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Ex advice?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Kyrielles, Jun 27, 2020.

  1. Kyrielles

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    I'm just gonna post under my username, because why not? No one knows me here anyway. So guys it legit took me 2+ years to build up the courage to break up with my ex gf. It's only been around a month and although I felt really lonely at first and overwhelmingly sad, but I felt so much freedom at the same time, it's kinda unexplainable. My main objective in life currently is working on myself, past issues, and really just trying to be a better person for myself. After a few weeks the sadness kinda grew to not be as bad, and although still alone, I feel content with it now.

    To the point. My ex is currently asleep in my bed and idk what's gonna happen tomorrow. We hadn't spoke since she left and last night she called and said she was coming over, she missed me, blah. She basically cried from the time she came in until she fell asleep, and I just feel blank, like I'm jumbled, if that even makes sense. She tried to have sex with me too, ironically one of many reasons we separated, but I told her it wasn't a good idea right now and instead I played with her hair until she fell asleep. Now I'm dreading tomorrow, I can't sleep, and I'm kinda just sitting here wondering what I'm gonna say or do. I have a habit of being attracted to toxic people and I'm a total pushover, so I'm gonna just keep telling myself this and try to make the right decisions.

    Anyone experience anything like this before? I haven't. Any advice?
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    I’m assuming that she was upset about your break up, yes?

    To be honest, I don’t think you should have allowed her to come over to your house. You’ve separated and she now needs to find support elsewhere. But, it’s done. If she requests to meet you again, I would suggest that you meet in a neutral place. That way she can’t end up sleeping in your bed, for example. She might be struggling to move on and this probably isn’t helping her in the long term.

    Are you happy to remain friends? If so, maybe suggest that you don’t speak for a few months to get some space and then see if a friendship might work. It’s hard, but you need to be consistent, clear and honest about where you stand and what your boundaries are. I’ve not been in your exact position, but I broke up with my ex in July last year and he’s still requesting I consider getting back together, sending me photos of what he’s up to, etc. I just keep reminding him that it’s not appropriate for him to message me like that and what he’s up to has got nothing to do with me. We have a daughter, so we have to maintain contact, but it’s just finding the right balance.

    So, work out what your boundaries are and stick to them. And don’t beat yourself up, I usually take the route of least confrontation too, so have made mistakes and in retrospect realise I’ve let my ex push too far. But, just because you’ve allowed it once, doesn’t mean you have to allow it again.
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Jun 27, 2020
    Last edited: Jun 27, 2020
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  3. Kyrielles

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    Yes, and like I really would love to be friends with her, wish I would've just been friends with her from the start. I feel like we're probably super compatible as friends, but thats it. But the thing is I'm not sure it wouldn't be toxic being friends with her.. Tonight for example she cries, and I mean I'm the type of person that although I've done no wrong it makes me feel bad as a person. She says things like I don't want to be alive if we cant be together, and like what do I do with that? I acknowledge thats not healthy at all, but at the same time its like I can't be mean. I feel like it's just a bad situation and I really really dread today. I'm probably gonna attempt sleep soon, I'm more than likely just gonna crash in a seperate bed.

    I've never experienced anything like this before in a relationship. And honestly I never once thought she would act this way.
     
  4. LostInDaydreams

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    What she’s saying regarding not wanting to be alive is an attempt to control and guilt you into getting back together with her. If she genuinely does feel that way, then it is not fair of her to put that on you, and as you know, you’re not responsible for her happiness. If you feel that you need to do something, you could offer to help her find a therapist or some other form of support, like speaking to her GP. Otherwise, I would just recommend that she gets some help and repeat as often as needed.

    Yes, I think sleeping in a separate bed would be a very good idea.
     
  5. Lin1

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    I second sleeping in different beds, move rooms for the night, wake up before her ideally, make yourself breakfast and don't be any more affective than you need to be. Don't let her even imagine that last night means you are back together and don't let her stay past breakfast.

    In the morning just say you have plans for the day so need to leave by X hour.

    I have an ex with whom stuff were toxic and we are very good friends now (even sleep at each other's house and share a bed if need be) but it was work and didn't happen in a day. So while it's possible, it's likely not the way to go about it.
     
  6. Kyrielles

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    Update: I am such a pushover.. So she's asleep in my bed again and has been since Friday night, but we are not together nor have we "been together" since she's been here. Guys I feel like a complete emotional wreck, I'm having so many feelings that idek what I'm feeling..

    She's told me about how she doesn't really want to stay at any of the places available to her where she can stay, which realistically aren't bad places. She told me that her mother has gotten really sick in the past couple weeks, I even mentioned to her why aren't you with her. She told me about how over the span of our relationship she lost all her friends, I did too, so all is fair. And she keeps going on about how she doesn't want to be with anyone else, no one has ever treated her the way I have, she's never been so comfortable with anyone, etc. She has literally tried to have sex with me 4 times, except today, today she didn't so maybe that's a start.She just seems really sad and I don't have the courage to tell her to leave basically. And I legit have never experienced anything like this in my entirety. I have went through so many thoughts and emotions in the past 72 hours.

