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Family and questioning sexuality

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Wishywash, Dec 3, 2020.

  1. Wishywash

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    Hello,
    My wife recently caught me watching gay porn. I typically watch both gay and straight porn, depending on my mood. I have since fallen into a pretty dark place. I’m constantly questioning my sexuality to the point where I’ve considered myself to be merely everything possible (good, bad, and really ugly.) I ruminate all day long about it (to a point of being unhealthy, I’m seeing a therapist and eventually a psychiatrist because of it.) I feel I probably fall on the spectrum of bisexuality but nothing fits when I say it and it all makes my stomach hurt. I’ve described these feelings to my therapist and she has even given me a chance to talk to a gay therapist. I don’t feel I identify with him either. He is a completely outed man. When I leave therapy I usually feel better for a day or so, then everything comes crashing down with obsessions again. To make matters worse I feel I can’t concentrate on what has mattered so much to me in the past, my wife and kids. I have shared so many great memories with them and for so long, nothing made me happier. I don’t think coming to terms with my sexuality will ever help anything. I feel I’ve lost the best part of my life and can’t get it back because of this battle. I want my old life back. Anyone else ever been in this space? I’m so depressed, obsessed, anxious, etc.
     
  2. maybgayguy

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    I completely get where you are coming from. My wife however has no idea about my struggles with my sexuality. I too watch gay porn but I tend to watch it almost exclusively to straight porn. It is difficult as exploring our sexuality, at least physically, will cause so much pain.

    How is your relationship with your wife otherwise? Do you enjoy intimacy with her? What has been her reaction?

    It is good that you are seeing a therapist. I think that will help a lot. It is key that they have experience with LGBT issues. Also remember that nobody can tell you your sexual orientation.
     
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  3. Wishywash

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    Our relationship is still okay. She has put up with a lot of the craziness I have caused and has tried to it behind us. I am having world’s of crazy intrusive thoughts. Stuff that I would have never considered before this happened. It feels like her finding out let loose some depression, OCD or something. I also have a family history of mental health. My therapist has dealt in these areas before. Not specific to mine but no one individuals experiences are the same. I’m also going to see a psychiatrist. If I can get just some peace of mind, quiet things down a bit in my head. I sincerely think I can get on with the rest of our lives. Our intimacy is dependent on my rampant pornography use. It’s good if I keep my compulsions in check. I also have some other issues with some childhood molestation/trauma at around 10 years old. Sorry, this book is going on and on but it feels good to get things out. I really feel like a shitty person and a train wreck anymore. I hope things get better. I miss my life before this happened.
     
  4. Wishywash

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    I have also specified to the therapist what I want my priorities to be, my family, and being less compulsive and hopefully figuring out how to change my thought processes to put these crazy thoughts to bed. She understand how much I want this work out. I think that may be helpful.
     
  5. justaguyinsf

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    I know where you're coming from with regarding to the compulsive drive to watch porn. I was also married and probably fall somewhere in the bisexual part of the sexual spectrum, although more toward the gay end. Are you taking meds to help with your mood and the compulsions? I've found them to be helpful ... there are quite a few options and a good psychiatrist should be able to help you try different combinations to see what works best for you. Good luck, man!
     
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  6. PatrickUK

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    Humans are a curious species and many of us like to know what the other side is doing, even when it comes to sexuality. Fact: some straight men sometimes watch gay porn and some gay men sometimes watch straight porn. We may not care to admit it, but it happens! In fact, it happens more now than ever before, because porn is so easily accessible online. We understand this curiosity on Empty Closets and it's one of the main reasons why we tell people to avoid making assumptions about their sexuality on the basis of porn viewing habits. That's not to say our viewing habits are completely irrelevant, but they need to be taken in context and examined as part of the wider picture. A more reliable indicator is what we think and fantasise about in the privacy of our own mind and the regularity of those thoughts and fantasies. Without the stimulus of porn, do you begin to fantasise about sex with other men on a regular basis? When you are having sex with your wife do you zone out and fantasise about it being with a man instead? Where is your own mind taking you to?

    Maybe you are on the bisexual spectrum, but maybe you are like the majority of people with a predominant attraction to the opposite/same sex and occasional (but sometimes intrusive) feelings in the other direction. Again - it happens and more of us need to be honest about it and admit that it happens. It shouldn't necessarily crumble the foundations of our life or shatter our sexual confidence, but we know it does because so many people arrive here in a state of panic and anxiety.

    I would suggest you focus (with honesty) on the thoughts and fantasies you have when porn is not part of the equation. This will provide you with a better idea of where things stand with your sexuality and may help you to have a conversation with your wife and begin to move forward.
     
  7. Wishywash

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    I can’t remember the last time I had too many fantasies? I think my porn use has deteriorated a lot of that, but when I watch pornography I imagine being the bottom at least gay porn. When I watch straight porn I imagine how good it feels to orgasm in a woman. If I could give up the porn compulsions and work on the anxiety I feel I could get a better grip. Every day I wake up feels like groundhogs day. I want my family life, my brain wants to fight with me about everything related to sexual identity. I know what I want. When I say to myself, “I want to be a good husband, dad and son.” It gives me goosebumps for awhile. Then it all fades and I am back where I started. Feeling hopeless and giving up.
     
