So, I just joined my local Police Exploring post and I was hoping to be out, and it is a really small group so it seems like it would be perfect, but I'm scared to be out. College, social stuff, and now Explorers. Why do I feel so scared to be open about who I am? Is it because I'm fat? Is it because of my facial and body hair? Is it the way society has conditioned me? Is it because I fear discrimination? I mean, I've faced plenty of discrimination and self-hatred, so it's something I try to avoid at all costs. Sometimes I try too hard to be quiet, stand back, keep things to myself, etcetera. You know? And I'm liking my film classes in my school, and I'm liking the Explorers program. I like them for various reasons, mostly because I find them very interesting, but I also have a pretty decent chance at getting a career I like. One of the officers in charge of the post said that I could get into the police cadet program if I played my cards right. And I also see many promising things with film. And there's so much more that I want to try/learn/do, but what concerns me is when will my fear end? I honestly feel that if I don't do sonething now, I'll stay in this purgatory forever. I feel like I need to change, or it won't ever happen. And what will happen if I do become a police officer? Or a filmmaker? Or any number of things? I need to make strides now, or I'll never be able to do anything to make myself truly happy. I can't delay this, for my heart and soul needs this, however I can't. There's always self-fear, leading to a life-block, that always gets in the way. And so I ask, when will it change?
