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Escapism

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Xyalous, Jun 14, 2020.

  1. Xyalous

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    As a 19y/o I'm finally willing to consider that I am a trans man and I think the main thing that held me back is the social transition.
    I want facial hair, a flat chest, a deep voice, all of it! But the idea of not being accepted, not being seen as a "real" man no matter what and all in all not knowing myself if I was simply just confused and embarrassing myself really got to me, so I sucked it all up and pushed it to the back of my mind.
    I even wonder now, "if you've made it this far as a girl surely you're fine with the way you are," but that thought feels untrue when I realize that I may have been majorly distancing myself from people because of how I perceive myself and how I'm being perceived.
    Actually, how I think I was partially able to deny how I felt for so long and feel happier without having to go through the rough patches irl first was through what I feel might have been escapism, and I wonder if that's a common way to cope?
    Playing as male characters in role play or video games and creating and drawing characters to project onto were, and still are, a big comfort in life. I never created characters that were explicitly *me* as then I'd feel the need before this to make them female. They were just a guy I chose to create in this fantasy world.
    Now I know that playing or projecting on the opposite gender doesn't immediately mean your trans, but looking back on it, I genuinely think I felt more connected. If the game happened to be multiplayer, I, the player, was content in being refered to as he/him the same way my character was.
    As an artist, I'm constantly be making up worlds and characters and I obsess over it a bit because I can do whatever the hell I want in it. I have a character I see so much of myself in that he may as well just be me but MUCH more masculine. Then coming back to the real world is... honestly tiring.
    I hope this makes sense?
     
  2. ChescaC

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    This makes total sense.
    T-Gal here, and I did experience those things growing up, just playing female characters or finding myself associating with the female characters in movies/tv shows.*
    Whenever I played the Sims, I’d always create female sims. I’d take my time on them, making sure they were perfect. The male characters not so much.
    Sometimes this “projecting” would bleed over into the real world when I would “Girl Mode” things(present as female, and not for a show). I didn’t know it at the time, but when I GMed it(or presented as my drag persona for a show) I would feel “complete”. That being, I would feel like the weight on my shoulders would be lifted.
    This was such that the night I had my “this is me” moment(followed shortly by a moment of “what the [frack] am I going to do?”), I had GMed it. Granted, I had partially GMed it during the day at work for about a month before, but I was careful not to wear anything too padded.

    *Like while watching “Lost Girl”, I’d sometimes see myself in Bo’s place, other times Kenzi’s. I’d rarely see myself in the place Dyson or Hale.(with some steamy exceptions).
     
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  3. sleepyboy

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    Hey I was the same growing up, ever since barbies, I'd play as GI Joe etc and same as Chesca on sims and all of my video games it was a form of escapism. Even dressing up online and making fake profiles back in 2008 before it was a thing "cat fishing" right. If you need any resources for transgender we're here. everyones experience is different, its very exhausting being transgender but very beautiful. take care x
     
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  4. Xyalous

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    I think you've said it better thank I did AHAHA I honestly don't know how I denied that momentary feeling of being complete. I always played it of to others as "oh I just like to play men bc they're attractive" but now that I can tell the actual reason I hope that I and every other trans person can get that same feel irl :]
     
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  5. Xyalous

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    Ohhh I almost forgot about fake profiles, definitely was something I'd do when I was younger until I felt awkward about doing it pfft. Also ty! I'm still adapting but the community already feels so welcoming. Take care as well!
     
  6. solarcat

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    I've always been kind of afraid to play as a female character in games. Even games like Tomb Raider, where you don't get a choice. That my older brother (a cis-guy, as far as I know) played the Tomb Raider games didn't convince me otherwise. And I had the problem with female-led shows; I thought I was a boy, so it's not for me.

    It's not until I started questioning my gender that I started choosing female characters, and drawing myself in a more androgynous way. I agree It's a good escape, especially in games like Fantasy Life, Animal Crossing, or Pokemon. where the avatar is of the player personally, and not just another character being controlled by the player.
     
  7. Dandygoth

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    Instead of repeating what's already been said, I'll just say it's extremely relatable :wink:

    I really used to struggle with that idea of "nobody will take me seriously if I transition because I won't be a regular/real guy," but then I started paying more attention to actual men in my surroundings, and I noticed that quite a lot of them resembled me as I already am in some ways. Don't do it in a creepy way, but if you go to a public place, take notice of the guys around you. Look for guys who are as tall as you, who talk like you and dress like you, who carry themselves as you do (or as you would like to), and maybe you'll feel less like a foreigner to the world of men.

    Another thing that helped me was going to in-person support groups for trans men and transmasculine people. I don't know if that's possible with the current pandemic, but that's something you should consider looking into. I almost felt like we make up our own gender space, our own version of masculinity. We don't have to play on the same field as cis men because we're not cis men. We're unique and valid just as we are.

    The people who would deem us "not man enough" are going to deem cis men "not man enough" for similar reasons, and that's their sexism talking, not reality.
     
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