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Family Problems

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by tayana, Apr 4, 2008.

  1. tayana

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    I have a lot of great things going on in my life right now. I've got a great girlfriend. I'm buying a house. My son's happy in school. There's just one downer.

    My family.

    Apparently when my son spent a couple of days with my mom, he let it slip that not only were we buying a house, but that my girlfriend was staying with us while her car was fixed. Now, he loves my girlfriend, and she's great with him. He likes it when she stays with us. They play and goof around with each other.

    When my mom found out about my girlfriend staying with us, she told my son that "she knew what was going on." He didn't tell me anything else, but I'm sure she had other words too. She hasn't been speaking with me since I got my son on the Friday after spring break. No phone calls. Nothing. I did find out last night that she had called my sister-in-law to talk about me and my house.

    My girlfriend and I had a little bit of a fight last night over the situation. It's a catch-22 no matter what I do. My parents are very unaccepting, and I've always been the "black sheep" of the family. I decided last night that I wanted to tell my brother the truth about my girlfriend before my mom said something and blew things out of proportion. I'm scared, because my brother and sister-in-law are the only members of my family that I actually trust. I don't know how he'll take the news that the friend I've told him about is more than a friend.

    I don't know what to do with my parents at all. No matter what I do, people are going to get hurt, and I don't like that. I feel like I'm being forced to choose my life with no family, or else give up my life in order to keep my family. I don't like that.
     
  2. Louise

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    This is your life and you only get one. If you are lucky enough to find someone you love and who loves you, you have a duty to yourself and to your son to be happy. You cannot live your life to please your parents.

    If you can talk to your brother, I would advise you to do so because then at least he will have your side of the story before your mum goes turning him against you, then it will be down to him to make his own decisions.

    Your happiness and that of your son are what are most important, you mum has made her choice and that is fine but she has no right to impose it on you.

    Could you give up your girlfriend? What would you do without her... become straight? Because if you give her up to please your parents you might as well become straight because what you are saying is that your parents have won and that you won't be a lesbian anymore! See how silly it all is? You cannot be something that you are not, anymore than you could become a penguin because your mum would prefer you to be one!

    I hope you can get this sorted out without too many people getting hurt. :kiss:
     
  3. sngl

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    Difficult situation. Just one thing comes to my mind.

    Your happiness is ultimately more important than that of others'. You are not doing anything wrong and you are not trying to hurt them on purpose.
     
  4. tayana

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    Louise, no I couldn't give up my girlfriend. We've already made a lot of plans for her moving in when everything with the house is final. We've been inquiring about household memberships to the Y, and things like that. I'm never happier than when she's with me, and when the kids from her previous relationship visit, it's even better. My son and the little girl have become buds.

    It just makes me angry that I feel like I'm forced to choose, my happiness or a relationship with my family. I don't understand why they can't love me for being me, rather than who they think I should be. I just want a loving, supportive family, and unfortunately, mine isn't. It make me feel really worthless, and no matter how many times my girl tells me I'm wonderful, there's a little part of me that doesn't believe her. I don't believe her because I've been condition to think those things aren't true, and it hurts because I know where those thoughts came from.

    I've been working out the whole mess in therapy, and my therapist has encouraged me to just not have any contact with my family. I'm just having a hard time letting go, and I know I shouldn't, because they don't really care about me, but I want them to.
     
  5. Louise

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    I don't say this to hurt or upset you but your family can no more be what you want them to be than you can be what they want you to be. Accept your family for who they are, warts and all.

    The only thing you can do now is change your relationship with your family, there is no reason to cut them entirely out of your life, you can still keep a part of you that is for them if that is what you need.

    Even when our families have a negative influence on our self esteem it is increadibly difficult to cut them out entirely, so don't. Just have a relationship on your terms and above all don't let your family come between you and your g/f, she is your future, your family is your past and only your present and future if YOU decide, this is after all YOUR life.
     
  6. Jim1454

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    I say - keep living the awesome life that you're building for yourself. I really think parents react negatively because they are worried about us, and they care. If they didn't care, they wouldn't react at all.

    So keep demonstrating - perhaps even more openly than you are - that life is good and you're doing well, and that your son is happy. I don't see how they couldnt' start to come around and be happy for you.

    By keeping it a 'secret' you're in a way giving the signal that even you are 'ashamed' of the situation - which I know you aren't. THAT could very well be the 'catch 22' that you're caught in...

    Hmmm - my comment has given me cause for thought - even if you don't get it! :icon_wink
     
  7. tayana

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    Louise, I'm working very hard on the things you mentioned, and I'm just going to keep looking ahead and thinking about good things. I'll concentrate on the people who can love me for me, and not worry about the rest.

