posts flat-out saying "gender identity doesn't change over time", or implying that the goal is always to find and live as your one true gender. I get that a lot of that is people needing to defend themselves against worse takes, and expressing what's true to them, but ... I can't fit myself in that box, not yet, maybe not ever; and if that's the only box that's available, I guess I'll give up... But when I posted here, I got the affirmation I needed that, no, it doesn't have to be like that. So I've kept reading, kept searching. And I'm finding more voices saying it's OK to be unsure, it OK to change over time, it's OK to feel like more than one thing at the same time, and it's definitely OK to not jump from one rigid definition straight into another. Right now, I feel like I've figured out more about what I'm not than what I am. At risk of cringing when I read this in X years time: I'm not "a man". I don't think I've ever really felt that label fitted. The ways it's defined in the society I live in, just ... aren't me. I'm not "not a man", either. There's bits of me that are very definitely male - physically, socially, mentally - that I have no desire to be rid of. I'm not "a woman". Sometimes I fantasise about being one for a day, but I don't think that's who I "really" am. I'm not "just" imagining it, though. There's something going on here. I'm not "pretending" to be a woman, when I dress up in "women's" clothes. I saw a quote from Eddie Izzard, many years ago, saying "they're not women's dresses, they're my dresses, I bought them"; I love that. I'm not "enjoying a fetish". The first few times I secretly put on a dress, it felt naughty, exciting, sexy. But that's actually kind of worn off, and recently it feels more ... liberating? I'm not sure why I'm writing all this here. I guess because I'm too scared to say it out loud, and too tired of keeping it to myself.
We don’t need to keep searching for an identity or label that fits perfectly in every way. Even with medical diagnoses, not everyone has every single symptom all the time. That doesn’t make their experience any less real. It is absolutely okay to be unsure, to change and to contain more than one truth at once. You don’t need to rush into a definition, sometimes just living and letting yourself be is the most honest thing you can do. It makes so much sense that you’d know more about what you’re not than what you are and sometimes that’s exactly where clarity begins. You don’t need to be only one thing or anything permanent or explain yourself with perfect certainty all the time.
Not to be a broken record, but labels are just tools- sometimes they change and it takes time to find the right one. Have you read about any nonbinary experiences? I just wonder if looking at them would help
Yeah, that's kind of where I started last night, and although "non-binary" itself feels like yet another label that's not quite right, it led to some really empowering blog posts about how individual and unique gender experience can be. It was so reassuring to see people saying not just "take your time to find answers", but "there doesn't have to be a simple answer". Even seeing people disagree with each other is kind of liberating, because it means I can disagree as well. Because it's my identity, and why should I give anyone else the final say on what that means. Even if I eventually decide my gender identity is "man who once questioned his gender", I hope I can keep some of the energy and determination I'm feeling right now.