  8. Wishywash

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    Also, as far as fantasies are concerned. Whatever they may be always end up some pornography flick I’ve watched. I currently keep thinking about being surrounded by a bunch of beautiful bikini clad women on a boat, big boobs and butts bouncing up and down. They’re making me submissive to them. Lol. Sorry. I hope this is allowed.
     
  9. Wishywash

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    One more note, I have never found men’s bodies to be attractive or a real desire to connect with men more than friendships. I can’t recall any men I feel are super hot and turn me on. I always looked at women’s bodies and found them more attractive. It’s weird. I’m clearly on some spectrum. I am going to continue therapy because if nothing else it certainly calms me down.
     
  10. maybgayguy

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    PatrickUK brings up a lot of good points. Watching some gay porn is not really an indication of much. However, if you are watching mostly gay porn then that might indicate something. Also, your fantasies without porn are good indicators too. The fantasy you outlined sounds like a pretty common, straight guy's fantasy. I identify as bi but lean as my fantasies and porn habits are almost exclusively gay. I know that if I wasn't married I would be dating men too. In other words, I fantasize about a committed gay relationship

    Real-world attraction is a little more challenging. I was talking with my therapist about this the other day. I realize that for me, I didn't let myself see men as attractive. My therapist had another interesting theory. She noted that I do not present gay and so other gay men do not typically flirt with me so there has not been that back and forth for much of my life. This rings true to me because when I travel I go to gay bars and it is really freeing. I can just let myself be attracted to and flirt with other men.
     
  11. Wishywash

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    I live in a very rural conservative area and grew up with all of those rural ideals. Man/women, etc. really enjoyed fooling around with girls in high school. I had never considered whether or not men were attractive because it wasn’t an option. That may be part of the issue. I don’t present myself as a gay man either, because I like how I act now. I like my beard, I’m pretty unkempt and don’t care about fashionable things I’d rather be comfortable. My therapist tends to think I would have had bigger desires to be with men. I did some experimenting in high school but everything between boys and girls excited me. Gave me that flutter in my stomach the first time I felt a girls private area. That still turns me on thinking about it. I also felt one time with a guy that it was exciting. He had a large member. That turned me on. So many things turn me on! Lol. My therapist seems good. She tells me to just keep focusing on how I feel. I’ll continue working on it and my true self will probably emerge, but I’m afraid to some degree who that may be, because I want my wife and kids more. I also want to make them happy. Their happiness supersedes mine. I don’t care what others say. Before all of this happened, that’s what made me happy. Being with them.
     
  12. Redwinerox

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    I’m pretty solid “2” on the Kinsey scale. There are days when I’m a 3, but really a 2. I’ve never really checked out guys in public, but have been busted countless times by my wife checking out a lady’s fine derrière. That being said on the porn side of things I tend to lean primarily toward the gay side of things. I guess the years of watching straight porn, it’s always the same.

    Speaking purely from my personal experience I came out to myself as Bi about 10 years ago and the weight that lifted off of me was immense. I’ve struggled with my sexuality from my pre-teen years until I was nearing 50. I came out to my wife shortly after that. That didn’t go very well as she has a jealous streak and she added guys to the portfolio. So, it’s been an ongoing, daily uphill battle in the intimacy department. She has a bunch of medical issues and that doesn’t help one bit. I am glad that I told her, but there are moments when we’ll be watching a show with a gay character and she gets uncomfortable because she wonders if I identify with the character.

    She’s not homophobic, as she has siblings that are gay. However, she has expressed on more than one occasion that she wished that I wasn’t bi. At least she realizes that it wasn’t something I chose to spite her. Keep going to therapy, it helps me a great deal and if the porn is seriously out of hand there is always SAA too. I explored that and truthfully if it weren’t for Covid I’d probably still be going to a meeting from time to time.

    Take care and be good to yourself as you sort things out. Stay safe and hope you and your wife can get to a good place.
     
  13. Wishywash

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    Thanks for this response. This has calmed my nerves immensely. I was afraid that after many years of doing the same thing I could suddenly go 100% gay. I am probably in the middle of the Kinsey scale. Porn has always been an issue for me. Right now sex is tough because I’m unable to get aroused without it. I’m guess long days of PMO will do that. I’m 1 day clean. If I keep my shit together our sex is great, but the anxiety of her finding out about my other half has been difficult. I am going to continue therapy because I want this to work. I didn’t marry her and want to give up. This post has been very relieving. Working on my constant anxiety about most everything will help too.
     
  14. bluehorizon

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    I know I've said this before, but folks in crisis/turmoil/conflict seldom think about it: what you are experiencing today may feel all-encompassing, but time will pass; what feels acute today will come to feel less so.

    I was married when I realized that I'm gay. The next four years were utter hell, for a number of reasons. But that was in 1977. It's barely even a memory now.

    So your job is to be as honest with yourself and others as you can, and deal with things forthrightly. Oftentimes, I note from being on this site, people get stuck because they're not open to what is; they're blocked by what they think should be.
     
  15. Wishywash

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    T
    I was never miserable in this marriage. I can say that for sure. I love the women I married. I want to work it out if possible. I’m not giving up on things right away. Thanks for your insight though.
     
  16. out2019

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    The need for more and more novelty- it's like any addiction - you need more and more to get a 'high'.
    Have you considered trying to take a long break from pornography?