    Jim, my family isn't normal, but I do understand what you're saying. I'm not ashamed of my relationship with my girlfriend, the problem is more that I'm afraid of being abandoned by my family.
     
  8. Vampyrecat

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    As Louise and Jim have said,
    Our families can react badly because they're scared for us, or because they're scared of having their goals and dreams and hopes for you abandoned.

    In a way, they see your girlfriend staying with you as the first step of losing any chance that you could be straight. So, Personally, I would tell your brother and sister in law. You said you trust them. So tell them and get their support behind you before you talk to your mum about it. It is your life, and you need to live it how YOU want to. But your mum obviously needs to understand that better.
    Hope this helps.
     
  9. Nicvcer

    Nicvcer Guest

    When I told my brother I was bisexual I was very afraid. He puts up a very homophobic front, which was really scary! But he told me that he had actually experimented with guys before, and he thought at one point that he might be bisexual. He found out though that he was straight and liked women more than anything. He told me he's not really homophobic, but he puts up that front to deter any male lookers, since he's not interested.
     
  10. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I'm really sorry you're in this horrible situation. But I would say first off that it is not you who is doing any choosing here - if you were free to choose, you would choose both your girlfriend and your family, and the fact that you can't, shows that you are not the one with freedom of choice here. What I'm trying to say is, your family are pushing you into this dilemma in which you apparently, but in fact don't, have free choice, so don't feel bad at all about the fact that some people might get hurt - it is not you doing any hurting here.

    I think you should speak to your brother - try and get to him before your mother does, or at least to try and get a sympathetic ear within your family, so that staying with your girlfriend will not mean you are estranged from him, at least.

    You cannot choose to be straight, and it is totally out of the question to give up your relationship with your gf for your family. I would also say (although I'm not qualified in any way) that complete separation isn't necessarily the way to go if you can help it, and that this should come from your family (should they horribly want it), not you. If they put a choice on you, it is not you making a choice, but them, because their demand is impossible. Once the situation is in the open, and explained, and you've said explicitly that she is your girlfriend, I'd make it clear that from point of view, you'd still like to have a relationship with your family. If they then choose to reject you because of this (God forbid), then it is their choice, not yours.

    I can understand at least somewhat the feeling of not wanting to be rejected by your family. But to be honest, it is not fair of them to put this choice on you. All you have done is fall in love with another woman. At what price do you want a relationship with your family?

    Do you think that even if there was a period of rejection/no contact, that your family and particularly your mother would eventually come round? I ask because I don't know if yours is a situation that would get worse before it gets better, or one that will just remain bad.

    Sorry that this hasn't helped much with your horrible situation, and that this post is just my thoughts, but I really am thinking of you (*hug*) (*hug*)
     
  11. tayana

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    I'm letting a big sigh of relief. I talked to my brother this afternoon and told him about my girl. He was fine with it. Apparently, he already had an idea. He's going to have us over for a bar-b-que when he gets his deck finished next month. He said it didn't make any difference to him because his wife has a lesbian friend and they were over not too long ago. I feel like an enormous weight's been lifted off, and I'm glad it all worked out.

    I know it won't work out with my parents, but they aren't very supportive of me anyway, so maybe that's for the best.
     
  12. ccdd

    ccdd Guest

    I am absolutely thrilled for you that your brother is so supportive! (!) Obviously, it's still horrible about your parents, but at least you know you have at least one family supporter. I can see how it must be an enormous relief. In an ideal world, he'd be able to talk to your parents to bring them round, but I don't know how likely you think this would ever be.

    But I think it's fantastic that you've now got your brother supporting you! Gives you a little breathing space at least :slight_smile:
     
  13. katmando

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    Hi Tayana:

    I met to put a post up a few days ago, but my computer at home is not working, so I have to use the library. Its great that your brother is excepting. I think sometimes when certain family members are not we assume that all are like that. Not true.

    On to your parents. I have 2 of the most off the wall parents in the world. I mean really off the wall.I am scared to death of my father. The man is truly ill. He owns 8 guns. They are both very messed up people. I probably should take some of my own advice, but sometimes its easier to give it :slight_smile: But I am trying.

    I keep trying to go back to my parents, because I always think this time they have changed. I think maybe this time, but they never truly do. And if they do, its only temporary, they go back to there normal self. The thing is I always land up in the same place, HURT. Really both sides of my family are very odd.

    Here is my opinion. Limit/distance how much you talk to your parents. Maybe in time you can have a relationship with them(every one says this to me, and it usually annoys me, because I know I think they want to give me hope, there is none with my parents. I really mean that) But you seem to be in a really happy relationship with the woman you are talking about, and you have a son. Those are all wonderful things. It would be wonderful if your parents were more understanding, but concentrate on all the great things you have, because you have many.

    Justin!
     
    #13 katmando, Apr 7, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2008