I've dealt for a long time with my parent and the emotional abuse they've put me through. They're the type of person to see you fall apart and try to comfort you, get you to open up and then, use whatever they learn against you. Everything I did had to be approved. You might be saying..yeah, seems like a normal parent. You'd be wrong.. It's taken to an extreme that makes me feel like a trapped lab rat sitting in my cage waiting to be told what to do and being bossed around by someone like a 100X your size. Except, they are my size, but I feel like that rat..in their presence. I've been humiliated..subtly insulted..mocked and played off as a joke (think highschool Queen B who jokingly insults you and everybody laughs, but you just KNOW she meant it) and my personal belongings searching thoroughly. I'm a straight A student, whose mostly mute, except when it is necessary to talk, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have premature sex (if anything I was raped against my will) and I'm perfectly polite and well mannered. But, in her mind I do all these things I said I don't do and I'm constantly accused of things I didn't do. Even, if I defend myself I'd be automatically wrong. I know nothing. They'll say they care ask me about my problems, then make fun of me, or make my problem worse for me. Suicidal, trying to die? They're advice..get over it. Quit crying. If my feelings are hurt by a harsh word, or rude joke (said to lighten the mood) I'm supposed to get over it, they say whatever they want I just have to deal with it. I can't go anywhere without being watched. Do anything. Talk to anyone. All my friends have to be approved even, if they're practically perfect, but they like screamo, then they're automatically out as a friend. I have to be exactly the person they are, or I'm not good enough and I will be bullied and ridiculed. They're very toxic. Honestly..their my parent. I want them in my life. I can't shun them without shunning my entire life. But..do I want to stick around someone so toxic? I can't even have very many friends, or relationships. As everybody is extremely stressed they'll say the wrong thing in text message, or in person when we're hanging out (with her around the corner/nearby) and then, we won't be able to be friends anymore. They disrupt my entire life, control me, make me be someone I'm not, humiliate me, make me insecure and often times bully me into giving them attention by refusing to acknowledge my existence, if I don't. They even get jealous of my friends. Should I block them out of my life entirely? Except, maybe family holiday dinners? Should they know where my apartment/home is when I get one? Should I walk away entirely, or give them a chance to change when I am older? I feel extreme guilt at walking away..I keep thinking of all the good times we've had that I'll miss..like vacations together. And then, I remember being scolded over nothing..bullied..and snapped at for just being myself and having fun, bcuz they weren't in a good mood..and being unable to enjoy the trips, myself fully. What do you think I should do?
Before I say anything, I need you to stop feeling so bad. All this guilt and negativity will eat away at you, not them. They probably don't deserve your attention, so keep it that way. I'll say right away, that I can't imagine the pain you're going through since I haven't come out to my folks so they've never had the chance to bully me for it. My parents however are control freaks, uber conservative, paranoid and constantly expect me to overachieve. They'll expect me to study at an advanced level all day, perfect the instrument I'm learning, practice classical music (I sing), not waste time online (They routinely confiscate my devices and change the WiFi password) or with friends (Don't let me go to parties) and still make time to socialise with my family (all the cousins and aunts I've forgotten even existed) But this is the norm for parents where I come from so I've learnt to adapt, especially since I'm still completely dependent on them. You, however need look for a different support system, since this one's clearly failing you. Do you have friends living near you who you can confide in? EC's great but sometimes personal interaction is more efficient. Also if any of this anxiety is affecting your health, then I'd suggest you see a therapist but I'm not sure how feasible that is for you. To deal with your family, don't give them the fodder to abuse you. I know it's difficult (I'd break down if I was in your place) but you shouldn't show any weakness in front of them, especially if they're as horrible as you say. And when they insult you, don't lash out or look hurt. That's what bullies subconsciously want and your parents could be the same. Smile and go up to your room and smash the shit out of a punching bag or something but never look weak. Anger is weakness too btw. On the other hand, give yourself credit for your achievements and build on them. Feel proud of everything about you, because confidence is the best deterrent and I don't see why anyone shouldn't. Your straight As were a good start, so work hard to be financially independent as soon as possible. That should mellow down their criticism as well, once they see you're doing just fine without them. You don't always have to run off to prove a point, just show that you've got a place to run off to. And of course you'll still love them. That's exactly what makes issues with parents to difficult; you can't hate or avoid them outright. I suspect they're going through some stuff themselves and they're taking it out on you. Of course, that's no excuse. But they'll really respect you more once they see you're doing well. And if they don't, then feel free to walk away any day. You gave your best to mend the relationship, and the rest would be their fault. It's pretty tempting because they might even realise everything they did wrong and try to reconcile with you. But only after you feel amazing about yourself and have others respect you.
DreamerAsh......I am so sorry for the hell you are enduring. It is something that absolutely needs to be removed from your life. You live with your parent(s) but don't say how old you are. If you're still a minor, there's not too much you can do right now other than sharing/venting here to us...which will help some. If you aren't a minor than I would highly encourage you to get out of that house. Find a way...anyway...to get away from that atmosphere. You're writing style does not sound like someone who is quite young, so I do hope that you are old enough to leave. Go ahead and keep those good memories, but if you stay there, before long even those good memories will be totally buried by all the toxicity. Leave as soon as you possibly can. At some point you may want to consider telling them that you will not accept their negativity any longer. That they can treat you properly or simply not be part of your life. That kind of thing is tough to say, but sometimes only a shock will get through. In the mean time...stay with us here on empty closets. We're here for you...you are part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care. .....David
Blood doesn't equal good family. When you can move out on your own, your own happiness comes first. Because you can't take care of or be 100% behind someone else, unless you got your own back first. Drop them like a hot potato and focus on yourself and don't let them guilt or shame you into stuff you don't want to do. Life is too short to be miserable just cause someone is "family".
I personally believe in self above all. I think no matter what conditions you're raised in, you can always change for the better. I know a motivational speaker (now dead) named Louise Hay who got abused and raped as a child and she came from a super unloving family and she learned to have a great life in the end through changing her perspective on life. I personally believe all of us have that ability too, no matter how difficult it might be. Blaming others for your problems and saying "I can't" and staying stuck in the victim mode is what I believe keeps a lot of people trapped. It's essential for us to take ownership and not blame everything on other people. People often say "some people just can't be helped", I personally believe that it's not that they can't be helped, it's that they choose not to accept the help. For example, if someone who was schizophrenic was offered a pill, and they were told to take the pill daily but they chose not to, how can they get any better? Solution: take the pill daily. People don't like to do the so-called "hard work", but I feel it is necessary if you want to really make long lasting changes. I still go through the emotional roller coaster of life sometimes from personal stressors like college coming up soon, but I always remind myself that things can always change for the better no matter what.
Thank you. I don't have much experience putting myself first. With either family, friends or, romantic relationships. I've been around a lot of toxic relationships and I never really thought I could find anything more, or was allowed to make me importanf.
