Expectations of parents

I can imagine the difficulty of what you're experiencing. One of the real challenges is in understanding that even though your parents have absolutely tried their best within their own abilities to provide a perfect upbringing for you... they have actually fallen short substantially through the controlling behaviors and your father's extreme attention to the needs of others at the expense of his own family. I say this not to upset you, but simply to point out that almost none of us really have the perfect upbringings we think, but because we've never had the opportunity to experience anything else, we believe our experiences are "normal". This is no way is intended to devalue the efforts your parents have made to do everything for you, but to point out the issue: look at her statement that you are somehow "destroying her family". This is a mistaken notion, in that it is your life you are living, not your mother's. Her over-identification with you, and attempts to control you are not healthy either for you or for her, and at some point, you will, whether over this issue or others, have to set boundaries with her... and that will be very, very difficult, as it sounds like she externalizes her happiness through controlling other people's behavior.

Also, for what it's worth... in spite of convincing your mother that you're totally straight and don't have a boyfriend, the seed is nonetheless planted. When someone goes through the process of dealing with loss (in this case, loss of perception of her son as straight, and perhaps also the loss of her son as someone who can provide grandchildren), there are stages they go through: denial-anger-bargaining-grief-acceptance. From what Niagara has said, it sounds like she clearly got into the denial and anger phases. Your handling of the situation was likely the only reasonable option for survival at that point, and though it was extremely hurtful, it was probably the lesser of two evils in that moment. Nonetheless... your mother, though comfortably in denial, nonetheless likely knows the truth deep down.

I'm not telling you this to suggest you do anything different in the immediate, but to say that as this information (even though denied) continues to percolate through her unconscious, it will likely continue to impact how she thinks about things. And it is possible, even likely, that at some point in the future -- maybe 6 months, maybe 2 years -- she will come around to accept and understand that you are likely to end up with a guy and not a girl.

Also, in practical terms, BothWaysSecret took the words out of my mouth... surrogacy is increasingly popular among gay couples, and there are formal and informal arrangements. Increasingly, gay and lesbian couples are working out arrangements together to have kids and co-raise them, or for one of the females to informally surrogate for the male couple, in exchange for the male couple inseminating the female couple for their own child. Lots of options here to make your mother happy, but what's crucial is that you have or adopt a child because you want to, not because you feel an obligation to your mother. Regardless of how she frames it, that isn't something that she has a right to demand from you.

It's good you are thinking about these things and talking about them. The more you have time to explore your own feelings, the easier it will be to establish your own thoughts, set your own boundaries, and live the life that you want to live, not one being dictated by someone else. The more you continue talking about these and other issues, the more you'll understand the options available to you.

 

At the risk of making you uncomfortable (because 'uncomfortable' is where we grow), I'll give you a bit more to think about. I totally get your dad's dedication to his job. It's admirable. But what if I turn the tables: What he's essentially said to you is "I care more about people I don't know that I'm treating at the hospital than I do about my own family." There are plenty of emergency medicine doctors and nurses who manage to balance their home lives and their work lives. The fact that he didn't, if I were to analyze it, is probably because he is at some level trying to prove something to someone (often a parent, even if the parent is deceased) out of a sense of shame. If he really, really cared so much about his work... then he should not have made the decision to have a family. It's really not fair to have kids and then say "the people at work are more important than the people I've brought into this world." It's an enormous disservice to the kids, because there are other emergency physicians who can cover... but there aren't other dads that can be there at their kids' events. And that loss of attention actually has a subtle but enormous impact on the kids. It says "You aren't important enough for my attention".

Likewise, there are plenty of stay-at-home moms who have special needs kids. Actually, a friend of mine grew up in a household where his brother was severely autistic, and his parents were fostering several other severely autistic kids. Mom and dad both worked, but managed to take outstanding care of all the kids, and set reasonable but not controlling boundaries. "keeping you safe" is often a euphemism for "I want complete control over you." And "keeping kids safe" also often means sheltering them from learning from their own mistakes. And finally, her selflessness in taking care of all of you wasn't really healthy either for you or for her. Again, it externalizes her self-worth so that she views her entire value as a human being from her "work" rather than simply for being a good and loving person.

Again, I'm not trying to rip on your parents, only to give you a different, more distant perspective. Most people grow up with parents who have reasonable boundaries, and understand the importance of work/life boundaries, and their own personal boundaries. It seems that both of your parents, in different ways, struggle with these boundaries. The impact that has on you, in terms of your ability to feel and express emotions, your own sense of self, the unreasonable guilt and sense of obligation you feel... these are things that in the long term have enormous downsides for you. And interestingly, these things tend to pass on generationally, from parent to child to grandchild to great-grandchild. So often, things that appear to be genetic, because they are passed down, are actually behavioral, since the behavioral traits tend to also be passed down. (If this topic interests you, there's an amazing book called "The Body Says No" by Gabor Maté MD, that I highly recommend. An interesting and engaging read.)

So in a way, you're already making the decision to live your own life by loving the person you love. And that is absolutely awesome, even though I am sure it is in some ways terrifying. You'll have other decisions to make involving doing what's best for you vs. playing into the orchestra of guilt performed by your mother. There are no absolute right or wrong answers, and yet I think you'll ultimately be happiest if you can learn to understand the factors at play, set appropriate boundaries, and stick to them. Easier said than done, and it will undoubtedly cause discomfort (controlling people generally have no boundaries and hate it when other people try to set them). And yet, past the discomfort is the opportunity to break the cycle that has likely been handed down for generations, so that if and when you do have your own children, you won't contribute to them the problems that have been passed on to you.

You can't control whether your mother accepts you for being gay. (By the way... you said "gay" first... and I think you're probably right...) But you can live your life, be understanding and accepting of the limitations she has, which are a byproduct of her own upbringing. You can do your best to treat her with compassion, and I think that when you do, it will be hard for her to remain angry. At least, based on what we've seen here at EC over the years, the overwhelming majority of parents who are vehemently against their child being gay ultimately come around to acceptance.

I encourage you to continue thinking and talking about this (and any other issues that are coming up for you.) It's the best way to work through the feeilngs.