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expectations of sex

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by emmadances, Nov 20, 2018.

  1. emmadances

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    I'm 19, and ive never been in a romantic relationship before although there is a potential for one now.

    im just wondering, what is the general expectations that people have for sex in a relationship? I'm not asexual but i dont think sex is something i would want to do with someone until i really really trusted them and I think that would take a while for me because I've always been very insecure about my body and was kind of sexually assaulted by another kid when i was a kid and i think thats had a massive affect on my general psychological health.
    like what if it took me like months or even like a year before i was ready?

    from like popular culture and media hookup culture is a big thing or like people having sex before even knowing someone. and i dont think there's anything wrong at all with that for people who are confident enough to do that, but its just not me at all and yeah i guess i am kind of a "prude" but i don't think there's anythign wrong with that either.
    im just scared that whoever i'm with would lose interest and leave, but i guess if they really cared then they'd wait.

    would it be a deal breaker for you, personally
     
  2. Biguyjosh

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    Like you said if the other person really cares about you and you tell them what you said here then they'll understand.
     
  3. beenthrdonetht

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    Not a deal-breaker if you are nice enough. Cuddling, holding hands, kissing can go a long way. You have a very tolerant attitude (good on you!) and it sounds like you will know what's right for you. When the time comes.

    I said this in another thread but I'll just say it again: everybody thinks that everybody is doing everything with everybody else. But it's just an illusion. There's a (sort of made-up) term for people who want to wait: "demisexual". But it's frowned on around here, for good reason: why do we need a term to describe what is the normal, majority opinion?

    When you have strong (positive) emotions about somebody, their whole body (toes, elbows, forehead) become suddenly fascinating. :wink:
     
  4. Destin

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    I've had 8 relationships. 7 with girls, all of which we had sex in two weeks or less. One with my current boyfriend and I think we had sex in like a little more than a month because it was our first gay relationship for both of us.

    Up to two months - I'd be completely fine with it and that's within the realm of normal outside of hookup culture.

    3+ months, not so fine with it because it shows trust issues and not trusting me, it would depend on your personality if it were worth it.

    A year? No, total deal breaker, I don't care who it is - a year is an insulting amount of time to wait for something so basic and shows that the person doesn't trust me at all, so there's no point continuing the relationship.
     
  5. PatrickUK

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    In a relationship, communication is vitally important and you would need to be as honest with your partner as you have been in this thread. If you explain why sex is difficult for you, it should help, but if you just push against the idea of sex without explanation it will be more problematic.

    I don't think any reasonable person should object to taking it slowly while trust develops. Although some people have a casual attitude to sex, others regard it as something very important and significant and need a greater degree of confidence in their sexual partner. A year is a long time though and I would urge you to put time frames out of your mind so the trust and confidence can build in a more organic way. When we set arbitrary limits on anything it can have a stifling effect.

    You talked about a sexual assault when you was a kid and I'm wondering if you have spoken to a counsellor about what happened? I think it might be worthwhile because you seem to have unresolved issues connected to this event and I wouldn't wish for you to be re-traumatised during sexual intimacy with a partner who loves and cares about you. If you can move on from the past it might help you to feel more relaxed about sex.
     
    smurf likes this.
  6. emmadances

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    Thank you for your responses!

    I have never spoken to a counsellor or anyone about this, I guess its because i come from a very sex negative household, so there's a lot of shame surrounding that.
    I guess I'm gonna have to be upfront with whoever I'm with and tell them it would take me some time before I'm trusting enough then it's up to them as to whether or not they want to stick around.