Exploring my gender identity after accepting my sexual orientation: Advice on gender expression

I am afab and have recently come out as queer/lesbian. I grew up in a religiously conservative family and learned from a young age that same sex attraction was "sinful." Looking back I realized that as soon as I began to experience sexual attraction, I have always been attracted to women. I didn't realize that some of the admiration I felt towards other girls was actually me feeling crushes. By the time I got to high school, my attraction towards women became so apparent that I felt a great deal of distress because I had been taught that it was "wrong." I eventually dated cishet men, married a cishet man, and had children. My same sex attraction of course didn't go anywhere, but I found ways to repress or invalidate my feelings towards women. The pandemic made me question everything about my life, and led me to come out as lesbian/queer.

Accepting my sexuality has also led me to re-examine my relationship to gender. As a young child, I strongly identified as a boy. During pretend play with my siblings, I exclusively played boy characters. I hated wearing stereotypical girls clothing and secretly hoped that I would be perceived as a boy by others. I remember trying to stand up to urinate, attempting to wear baggier clothes, and wanting to play with boys. I was frequently told by my parents, other family members and other children and adults in my life that I wasn't "a boy." I was scolded for playing with "boy toys." I was frequently told that I needed to sit more "lady like."

As I got older, but before I started puberty, I felt okay with sometimes appearing feminine and wearing dresses and other stereotypical girls clothing, but I became more of a tomboy. I didn't feel like a boy anymore, but I didn't feel completely like a girl. For example, I hated wearing bathing suits and leotards for gymnastics. I preferred wearing longer shorts and t-shirts to gymnastics and didn't understand why I couldn't participate in the gymnastic activities assigned to boys (pommel horse, rings, etc.). I do remember having some crushes on boys during elementary school and middle school, but I just never appeared "girly." While my sisters were experimenting with nail polish, makeup, different hair styles and high heeled shoes, I just never cared about participating in these activities with them.

Once puberty hit and my secondary sex characteristics became more prominent, I suffered from severe dysphoria. I panicked when I got my first period because it meant that I was becoming a woman. I hated that my chest was no longer flat and that my breasts had developed. I remember attempting to bind my chest (without having a full awareness of what I was doing) by wearing two bras, and somehow my parents found out and became extremely upset because they must have understood that I was trying to make my chest look flatter. I hated receiving unwanted attention from boys (and perveted adult men) because of my curves. I was so unhappy with my appearance because I was beginning to be treated differently by my peers and by society because I looked like a girl/woman.

Fast forward to high school and college, my gender expression became more gender conforming because I wanted to fit it. I went from wearing baggier and athletic clothes to wearing more form fitting outfits and makeup. I appeared more feminine, but it always felt like I was pretending. I learned to dress in a feminine way for work and in my day to day life, but I continued to feel uncomfortable wearing dresses or skirts.

I now identify as a woman, but as I have learned more about sexual orientation and gender, I am beginning to wonder if I was trans or at least gender expansive as a child. I do not feel connected to masculinity at all, but sometimes feel as if I have no gender. I am okay with being read as a woman and identity with women's issues because I am impacted by them, but I still have moments where I am very uncomfortable with my curves and gender. I know that I am not a man and have no desire to be one, but I feel like I identify as a woman because I was assigned female at birth. During pregnancy and postpartum, I did feel extremely connected to my female gender identity, but outside of those time periods I don't really understand how it feels to be a gender.

I want to begin exploring my gender identity, but I don't even know what this means. Do I want to dress more androgynously? Do I feel like I am non-binary? I also feel scared to begin to express my gender in a different way because I received so many negative messages when I did not conform to the binary. I want to live more authentically and accept all of me, but it feels hard when I have learned to hate myself and pretend to be someone else.