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fact vs identity

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by AliceSlick, May 19, 2020.

  1. AliceSlick

    Regular Member

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    Location:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
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    I'm not sure exactly where to put this since it could easily go here or in general or gender identity, and if the mods want to move it that's fine.

    I am technically trans, due to an accident of birth, and I accept that. I'm not ashamed of it or anything. But I've never been particularly comfortable in trans spaces or groups, not because of anything they did to make me feel unwelcome; It's just that being a woman has never been nearly as important to me or as defining of my life as it seems to be for most trans women. I am female and I do want to be referred to that way and seen that way, but I identify much more as a lesbian than as either trans or female. It is somewhat of an oversimplification to say that I only care about being a woman because it's a necessary prerequisite of being a lesbian, but not by much. At first I thought this might just be some kind of sexual fixation, but over time and through therapy, I have realized that it's more about identity than sex. I don't "fit" among women in general or trans people in general because I have too many masculine traits, and I don't feel I fit in the nonbinary or male spaces cause I'm too feminine. so, the lesbian identity feels like a sort of Goldilocks zone where there's enough of a spectrum to let me be flexible, but it fits tightly enough that I feel like I belong. Plus there are a bunch of humorous synchronicities in my life that kind of go along with this: I was an Indigo Girls fan and modeled myself on Amy Ray long before I realized that either I was trans or they were gay, the two most serious crushes I had in high school were on women who turned out to be gay (one who didn't come out til later and one who I was jealous of cause I thought at the time that I couldn't have what she had because I was born male) and, even before I knew exactly what my identity was, almost all of the queer narratives in media that I latched onto were about lesbians. Also, while I'm confident that this is not just some kind of sexual obsession or fetish, part of the reason I latched onto those narratives is that the central experience I had that showed me something was off was a consistent and mysterious disgust at the particulars of sex, which I eventually realized was less about sex than sex in a male body. It was when I finally started to see that experience mirrored back at me by lesbian characters (the first I can remember being Alex Danvers in Supergirl) that I finally started to feel like I might have an answer and to shed my shame .At that point, of course, transition became desirable because it was necessary for someone born in my hbody to achieve that kind of comfort with sexuality (which, again, is not about actually HAVING sex, but about te capacity to have or approach sex in a context that I'm comfortable with).

    The main source of my angst at this point (apart from obvious dysphoria) is that I feel like I'm sort of a step ahead of the culture as far as accepting types of difference. People are finally starting to accept homosexuality and gender nonconformity, but it feels like the culture as a whole is still trying to process the idea of the gender spectrum, and someone like me who IS trans but doesn't identify with it, feels like it's just beyond most people's comprehension at this point. Now, that's great in the sense that I can be a trailblazer, but it's also discouraging in that it took me so long to even figure al this stuff out, and now I still don't fit.

    I don't know what exactly I'm looking for here, and I half expect people to just feel like I'm splitting or being too picky or rigid or something, but my therapist suggested that I post about this so, there you are.

    Thanks,
    Alice
     
  2. Laurennnn

    Regular Member

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    Ok I actually have no idea if this is going to be helpful or not, but here goes:
    So it sounds like you are sometimes comfortable being a girl but sometimes feel differently, no? If that's the case, here's what I think. The gender spectrum is very fluid. You can be feminine and enby/genderqueer/agender etc. and that's totally fine - masculine and feminine nonbinary people are totally normal. It sounds to me like you might be genderfluid - sometimes identifying with a specific label and pronouns and sometimes not. But really, it comes down to how you feel. You like to identify as a lesbian - then just identify as that! Just going by that is completely normal and no one ever said having a specific gender and pronouns was necessary. Everything's a spectrum and gender/sexual orientation is no different - no one is ever 100% boy or girl or nonbinary or gay or straight.
    Identify as you feel comfortable. You'll figure out those feelings eventually!
    Hope this was helpful
    xx
     
  3. LostInDaydreams

    Moderator Full Member

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    The way I read this (and I might be wrong)...you identify more with lesbians than other groups? So, whilst you are other things too, it’s with other lesbians that you feel you fit best. Yes or no?

    The part you say have angst about...is this because other people identify you as trans first and lesbian second? And ideally, you would prefer people just to see you as a lesbian?
     
  4. Mihael

    Full Member

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    Sounds normal to me. I mean, completely relatable. I mean, I don’t identify with being gay (or lesbian, for that matter), but a normal guy and a geek, and it also feels to me that the trans community revolves so much around being trans and my life just doesn’t, I’m a normal dude with normal likes, dislikes, things important to him, interests and so forth... I just look androgynous. And if being a lesbian is what resonates with you somehow - hell, own it. You can feel like whatever resonates with you. And if someone is not fine with it, geez, why can’t someone feel a certain way? Yeah, people would go offended about how you feel and if you ask me that’s absurd.