Extremely depressed about my sexuality... need serious help. Feeling very lost

I don't even know where to start... I'm struggling so much with my sexuality, I feel like I'm stuck between my head and heart. I have completely lost myself. I seriously do NOT know who or what I am anymore. I've been sure about my sexuality for years. I knew I was a lesbian. Pretty girls would be me weak. They still do. But I feel like I don't want to be a lesbian. Society makes me feel like it's wrong. People question you and don't take you serious and some people even say "oh there relationship won't last, one of them will probably leave and get pregnant and married to a man" and I do see that happen a lot. I feel so competitive with men, like I can't give a girl what a man can and it's even made me feel like I'm transgender. I feel like I'll never be good enough to keep a woman. I'm more of the butch/ tomboy so I like feminine women and you see it happen a lot, them settling down with a husband and kids (which is what society is convincing me I need/want). It's making me feel like there's no point in even trying in a relationship as I'll always be left. And I have no trouble pulling what so ever, I attract many girls (I have short hair and lots of tattoos, I sometimes think they may think I'm a guy) but I'm so scared to open my heart. I feel like love doesn't last. So many couples you think are in love just stay together for the kids. And I can't even give a woman kids that are half both of ours which makes me feel inferior.

I started questioning myself after meeting a woman at work who is my duty manager. She is straight. We have become really close over the last year, she would always ask me about lesbian sex and question me all the time, this is when I started to question myself. She has a boyfriend and a kid and she is always unhappy because her baby daddy doesn't give her enough sex/money/attention, he is abusive and hates me because I'm a lesbian (he even says I'm sick and not well in the head) and when I ask her why she doesn't leave she will say "because his d*** is so big and I don't want any other women to have him plus he's my daughters dad, once you have a kid with someone you should stay with them" and makes excuses. It's making me feel like I can't stay with a woman because I can't have a kid with them. We hang out all the time and she fucks with my head, a lot of people think that she is in love with me and in denial. I can't stay away from her even though I know she is bad for me. I never fancied her when I saw her but she has such good qualities and such a big heart that I feel as though I've fallen for her. I can't help it. I can't stay away, even though I feel she may be using me and is very toxic, whenever I am with her I end up spending money on her or her daughter. I've been in denial for a long time as I know she is not into women and I don't want to get hurt. This again has made me feel superior to men. She's very sexual and always asks me "HOW CAN YOU NOT LIKE D***?!?!?!?!?!?! ARE YOU MAD? HOW CAN YOU BE A LESBIAN, I DON'T GET IT, A WOMAN CAN'T GIVE YOU CHILDREN. CAN YOU REALLY IMAGINE SPENDING YOUR LIFE WITH A WOMAN" and all this stuff. It's so toxic for me to be around as she is brainwashing me that as a woman all I am good for is to lay down for a man and have his kids and then stress/obsess over him my whole life, be unhappy and die.

All I do is cry lately, I feel like I may need some serious therapy. I really have lost myself and feel as though what/who I am is wrong and it's causing me so much despair.

I'm 26, nearly 27 years old and all I do is work 50+ hours a week and get high in my free time. I'm starting to wonder if I should just give in, get married and have kids with a man? SO many people say if I go to a sperm donor I'll regret it as my kid won't know there dad. I'm really hoping artifical sperm will be a thing in the future as I do want kids eventually but it puts me off that it will be with a man! I get so scared of giving into society where people say "it's such a phase". Compulsory heterosexuality is making me feel like I need to be with a man because we can have kids naturally even though I sometimes feel like I am wired like/meant to be a man. I feel so messed up!

Any advice would be appreciated.

 

Hi there.

I think it's a mixture of both. I do get jealous of guys. A LOT. I feel like I would be more comfortable as a cis man, as I know I would probably fit that role better. It's so hard to explain. I have always been curious what it would be like to have a penis and how fun it would be to have sex with a girl as a man with a real penis. You must feel powerful, in control and dominant which I think is what I'm craving to have as I lack control in my life. It must be a cool high. I do feel uncomfortable that I would have to get pregnant to have kids. I get mad that women have to have periods their whole life, be pregnant, give birth and then the kid has the mans last name. It just bothers me even though I can't do anything about society. And it's like I'm biting my face to spite my. nose, as I do want kids, but do not want to have to use a man's sperm as that feels weird. I truly do feel like my brain is wired like that of a straight man.

I feel so confused lately. I can barely explain what I'm feeling. I just feel so confused and lost. I honestly do not know who/what I am anymore. I think my brain cells are dead from how much weed I've been smoking, along with my overthinking.

 

No, I don't have any friends to lean on and when I talk to my family about this, they don't know what to think/say. I honestly believe that everyone lately thinks I'm mad and I don't think that they even know me anymore. I feel like I'm crying out just to have someone to talk/relate to!!! I don't even understand myself. I can barely even think of what to say.

Everyone lately just keeps telling me that I look miserable. I also think that this girl likes to see me miserable but that could be my paranoia. I am very bitter towards her lately... I feel as though she has made me not believe in love

 

Hi again,

I know that not all straight men view sex that way. I guess I just feel as though life would be easier as a man. I remember as a kid being obsessed with the thought of having a penis and peeing standing up but I thought that was just curiousity. To me, in a way, having a penis represents power/control and I think that appeals to me a lot. I hate the thought of being in the girls role, I feel it is so not me yet people make me feel like I have to be that way and that bothers me, it’s gotten so bad that I actually feel degraded just naturally being a woman. When men look at me I get angry and bothered.

I don’t know why i’m so down about just being a lesbian. I don’t have bad luck with women at all, I pull a lot. I wouldn’t have trouble getting a girlfriend but I think right now it’s best that I just avoid relationships and get my shit together?

 

Thank you so much for your reply. It’s so nice to have people who get where I’m coming from. It is so so so hard when society convinces you that you should be a certain way. I’ve always overthinked so the mixture of ocd and societal pressure is overwhelming sometimes.

I don’t understand this girls motives. I think she is pretty damaged and toxic. She has caused me a lot of trust issues.