    P.S. I'm still not sleeping in my bed, it's been 3 nights, so maybe tomorrow she'll crash in a different room taking the hint. Idk what else to do guys except distance myself yet also provide emotional support.
     
  7. Kyrielles

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    We had an entire conversation about this Saturday night, I mentioned how she needs to see a therapist and so do I. I was like we can look into it together, so there's that. And ironically I feel like she was actually listening to me for once.
    So we live in the country basically and there's absolutely no where to go or anything to do. And she knows my schedule & I'm currently not working. Most importantly though I didn't have this thought, I could've just drove around I suppose. I have been sleeping in the guest room separately, once on the couch. And ive been kind of doing my own daily things, but her and I have been having intense conversations the past couple nights, but idk, I don't really feel like I want to be with her like that anymore. I'm more than fine being friends.
     
  8. LostInDaydreams

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    Sorry...I meant to reply to this before.

    You don’t need an excuse to ask her to leave, it’s your home. Give her set time and if she’s not gone, take action to have her removed.

    Her behaviour is unhealthy, selfish and probably manipulative and abusive. You deserve better, so stand up for yourself.
     
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  9. justinf

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    I second what LostInDaydreams just posted.

    The whole situation sounds incredibly unhealthy. It’s all about her needs and desires.
    She doesn’t want to stay at any of the places available to her, she wants to be with no one else but you, she is sad and needs help. But what about what you want?

    You’ve gotten to the point where you’re trying to come up with excuses for her to leave and are even looking for ways to escape your own house. That shouldn’t have to be necessary. A simple “I want you to leave” should be enough. Her staying regardless shows she has zero respect for your needs, so why are you so considerate of hers?

    There are so many red flags here. And that is without having mentioned her trying to have sex with you 4 times. Not taking no for an answer is more than just disrespectful - it’s unacceptable.

    She clearly needs help, but not the kind she’s demanding from you. I know it may be difficult, but you need to tell her to leave.
     
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  10. Kyrielles

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    So I know I probably messed up by letting her continue to stay and also agreeing to try to work on our problems/relationship. We've been having deep conversations and I stupidly have agreed to work on it instead of letting it go. In the moment it felt right and when I'm around her it feels right, but like I feel on the inside its not going to work.

    I agree too with alot of what you guys have said, she is definitely manipulative, this is probably unhealthy, and she is sort of inconsiderate of me and my emotions/feelings which I have made aware to her. I've actually pointed out all this behaviors to her and explained how they effect me. This week hasn't been so bad so far, I've trying to keep some distance. She's currently with her mother who is sick, so I have some free space today.

    I'm feeling just a lot of mixed emotions at the moment and I kind of feel like such a coward on some level. Part of me deep down really wishes it were possible to have the perfect relationship with her, but my brain keeps telling me it's not logical. I just keep telling myself to continue fixing myself so I can be better, braver, and make better decisions. And at the same time I'm going to try to help her. Like I love her so much I feel so bad seeing her cry and knowing that she does need help, I feel like I cant let go when she's basically begging. Idk its a crazy situation rn.
     
  11. Kyrielles

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    Just wanna say too that I appreciate your guys' responses, opinions, and advice. I know I've ultimately made the wrong decision, but I think it can have a good outcome on some level.
     
  12. LostInDaydreams

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    You don’t need to be her girlfriend to help her. You can be her friend.

    You broke up with her for a reason. Didn’t you post about feeling suffocated, not having any space, not being able to write or listen to music you liked? This is an extension of that behaviour.

    If you had a friend in the same position, what would you advise them?
     
  13. Kyrielles

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    You're definitely right and I'd probably tell my friend to run! Haha. But although I did agree to work on things I told her I think we should do it as friends and maybe it could lead back to that. And yeah all of her behaviors and the way she has made me feel are unhealthy and in some instances abusive. I clearly told her all of this and how it's made me feel. I wonder too if she was this way in other relationships or if its just because I allowed her to continuously treat me this way? Idk I feel stuck, my heart and my brain tell me opposite things and there's just a clash of emotions inside of me. She was also the first relationship I had which was sexual, so I kinda wonder if maybe that is why she thought she could control me. Idk, I may ask her that tonight.
     
  14. LostInDaydreams

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    Hopefully things will become clearer for you with time.

    Be wary and take care of yourself.
     
  15. silverhalo

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    Hey I know I'm a bit late to the party but even though you told her you'd work on it, that doesn't mean you have to let her stay indefinitely. I know its difficult to stand up to people when it makes you feel bad but sometimes you have to.
    You could give her plenty of notice, tell her she can stay for 2 or 3 more days but then in order for you both to keep working on things you feel you also need some space.