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Explain to my wife?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by DecentOne, Jun 15, 2019.

  1. DecentOne

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    Hi all,

    Quick summary of my situation: Bisexual late-middle-age man, with kids who are now adults, plus a wife who I love and she loves me. I thought I was hetero my whole life, turned out I’m bisexual and I embraced that (changed my status here at EC in May 2018). I’m having a great time being out at my distant work location (see recent post in Chit Chat). I’m not struggling with my orientation. Figured it out, glad to know. Love immersing myself in LGBTQ community when I’m away from home. I’m not looking for sex, so that community immersion is what’s important to me.
    But I’m not out when I’m back at home city with my wife since she doesn’t want others to know. Sometimes I don’t think I’m getting through to my wife. Sure, there has been some significant progress (permission to tell the kids, and folks at my job for example — it went fine). I Need advice. How do I help a wife who I love deeply understand how much I am committed to her, and how she might stop being ashamed? How do I help a wife who relies on my solid groundedness deal with the fact I’ve shifted in my understanding of self, which is like an earthquake to her? It is getting better, but so very slowly sometimes. It is more than a year, and sometimes she brings up the same fears, questions (that I’ve answered patiently dozens of times) and emotional turmoil. Ugh.

    What I’ve experienced:
    My wife helped get my self discovery started. Good.
    She said I had an issue, named it (incorrectly, but at least tried) and said I should work on it. I appreciate that.
    But then some kind of shame kicked in for her. She said I couldn’t go to therapy — I had to figure things out via research on the internet. She was uncomfortable with anyone hearing about us, even a counselor. It took a long time, but I finally convinced her I had to go to counseling, and she said I could. Really good!
    Any time I’ve come out to someone (away from our home, and with her express permission, little by little) it has gone fine (just as I predict it will), yet she is still reluctant for more to know, especially anywhere near home.

    I could type a lot here, but then it would feel I’m betraying her. We have long conversations, sometimes repeating the same ones every few months. They are useful, as breakthroughs occur, but, basically, I have the sense she is ashamed, and anything I say gets interpreted through that.

    I look at what straight spouses post elsewhere online, and I feel as if I’m living in an ethical, loving, honest way with my wife. I’m not cheating, lying, and she can ask me anything. I realize she didn’t ask for this. I’m loving her in all ways possible, and am glad about that. I’ve been with her for decades, I know her and she knows me. I want help, not for me (I’ve got that with therapist), but help for her (she did go to counseling for a bit, and will again) and help for us. How can I get help for us if she hates the idea of anyone knowing about this? I don’t feel like I can say more, but if you have a question I will try to answer. If you know a good website or article, let me know.
     
    Gayhusband and SevnButton like this.
  2. SevnButton

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    Hi @DecentOne ! I admire your ethics and integrity! You stated that very well and it resonates deeply with me: it's the immersion in the community that I crave.

    To your question of getting your wife to understand, when you figure it out please let me know! :slight_smile: I think the first part of the answer is time. The next parts are determination and willingness. Then resources. I think it helps if the knowledge and information comes not only from you, but from other sources as well. A straight spouse network, either in line or in person, would be great. the other keys are love and patience. Good luck man! I'm cheering for you and your wife.

    =Sevn
     
    #2 SevnButton, Jun 15, 2019
    Last edited: Jun 15, 2019
  3. johndeere3020

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    Sometimes the same things happen to me. One day it seems like she is ashamed of me, though she says otherwise, and then there are days like yesterday where we explored Hennepin Avenue the most LGBT street in Minneapolis. That was 80 miles away from home though.

    I think in my case anyway it a grieving process. I was stuck on shame and hate for a long time and I suspect my wife is still processing everything. Not sure how long it will take her but I am willing to wait.
     
  4. DecentOne

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    Thanks @johndeere3020 and @SevnButton

    Maybe it is part of the grieving process. Maybe it is baggage from before we were married.

    I just want her to be happy. She is not.

    The trip to Minneapolis sounds great.

    The reminder to be patient and give this time is good advice.

    I’m just gonna sit here over eating my comfort food. And then give myself a pep talk.
     
  5. johndeere3020

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