Hello everyone. I just found EC and am inspired to explore what some things might mean in my life. I'm a straight female and recently divorced a man that I do love. We have a daughter together and that decision was really difficult. I made that decision because I knew deep down that something was missing in our marriage. I'd always known that there wasn't a spark but we loved each other and worked so well together I thought it was more mature to marry him and work on the romance part rather than make a poor decision in partner based on passion. Over time I came to question whether or not his sexuality might be part of the issue. I asked him and he denied it. I respect him so much and I really do love him. So, I listen to his answer and hear that his not gay. I still feel intuitively that he is gay, and I remember feeling that way even before we were married. So, the challenge for me is balancing my intuition with my respect and love for him and what he is saying. It really doesn't matter for MY life what his sexual orientation is. I divorced him so that I could move on in my life and my own sexuality because I felt trapped in a sexless marriage. I did that for myself and his sex life isn't my business anymore. So why am I here talking about it? I think I just want some help from people who are more sensitive to the delicate issues involved. I want to know if it's possible he's gay even if he's saying he's not. I know that it doesn't really matter because I wasn't happy so I left and now I'm remarried and happy. But since I do love him so much I still wonder and want to make sense of what our marriage was and how it ended and what that means for him and for me and for our daughter. It doesn't validate my choices in any way if he is gay or not gay. I'm more just curious and confused about whether or not he could be gay. I understand that admitting that you're gay is not easy or always accepted. I think he knows me well enough to know that I love him just as much either way and his parents and siblings adore him and I know they would love him either way. So, it's hard to understand why he won't admit it if he is indeed gay. Then he could go on and find someone and be happy. And if he's NOT gay then why does it seem so innately obvious to me that he is??? I know that no one has the answers for me. It just feels like a relief to be able to discuss it. Thanks.
Hey there, happymom! While, as you say, it's impossible to determine his sexuality in his place... it is also quite true that gut-feelings can be pretty accurate at times. Especially gut-feelings about people we have known well for years. And your feelings do seem to fit what I have heard from other spouses of gay men and women. It does seem that in all cases, they noticed that the relationship was more of a "best friends living together" situation. Or even a "brother and sister" situation. As satisfying it can be on a friendship level, those arrangements do always end up feeling like they miss "something", for one or both of the partners. So... your experience does seem to fit the bill. Let's go with it for a moment and assume he is gay. In that case, the sad truth is probably that you're one of the hardest people for him to come out to. Because coming out is pretty hard to start with. Even if you know for a fact that everyone you know is going to be accepting, there's the issue of having been told all your life that being gay isn't normal. As accepting as your parents are about you being gay, they'll mention "when you have a girlfriend" a lot. Movies will tell you that the guy gets the girl, in the end. Fairytiles have a prince and princess. Some figure it out when they're young that this isn't going to happen for them. Others (such as myself, in fact), don't. They know that something doesn't feel right, but they bravely soldier on, doing what they've been taught is right. That's pretty much what I did until I was 25, at any rate. I knew I had certain... urges. But I decided that they were flukes. I wasn't like "those gays!". And I'd just go on and live a straight life and make it work! Except, of course, that it didn't work. But still, it took years of getting used to the idea that I was, in fact, gay. I was told I wasn't, and it took a lot of playing with the puzzle pieces to see men was what I'd be happier with. Plus, despite assurances of accepting friends and family, there is always the voice of "what if?". Coming out has risks, and it's normal to wonder what would happen if people turn out not to be accepting. For the risk-adverse among us, it often seems easier to stay in the comfortable closet one day longer and not to notice how moldy it's getting in there. Also, once you are married, not all of the marriage is necessarily a lie. There is genuine love and appreciation there! Not all it could be, but coming out to your wife can sometimes be a horribly big step. It feels like throwing away all the good that was there. And if there's kids, then it is hard not to dread giving the idea they were conceived as part of a ruse. Which obviously they weren't, but it's not an easy fear to overcome. So, if he's gay, he has inertia working against you, plus the dread of the unknown, plus the fact that you were the person he tried to go straight for. You can't overcome that all with just a "If you're gay, I'm fine with it". All you can do, I guess, is stay on friendly terms. Keep open communication. Be interested in his life without the slightest hint of a value judgement. If any GLBT topics come up, talk about them as if they were the most normal thing in the world. And accept you might not be the first person he comes out to, should he decide to do so. That's not to be taken personally, but just as a sign how hard it is. The above is, by the way, also a generally healthy attitude if he is straight after all. Because as I said before, this is all speculation. Based in some pretty good signs, though, so I'd say you're perfectly normal for having such suspicions! I hope this helped a bit! P.S. I moved this thread to "later in life". Which has a subsection of members who might have more experience in this than I have...
Filip, that makes a lot of sense. Thank you. Especially the part about how admitting to being gay after marriage and a child might seem to say it was all a ruse. I know it's important to him to maintain that our marriage meant something, and I agree. It's funny, because I had the same fears about admitting that I was unhappy enough to leave "just because of sex." I didn't want to imply that our whole marriage was worthless but unfortunately people who like to judge tend to label me that way. Our marriage and our daughter was/is beautiful. I plan to continue being open and non-judgmental. I don't mind if I'm the last person on earth that he tells or even if he never does. I just want him to be happy. I suppose I feel that if he's not gay then I'll wonder if I did the wrong thing in leaving. Even if he's straight, though, he just wasn't really in to sex and I expressed on numerous occasions and with different approaches that sex made me feel closer in a relationship and was important to me (like once a week would've been awesome, but towards the end of our marriage months would go by.) So, straight or gay the result wasn't working for me and I have to let that be enough for me. Because my issues aren't alleviated by his gayness or straightness so I need to forgive myself for leaving. Thanks again for your honest thoughtful response. It hurts to be either person in this situation and I hate that I had to hurt him to move on myself. It's nice to have a safe place to talk to people.
Welcome to EC happymom I guess most males associate with being gay feelings of shame or negative stigma. Most females that I have spoken to don't have that perception and think it is important just to be happy with whoever you might love. I joined EC as I was reading stories of people coming out later in life but because that I knew someone I thought who was hiding their true sexuality. I guess you were hoping that you might get ideas or techniques to get someone to open up but also to realize you aren't alone. Sounds like you would like some closure with your feelings. A gay friend of mine said that some people can never admit to themselves or anyone else that they are gay, sometimes there are things you have to accept can't be understood.
