This is much of the same except I'm a lot worse now. I mean, it's been constant for the past 4 years...however long I've been here, I've always wanted to kill myself but now it's worse. Not better. And people always say it gets better but I don't really know if that's true because I can't see it getting better for me. I'm 18 already and I'm turning 19 this year and I am probably the most unsuccessful person I know. I'm pretty sure my little brother has a better life than me and he's 16. My depression and anxiety are really bad now and I don't know why because I take meds...they don't do anything but at least I take them. And I've been trying to make my life better by eating healthier or drinking more water or exercising more but it's like the more I try to help myself, the worse I get. And I'm going back to therapy soon, I'm calling tomorrow because they're closed on weekends. But initially I quit therapy because it didn't work, they give me stupid advice and they didn't listen to me. I told this guy I don't want to be called a girl and he didn't listen. They didn't know anything about transgender people but they liked to pretend they did. But I'll go back, just so I have someone to tell my problems to, even if they're not listening. Well, the reason my life is unsuccessful is because I don't think I've really accomplished anything. I'm failing my community college course and I'm gonna drop out...my parents don't know yet and I should be more worried about it but I'm not. I'm just so tired all the time, I can sleep for like half the day and I'm still tired. And I just feel really numb and disconnected so even if they're mad at me when they find out, it won't matter. I want to quit my job too. I hate it, I get anxiety attacks every day before I go to work. Even thinking about going in, I feel anxiety about it. I'm probably going to get fired because the last two times they've tried to call me (probably to come in to work, I don't know) I've just ignored it. It's not like it really matters. They don't care, they've got like a million other employees there so I don't know why they've got to call me. I'd probably kill myself and they wouldn't even know, they'd still try and call me in to work. I don't really need to stand at a register and take abuse when I'm depressed and anxious enough already. I can't even really go out in public much...I mean, I can but I get really anxious about it. I don't think I'd call it an anxiety attack but close to that. I feel like I'll never be able to complete a college course or hold down a job because everything just feels so insignificant to me. That's basically how I feel about everything...like I try to have hobbies but it feels pointless because...well, there's no point. I'm going to die, even if I live to an old age...that's only like 70 more years which isn't a long time at all when you think about how long the Earth has been around for. Nobody cares and when I die, no one will care about anything I did. People won't even remember me like in 100 years I'll be nothing. Sometimes I feel like what's the point in postponing your death and trying to kill time until it happens when I could just get it over and done with. Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead because I wouldn't suffer anymore. Like I'm worried I'm just never going to get better and the only option for me is dying. And I think about relapsing and cutting all the time, the only reason I don't is because I don't want to restart an addiction but I feel like sometimes it doesn't matter because if that's the only way I can cope then so be it. I only have one real friend, maybe two others I don't know if they'd say we're friends or not but I'd never tell them this because I don't want to burden them. So stereotypical I know. I don't even know if I'll be able to tell the counsellor because I have social anxiety obviously and I don't want to cry because that's embarrassing. And I'm worried they'll make me go to a psych ward. That's all the reasons I'm failing at life, I wish I could get better but I don't know how, I wish someone would tell me something to help but I can't even help myself. Maybe I just wish someone would tell me they understood how I felt.
It's important to remember you are only 18 so there is still plenty of time to sort things out and have a great life. The fact that your eating healthier and exercising more is good because that is the first step to feeling better. It's going to take time to get your life to where you want it, and your going to have to go through a lot of pain to get there. But it's worth it because at the end of the tunnel, life can be very rewarding even though it can really hurt sometimes. We only have 1 life and we have to fight to make the best of it. I have suffered from social anxiety my whole life and have recently got a lot better. The key is not to run away from anxiety, you have to face it head on. Sometime I do things only because it makes me anxious because I know that will make me better. So in my opinion you should go to your job because it's important in life to try your best at your job, even if you hate it, because that will allow you in future to get a job you do enjoy. If your dropping out of college only do so if you have something else lined up, otherwise endure the course, because you will better off at the end of college course than if you had quit. I remember going to uni and wanting to quit because I was depressed, suicidal and anxious. But I kept going and now I'm much better off because of it. Tell your friends how you feel, it won't be a burden. They will want to know if you are suffering and you feel better after talking to them about it. The pain you feel now will make getting to where you want to be all the more sweet. "It's get better" is misleading, "you can make it better" I think is more accurate.
