Hi, everyone. I'm an American-born Chinese high school senior who will be graduating in one month. I realized that I may have to choose between two girls, and to complicate things, neither know I'm transgender (MTF), even though I'm quite effeminate and get "mistaken" for a girl occasionally. I say "mistaken" because I haven't taken any steps to transition except for growing out my hair. Last summer, I met the first girl, who's in middle school, as a teaching assistant for a speech and leadership summer camp she attended in Guangzhou, China. Though we didn't speak much—and I'm still trying to get her to contact me through her schoolmates—there were some signs she liked me: she was super shy around me and played with her hair, and she also asked her roommates to invite me to her lunch table on the last day but didn't talk after I came, though she stayed with me, supposedly playing on her phone, when most of the others temporarily left the table. I'm also super in love with her. I've been thinking about her before I fall asleep and right after I wake up every day for almost a year, and it's the most intense crush I've ever experienced. Whenever I get upset, I think of cuddling with her, and I am immediately comforted. Unfortunately, she has not responded to any of messages, and she lives on the other side of the planet. I'm afraid she doesn't like me, but I won't give up hope that I'll eventually talk to her, develop a close relationship, and get married. I want to be with her so much that I would say goodbye to my prospects of HRT if that were the price I'd have to pay. It would be a tremendous sacrifice, but it's so worth it. The other girl I met about a week ago during a volunteering shift that she and I both worked. We became rather friendly, and I knew from the start that she would be going to a different college—one about 4 hours away by car from the one I will be attending. She's super introverted—which for me is a plus—and since she transferred to my school this year, she's always alone (or maybe she was even like that at her old school, which is more reasonable). She's Persian, and though I've only been seriously attracted to Chinese girls in the past, there's just something about her—an air of self-confidence in the way she carries herself—that most girls, including the first girl, lack. I know only one other person like this, and sure enough, I liked that girl back in middle school; it's just so attractive! Anyway, the girl I'm writing about gets no attention from guys, I believe; I can definitely see her as a girl lesbians would love to admire. Compared to the first girl, she is much more likely to be LGBT or at least support LGBT individuals, and she's also more available, even when we leave to go to different colleges, as we're 0 time zones apart rather than 13. Since we both plan on going to medical school, we might be reunited after our undergraduate studies. I'm having a hard time deciding whom I should pursue. Perhaps the first girl since I have an intense crush on her, but perhaps the second since she's my age, so I can expect more maturity. But then again, I've crushed on the first girl for much longer, but maybe the second since I've actually talked to her in private. But the first girl is Chinese, so I would be more comfortable with her in the long run, especially if we decide to start a family. But the second girl and I both have lived in American society and likely embrace more common values. Telling me to follow my instinct or something like that really won't help, because if my instincts were clear, I wouldn't be posting this. I also feel troubled because liking the second girl makes me feel guilty, in a way, of "betraying" the first girl. That makes me slightly dislike the second girl, but that feeling of dislike in turn causes me to dislike the first girl the same amount because liking her in the first place caused me to feel guilt about liking the second girl. I don't want to dislike either of them because I like them both very much; it would be silly and immature for me to nurture any degree of animosity, but at least I'm being honest about my feelings. Plus, there's the whole issue of my transition. If one of these girls likes me now, I'm afraid she won't anymore if I take feminizing hormones and change my wardrobe up a bit. This is getting kind of long, so if you're looking for a summary (or "tl;dr"), just read the paragraph immediately above.
EDIT: I tried to revise the original post, but there's apparently a time limit to do that, and I wasn't fast enough. I wanted to add a thought: the first girl might not be the best choice because of our quasi-teacher-student relationship dynamic, but the second girl might not be the best choice either since she seems to literally talk to nobody except me, and I still have to initiate conversation.
